I was wondering if any of the men here might be able to help me understand why my partner has left me?

He has told me that the main reason is my ill health.I have had a chronic health problem for ten years and it has become worse in the last two.
He said he feels as if he is living like an old person(48)and wants to have a more fulfilling life.....with a new woman.
He swears that he is not involved with anybody right now but is leaving in the hope of one day finding somebody else who will be more compatible with him.

He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore.
He said we fight and clash too much(he is a very angry man with major anger probs).
He said he hasn't been happy with me for a long time.He built a new house less than 2years ago and the stress resulted in a breakdown and anti depressants.
He also said he doesn't want to feel badly about hurting me any more because he was being so agressive and at times verbally abusive.
I would get so upset and so depressed about the way he was treating me.

He would not consider counseliing and said he will never go back to the way things were(at least we agree on that).
At first he admitted to having some doubts about leaving but said he would not weaken and give in.

At first he had a lot of guilt and sadness but now feels happier and a sense of relief not having to consider another person's needs etc.

I can't help but thinking that a short while ago there was a slight hope of him changing his mind.I don't belive that is possible now.
He does not speak to me.

Love BrandyB

Hi Brandy,

I'm a chick, I hope that's ok!

I'm sorry for all you are going through.


He's given you several very specific reasons, as you listed. Why dont you believe him? Do you really think there might be an affair? Will he consider MC? Do you two have childen?

Try posting a new thread on the Emotional needs board, since you arent Divorced, yet (and it gets much more traffic). You'll get much more advise on how to proceed.

Please take care of yourself - Dru

Thanks Dru,I believe that he believes what he is telling me are the reasons but I don't think they are.I think they are excuses.
I don't think there is OW.I think he can only see the negative and isn't thinking rationally.

I think that he has been in a bad place in his life and decided I must be the main reason(so not true),I think his story is full of half truths and exagerations.

I think he cannot admit that he is basically very self centred and that is why he is leaving the woman who stuck by him through thick and thin for 2o years.
He feels that I am no longer of much use to him and he thinks I am easily replaced.
I think he is playing with a fantasy and not reality.

I think he is looking at other people's relationships from the outside only and he is bitten by the grass is greener
bug.

We are not legally married so when he said our relationship is over and now he doesn't contact me.It's the same as divorce.
We have a business partnership that will have to be sorted out soon.I've seen a lawyer for some advice.
We do not have children together.I have two from from my first marriage.

After doing a bit of reading,as Homer Mcdonald and Michele Davis,I had to agree that often times people are so full of negativity when leaving.They look for any reason possible to justify want they want to do.
Homer said they are acting on feelings that might not be facts,that they often are having feelings of low self esteem and think that somebody else will fill the void for them,give them the approval they felt they weren't getting.

My ex says that my ill health is too much for him but he has refused to look at it in another light.
The fact that I am more than just a body,I'm a person with a mind and a heart and even though i can't do all the things other couples can do it doesn't mean we can't find enjoyment with each other.
We all know people who have illnesses and disabilities but their spouses don't always leave.It might be difficult but isn't that why we seek out a life partner,to be there in the good and bad times,just as I have done for him.


Brandy

Excuses, excuses excuses. Your SO is giving you nothing more than a handful of incredibly trite rationalizations. This is the one I hear so often that makes my blood boil, because it is pure bullcr*p:

"He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore."

This is textbook romance novel garbage. The logic of this statement is so flawed it's comical.

And he sais....

"He swears that he is not involved with anybody right now but is leaving in the hope of one day finding somebody else who will be more compatible with him."

This may be true, but don't take it to the bank. Men rarely dump one woman until they've found another. Frankly, I'd be very surprised if he doesn't have a honey out there somewhere, at least to the extent of an EA. Why do I think this? Many of the excuses he is giving you are basically female thinking. So is he being coached?

"He said he hasn't been happy with me for a long time.He built a new house less than 2years ago and the stress resulted in a breakdown and anti depressants."

Again, rubbish! If the stress of building a house is going to cause a breakdown, just wait until he gets into that divorce he stupidly thinks is going to be so easy.

"He also said he doesn't want to feel badly about hurting me any more because he was being so agressive and at times verbally abusive."

OK, great! fantastic! So go get some therapy to figure out why your doing this and STOP DOING IT! See his absurd rationalization BrandyB? He's going to stop hurting you by subjecting you to the ultimate hurt.

"... he will never go back to the way things were"

Another eye-roller. This is also a very often used raionalization, more often used by women. "I can't go back, I can only go forward." Ohhhhh-kay -- here's a life-altering thought for you: go forward by making your relationship with your mate healty again. If you can't do that, you can only fail in any new relationship you get into.

"At first he had a lot of guilt and sadness but now feels happier and a sense of relief not having to consider another person's needs etc."

Why of course! Rather than being a man and shouldering his guilt and shame, he off-loaded it onto you. What a coward! So, if he doesn't want to consider the needs of another person, why doesn't he just declare himself a confirmed bachelor and not seek "a more fulfilling life.....with a new woman."

You say in your second post that the two of you are not legally married. Well, you seem to have been together for some time, living as husband and wife, so you may very well be legally married under common law. If not, at least you can take comfort in the fact that, except for sorting our the business relationship, there won't be the legal hassles.

