My wife is about to enter the withdrawal phase and I’m not sure if I’m strong enough for her. Sure, I’m 233 lbs, broad shoulders, big chest, and I can lift a truck… but am I strong enough for her? I still feel great pain of my own and I’m not sure how I’ll deal with her pain also. I still want to curl up into the fetal position and feel her hold me while I cry.

I’ve endured many tests in my life but I didn’t ask for this one. You can’t study up on it and say “ask away”. You can’t get enough sleep so that you’ll have the strength in the morning to do your job. And you certainly can’t say that you’re part of a team anymore because you feel that was taken from you. It’s hard to stay positive and act like there is nothing wrong in front of her. The “Fake it to make it” phrase sucks. I’m not a good actor and you won’t see me getting any Oscars.

There are times that I ask myself, “Is this worth it?” Is all the pain I’m going through worth it? Everyone keeps saying that it’ll get better, but you’ll never forget. It makes you want to start over with someone else that hasn’t ripped your soul apart. Just to look into someone’s eyes and not wonder if they are thinking of the OM would be a relief.

Then I remember one very important thing… how much I truly love this woman. I remember the day we met and what she was wearing nearly 11 years ago. I remember how I felt when she would leave me and I couldn’t wait to see her again. I remember the first time I told myself that I loved her because I could still smell her hair on my pillow two days later. I remember the look in her eyes when I gave her my grandmother’s engagement ring on Christmas in 1996. I remember how much she cried with joy and said yes. I remember how beautiful she looked walking down the aisle. I remember how she cried during her vows and I held her hands for assurance. I remember so many things.

Is it all worth it? I’m not sure, but she’s worth it.

Withdrawel might not be as bad for her as she thinks it will be. Many here have months, others like me, who where it was more addiction based than loved based, after 3-5 days of complete NC started feeling better...and then it was just here and there over the next month or so that any bad moments came.

You don't have to be strong, just remind her that you love her, and you guys will get through it. Don't give her a reason to miss it!

Stick with it - it is worth it. Being on both sides, the WS and the BS side...it's so worth it.

Remember too that it will go up and down. My H started off strong like you, but months into it he caved...he just couldn't do it. Sadly he ended up in an affair, and left and tried to start a life with someone else to try and forget the pain I caused him. He wanted to replace and forget me, but he realized he can't replace me. Who he is has alot to do with me, and he would have to replace that part of HIMSELF in order to replace me.

Since he has come home, things are better than they have been in years, we have our ups and downs, and both have our trigger moments, but they are less and less, and we focus on the NOW and the love we are re-commited too.

It's worth it - it is. But it may be years before you can reap those rewards....

H4F,

Than answer, if you meant it when you said, "for better, for worse...", is YES.

What a terrible, horrible thing this is to go through.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this mess.

If anyone had told me, on my wedding day, that I'd be sitting here, posting to other BSs, that I'd go through this past year from he**, I would never belive it.

You WILL get through this. It WILL get better, andbe good again.

If your W had cancer, you would not abandon her. Be there for her now. Be the man. You can do it.

Blessings,

Healing, you make a very good point in comparing this to cancer. I am a BS and the suggestion that infidelity is a disease and our spouses need our support. I don't say that in a patronizing way. My W is in love with a loser of epic proportions. I have made the analogy that she is sinking in quick sand. I can try with all my might to pull her out BUT I can't let myself get pulled in.

Hopeful, I am in a similar pickel and growing wearing of waiting for W to go through withdrawal and re-commit. But like Healing says we did make that vow on our wedding day that we would be there come ****** or high water. So I guess you have to continue to suck it up.

Healing ~ I can't tell you if she's worth it.

What is more important is are you worth it?

I suffered through the pain of my husbands affair, and I suffered through the ****** of recovery.

I didn't do it for him. I did it because of the woman I wanted to be. I wanted to wake up every morning, and stare back at a woman that I liked.

Carry yourself with grace and integrity. Be who you want to be. The rest will come.

Without pain, there is no joy. You can avoid this pain, but in the avoiding, you will miss out on great joy.

when my family and friends ask me if he's worth all of this i tell them:

i love him. i may never find love again and if i don't i want to be able to look back with no regrets about what i did to try to win back the love of my life.

when they ask if how i will ever trust him again? i tell them:

if we have the chance to try again...it will be a new relationship-we both made mistakes and i hope we can learn from them. we would create a new marraige and it would be built upon trying to meet each others needs so that this would never need to happen again

when they say...why would you risk it happening again? i tell them

i love him. it's a chance i'm willing to take because i'll also have the chance at happily ever after with him

when they say...it will never be the same, i tell them

i hope not! i want it to be better!

when they say forget him and move on...i tell them the truth...some days i wish i could


but like you...love won't let me

H4F

Like you I am a big strong man. This battle against infidelity was using weapons I had no facility with. Patience, love, faith, selflessness.

I learned to wield them all and now am stronger than ever !
You ask if the pain is worth it.

Pain is a GIVEN after an affair H4F. You can only chooe how to respond to it.

You can withdraw, divorce, lick yur wounds and move or OR you can giv eit yoru best shot using these unfamiliar weapons and tools. Both paths hurt. Hard.

All i will say is after a year of effort from me, my baby is upstairs snug asleep in my bed, loving me. In a while I'll tke her a coffee and she'll giv eme a sleepy hug and kiss and try to get me back into bed for a 'morning glory' !

Then the kids will join us on our bed and we will laugh and play and love till till we get hungry for breakfast.

A year ago she was stealing our kids college money to start a new life with an old wastrel she was screwing in a cheap motel. Vicious, spiteful, entitled.

Was it worth it? What do YOU think ? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />