I've been posting and reading on this site for nearly a year. I am five years into an on again/off again recovery and I consider my marriage to be pretty solid considering what we've been through.

But, it's been FIVE YEARS. There is still hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness about what happened. Our marriage is not the same "happy, loving" union it was BEFORE the infidelity. I have never felt "safe" with my H the way I did before. Yes, we have excellent days, yes we're very close to one another - we have to be because we are not trustworthy enough (in eachother's eyes) to leave out any details about our personal and private lives.

Is this the way a relationship should be?

I read posts from other members, with similar or longer recovery times and the story is the same. Still dealing with the intimacy/emotional/sexual issues caused by the affair.

I'm frustrated because I'm still pondering divorce.

I love my husband. He's been pretty good to me since the end of Plan B. I know he loves me. But I don't feel secure, despite all of his efforts to help me feel safe - and I know he doesn't either (he still checks my cell phone every night and stops by my office unexpectedly to make sure I am where I said I was). I check up on him, too. It's like we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How can we continue on like this?

Why do YOU stay?

And is there anyone out there who feels about their relationship the way they did before the infidelity? (Happy, secure, safe, trusting, independent.....etc)

Wow. Living in that kind of environment must be draining. I'll be frank you don't share much detail, but it's interesting that he feels he has to check up on you, when by implication, he was the person that coulne't be trusted.

I don't see how healing takes place in that. Yes, there is accountability, but I think there's also paranoia.

I don't know, just throwing stuff out, hoping something sticks.

I guess I opted out of showing my signature line.

We've had a rocky relationship.

I was hoping to get more responses. Maybe no one knows why they continue on?

When is love not enough?

Will it ever feel safe and secure?

Part of the issue is that you're posting in a forum that gets fewer visitors. Try the GQ forum.