Thank you so much,you have no idea how much you have helped me.
I gather you are a male?

Just what I was thinking....... all excuses.
In fact you and I have worked it out pretty much the same.

Could you please help me to understand ......."I love you but I'm not in love with you"
Only a few weeks before he announced this to me he wanted me to move in with him,into the lovely new house?was he in love with me then?

We had been together for 20 years,I guess in what is called a defacto.
There will be legal hassles as we are in a partnership in a business together.
He will not be reasonable about the financial negotiations because it's not his style,he is selfish to the max and known by everyone to be money hungry.

I checked out my rights with a lawyer the other day,under defacto law.
I would be entitled to half of all he owns(which is more than me)and he would be entitled to my half.
The lawyer is certain I would obtain more due to my poor health and the fact that I cannot work at a regular job and having to sell the business would force me into early retirement.
On the other hand my ex is fit and healthy....not sane though.

I really want to know exactly what's going on because if he has been lieing(no doubt to protect his income)and is emotionally involved with someone than I will show no mercy and take him to the cleaners........****** hath no fury.

Homer Mcdonald says that when somebody wants a divorce they usually have one or more people spurring them on.
Often times it can be friend or family
If they have had a bad experience themselves.They don't like to see them be happy,in other words jealousy(not that they might be aware of it).
The other big enemy is often a counselor because they don't know how to help people resolve their problems but they are good at supporting people to move on.

I'm certain that both his sister and a counselor have assisted his moving on idea.I can tell by the words that he has said to me,they are not his original words......I know him too well.

I really appreciate your honesty and would like to run by a few more doubts and questions I have if that is okay with you?

I am almost 100% certain that he not having an affair,I did some checking.
He is still depressed as I somebody told me that he is now taking zoloft after seeing a psychiatrist.
He is also still smoking pot,despite the fact this was also one of the reasons he told me he couldn't have contact with me because he was trying to give up and get clean again.

I'm relieved that he isn't seeing anybody else just yet but why on earth is he leaving as you said it's irrational.
It makes me feel like I'm so not worth it?

Love BrandyB

Yes, brandyB, I am male.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"


What does this mean? Actually, it doesn't mean anything. It's just a weak justification people have heard others use, so they use it themselves. They think that it somehow lets them off the hook for their hurting behavior. But it has a dual purpose in that it leaves them an open door. It tells you that they still love you, so you think there may be a chance. It keeps you from tossing in the towel and moving on. Then, later, if the affair (or whatever is their true motication) doesn't work out, they can miraculously be "back IN love with you". This makes me want to be ill.....

People who have been married for more than a relatively few months, are not "in love" with one another, at least not in the contect in which we commonly use this term. "In love" connotates what some experts are now calling new relationship energy (NRE); that is, the first stage of love when everything is new and exciting and you're learning so much about one another. By the time the "I do's" are exchanged, a couple should be in the latter stages or finished with NRE. So for a spouse, after some years of marriage, to make this statement is ludicrous. That first, romantic, exciting NRE cannot sustain a marriage. This is why people shouldn't rush into marriage. Often, after the NRE fades, there isn't enough compatibility and deeper regard to keep a healthy marriage going. This is why a lot of marriages fail in the first year.

You say in another other thread that you called a female friend of his -- fishing, as it were. If this woman gave you any insight into what's going on with him in regard to his relationship with you, it means that he's been discussing this with her, and that means he most assuredly is having at least an emotional affair with her. Opposite-sex friendships are not wrong, but they are rather dangerous and must be handled very carefuly by married people. This is really a topic for a seperate thread, so I won't go into details here. For now it is enough to say that married people often get themselves into frouble with opposite-sex friendships by failing to maintain adequate boundries, allow too much intimacy to develop and, all too often, inadvertently betray their marriage.

I too, called my H's female friend, soon after H filed for D. She was SO NICE to me, supported me while I cried, but did say that I need to accept that my M was over. Well, guess what?? They had been seeing each other for months without my knowledge. She of course denied any romantic relationship, but since I was unaware that they had even been spending time together, I instantly knew better. To this day my XH still denies that he had an affair.

cm

thanks cm,I'm sorry for what happened to you,the best friend affair sounds like a coommon but terribly hurful one.

It appears the majority of people here have had partners that were unfaithful.

I don't know how to say it any other way but my ex did not have an affair and is not presently seeing anybody.

He did call a female friend who lives 3 hours plane trip away to share with her about his seperation,this was after he told me he was leaving me.
She has a partner(father of her child)who she said she loves and is very happy with.In fact when I called her they were out having dinner together.

He only called her once since leaving me,I have his phone account(in fact I checked back for four months).
I agree that he was looking for emotional support but as he had left me,it couldn't really be considered being unfaithful.

I knew that the "I love you but I'm not in love with you"were not his words,he has never spoken of being "in love" since we first met 20 yrs ago and neither have I.
I guess I could say I'm not actually "in love" whatever that means?
I think he is being coached by either his sister(who has done very porrly in the love department)or his male counselor for all I know might be going through a bitter divorce!
As I said Homer Mcdonald said anybody wanting a divorce is being encouraged by somebody.He said if possible get rid of the enemy,wish I could.

Love BrandyB