I am a recovering WH and the comments I make are from that perspective, so for what it’s worth here goes.

I was in an identical situation to your husband. The affair became physical within a month of us acknowledging the feelings we felt so my guess would be it’s physical. Sorry, but just trying to give you the best possible position to fight from – the truth.

Now here’s another issue. This OW certainly has the potential to make your husband happy, but that’s true of thousands of women in the world so don’t even worry about that. A marriage always exists in a world where either partner could be “happy” with someone else buts that’s no excuse for dumping the other person and moving on. That’s what empty-head Hollywood couples do but that’s another story.

Your husband does love you despite what he says or does right now but he also loves this new woman because she is meeting needs that you didn’t. But again don’t worry about that. One of the needs she meets which you couldn’t possibly meet is novelty and the thrill of the chase. Woman can only ever meet that need in men for the first year at most, before it just naturally dwindles so don’t feel any pressure to compete on that level. You can’t and within a year she won’t be able to either.

So why is she so attractive to your husband? Because she’s new and different and there’s no rules, and he doesn’t have to be responsible and its like a James Bond movie, all intrigue and sexual tension and undercover. And sadly it’s probably sex, new and exciting, like it was with you when you first got together. Which it was, no matter what he says now.

So leave all that comparison stuff to one side because you can’t win on that level. Marriage isn’t about performing like a trained seal to keep fickle idiot husbands happy and at home. It’s about a long term, stable, partnership that creates long term, stable families and society. And it’s also about long term support, care and love, which strangely enough is what you both need each other for right now. Your husband is sick, he is quite probably addicted, and he is about to throw away his wife, family, career, self respect, values, long term happiness and satisfaction to be James Bond for a few months.

The distress he feels is his own realization of that. He wants to keep both of you. This is never about choosing one or the other - it’s about keeping both of you. He will do whatever he can to keep both of you. That is the absolute guiding principle of his life right now –keep both! So once you know that you can respond appropriately.

Tell him that you know he would like to keep both of you but you have too much integrity to allow that to happen. You have honored you commitment to him and you expect the same from him, otherwise there is no marriage to save. Tell him you absolutely will not allow him to hurt you and insult you any more and he must choose who he will be with but your terms are absolutely no contact, at all, ever with the OW ever again. That’s not negotiable in any way. Those are your terms. Everything else is negotiable. You will work on the marriage, lose weight, gain weight, play soccer, stop playing soccer, talk more, talk less, whatever is necessary to fix any problems you both may have but she has to go once and for all. Tell him you realize that this is a difficult decision for him and you respect his right to choose. Tell him he can take some time to decide and while you wait for his decision you will be at your mother’s or sister’s or whatever. But make it clear that there are immediate negative consequences for his behaviour and they start right now. You’re not leaving him but you are not prepared to live in the same house while he hurts insults and disrespects you so brutally and you must take steps to protect yourself and the children (if any) from his foolish, destructive behaviour. Tough but fair.

Now he will flip out at this. He will get angry or sad or panicky or run away or do all sorts of crazy things. He will beg you to stay or throw something at you or anything in between. But that’s fine. Here what he heard you say-“You have to grow up now and stop being James Bond. Its time to be a big boy and stop living just to please yourself and cruelly abusing your wife and your OW. (Who, by the way, is also a big loser in this game he’s playing. She is sadly getting her reward for doing this too).

This will shock him and frighten him because he thought he was playing a role in cool movie with two women chasing him and he’s man enough to keep them happy. Now you’ve shattered his dream and called him on it. He may run immediately to the other woman but that’s OK too. Life with her, even on a temporary basis, will be horrible. They will pretend for a while that it’s great but it not and within a short while he will realize what he’s lost and what he’s gained. He will come back to you and try and negotiate on the no contact rule. He will want to keep both of you remember because that’s what he really wants. So you just refuse to allow that o happen. If she’s not completely gone then he can’t come back. End of discussion.

This may take a few goes but it will eventually work. He will either leave her and come back wholeheartedly (with his tail between his legs) or he will leave you and allow you to move on. Sounds very tough but its cleaner and clearer and leaves you with self respect and dignity rather than the alternative. The alternative is a long drawn out charade of lies and broken promises and false starts and stringing you along that it’s over when it really isn’t.

He has to leave his job - that’s a given. He will think you are crazy for asking him to do that but he’s wrong and can’t be trusted so ignore that. In fact his willingness to resign from his job shows you he’s serious and cares about what you think. In fact that’s what you need from him. Absolute openness to your inquiries about time, money, email and phone records, everything. He will even offer that to you while trying to keep the affair going on the side so you have to outsmart him and strip his life bare. The more willing he is for that to happen the more you can begin to trust him.

But shock treatment is required I’m sorry to say. He’s a sick puppy right now and your love for him will be demonstrated now in how strong you can be in demanding he act with integrity, instead of sneaking around like a criminal.

But what about you? This course of action is very difficult and you feel worse that you ever imagined right now. You need a support network of friends and family and people who will share this work with you and stand by you. Don’t go it alone. Think of this as a your mission for a while that requires strength and resolve and commitment. The prize is winning him back without any reservation. And in the process your marriage gets better because it gets realer.

Keep us posted.