Bob,

I can't really talk specific about your situation, but if ours is similar, I would say that SH would tell you to hold off on the ultimatum and the deadline. She hasn't agreed to a plan yet, and if you try to force her to do and say what you want, she will just withdraw from you more.

You're still in love with the potential, by forcing her into a plan or into discussing the details, you're not showing her the potential of your marriage and of staying together. Like me, you need to show her that there is hope for a good marriage again. Right now, our spouses feel hopeless, so they don't have any reason to work on our marriages. We will have to deal with the affairs, but first we need to stop the bleeding. That means to stop pushing our spouses towards what we want and need. If we get on the same page, our spouses will most likely come around to dealing with the affair and what it meant and didn't mean, what happened and what didn't happen.

For now, I'm holding off on filing the papers. My wife has "kind of" agreed to call SH. We'll see what happens after that.

GTO

No matter what, I support you on your decision. Every situation is different. I also want my wife to tell me the details of the affair, but the truth is, I already know, I just want to hear it from her.

grove, I have a few questions. Firstly, you have been telling your wife that you want to save the M and have been doing nice things for her. However, she withdraws and puts forth no effort. It seems that you are doing all that you can. What else did he recommend that you do on a daily basis?

As to her refusal to admit the A or even talk about it, what does he recommend that you do. You have given her plenty of time to do something. Also, she will have contact with the OM within the next couple of weeks. What do you do about that? I am very curious as to his PLAN to save your M.

Hey Bob,

To be honest, I haven't been doing much of anything lately, other than trying to get her to do what I think she should be doing. Don't get me wrong, I still think that what I've asked of my wife is and was reasonable, but I guess it kind of backfired. In her state of mind, she just saw it as trying to control her or treating her like a kid.

For now, SH feels I should hold off on talking about the affair and concentrate on getting our relationship back on track. We will need to deal with the affair, but it's not the immediate problem right now.

Mr. Harley believes that the affair most likely is either "over" or in definite decline. My wife does need to find a new job, but to ask her to do so right now will only alienate her more.

I understand what he is saying, it's a hard pill to swallow, but right now I'm willing to give it a shot and see where things go. We will have to deal with the affair eventually, but what's a little more time going to hurt.

I was on board with everything he said until I got home and the squid kind of said a few things to make me depressed.

She said something about telling her mom that nothing's really changed, except that we have agreed to disagree and that we were getting a divorce. Ok, I guess we have, but she hasn't done anything! She hasn't talked to a lawyer, she hasn't put the house up for sale, she hasn't worked on the marriage. She's just waiting for me to get fed up and file the paperwork.

Still, I've been good through it all. I just bit my lip and said, oh I didn't realize that we agreed to disagree. I thought you just decided that you didn't want to do what I asked you to do and that you promised you would do after finding out you were having an affair. That's fine, I'm appreciate you telling me how you felt and what you told your mom.

Back to the SH conversation. Steve basically said that the goal should be to get my wife and myself to agree to a plan to rebuild our marriage. If she doesn't agree, than we won't be able to make it work.

grove, I think that I see where he is coming from but I do not know if his approach is right for me or my situation. In my situation, my WW gives the impression that she wants to stay married and that she would work on the M. My problem is that I do not know if staying married to her or working on the M is right for me.

Since my WW has shared nothing with me about the A or any admissions, I have no info to go on. If my WW is a serial adulterer who just needs me as a sugar daddy and some stability then I do not want to work on the M. If the OM dumped my WW and she is waiting on him to come to his senses, then I do not want to work on the M. If the WW has decided that I am her consolation prize in life, then I do not want to work on the M.

This is my problem with working on the M and then addressing the A at a later date. I feel as though I may be wasting time and setting myself up for another big fall at a later date? Don't you feel like this? I am going to think some more about SH's position but I do not know if it is right for me. It just seems to put the cart before the horse. Let me know what happens in your situation.

I understand what you are saying. While our situation isn't exactly the same, my wife isn't sure she wants to stay marriaged.

I have concerns this wasn't her first affair, and of course I have concerns that I'm just the consolation prize, actually there is some evidence that this might be true.

From what I can tell, my wife wasn't happy in the marriage before the affair, the affair showed her she could be happy, and after the initial shock of getting caught wore off, she's not sure she wants to stay married. She's scared that getting a divorce would be a huge mistake, but she's also scared that staying marriaged will be a huge mistake also. So, for now she's just doing nothing.

Bob, you've got to do what's right for you. Every situation is different (as SH told me). If you can't stay in the marriage without knowing the truth about the affair, then that's what you have to have to make your marriage work.

From what I can tell, WS will not come clean as long as they don't feel there is any reason to. Why embarrass and shame themselves (and give you power), if you are just going to leave once you find out the truth. My wife is/was sure that I would/will leave if I'm told there was a PA or that she said she loved him. So in her mind why should she tell me?

I think, and of course I'm far from an expert, that your wife might tell you everything, or most of it, once she is sure that the marriage is back on solid ground and that she can trust you to be there for her. On the other hand, I've read that there are some WS that would rather divorce than ever admit to the extent of the affair.

You know your wife, so if she is the later, you'll have to decide whether you can live with this.

Whatever you decide, I'll be around if you need to chat.