Things had been going a little bit better for the
past week.
I have been working really hard on my "Plan A"-
have tried to show that I can give him a bit of
"space" while still meeting his ENs, avoiding LB's,
and making our home and life together a very nice
place to be.
The weekend was very pleasant- we ran errands, went
out to eat, shopped, and rented movies. Got along,
joked, and it was so nice !!
H still hasn't been willing to talk about things that
are going on with him (very strange behavior), "us",
or willing to make a committment to working on things,
going to therapy, etc. but at least it seemed like he
was starting to turn his attention back to "us" and
the Plan A might have been helping.

UNTIL, last night, that is. H came home, even brought
me a treat, and ate dinner. When getting ready for bed,
he got mad at the dog for getting on the bed and in the
"tussle" that followed, the blanket and sheet got torn.
I was mad (both are new) and we had words. From there,
it escalated into a full blown fight with insults,
"jabs", and hurtful things said by us both- LOTS of
LB's. !!
H went downstairs by himself for awhile, and I went
down later to try to talk and apologize for losing my
temper, but he wouldn't talk, and slept downstairs
in the guest room. I cried myself to sleep, feeling
just terrible, and afraid I've now really blown it.
After doing so well with Plan A, I just don't know
why I couldn't keep my mouth shut and have left the
room or something !!!
This morning I calmly told him that I was very sorry
for the way the evening had ended, after having a
good start. Told him I was very tired, hadn't felt
good yesterday and was sick of the heat, but knew
those weren't good excuses for saying things that
I didn't mean, hurting his feelings, and losing
my temper. Told him I thought things had been going
better and we'd been having fun with each other,
and hoped we could continue with that.

H isn't much for talking, but the few things he said
were very negative - "not interested in working on
things", "we're through", "leave him alone".
He didn't apologize either (never has been good at
that)even though he said some very ugly things to
me too.
I came to work feeling sick, disappointed, and just
so upset with myself. What if this kills any chance
to save "us" !!!????
I'm also really scared that he will move out next week
(closing on a house he is buying for "rehab" purposes)
and may file separation or divorce paperwork now,
since he's mad. (has the paperwork but hasn't done
anything with it so far).

Any ideas, similiar experiences, or thoughts ?
Should I just go back to Plan A, and not mention
anything further about the fight ?
(I don't suppose it does any further good to keep
apologizing).
Feel like I have blown it so bad.


Me- 41
H- 38
2000- H diagnosed with depression, obsessive-compulsive
disorder. Since then is on a variety of medications.
2001- H had internet "fling", EA, and inapproprate
friendship with OW.
2002-2004 Recovery, or so I thought
2005- Problems starting again. Can't determine if H
is having A, but strange behavior, lack of interest
at home, and also alcohol/possible sexual addiction
issues.

I am not an expert but her goes: There is allot of hidden anger in you and in your husband which is why the fight started, the dog was just the match. Believe me I know as I have been there. This is why I feel councelling is required even if things do not work out in the end. You get through allot of that anger in a controlled environment. One way or another you need to talk to him and maintain control. If you feel like yelling leave the room before you start. Also back off some and give him some space to think this through. In most cases the person leaving has already left many months or years before so keep this in mind.
No one has a magic pill to fix a relationship but there is allot of good advice out there so do some reading, it does help.

Thanks Carbuff- I know you are right about a lot of
anger and resentment building up. Went to my IC on
Friday and she said the same thing.
Obviously it's not healthy to have to hold everything
in, which I think we BS do when working in Plan A,
and if not vented in other ways, it comes out...
eventually ! My IC suggested working on methods
of stress relief, such as journaling, exercise,
meditation, etc.
As I did aplogize to my H, I decided there was
nothing more I could do, except prevent the same
thing from happening again in the future.
Too bad he didn't feel the need to apologize to me !

Since then things have been very "up and down".
As this has been the "norm" lately, I don't know
if the fight and LB's had any effect, either way.

After spending all of last weekend together and
each evening last week, H totally "reversed" his
attitude on Saturday and didn't want to do
anything with me. He went into the office for
several hours, which he hasn't done on a weekend
for quite awhile. We talked several times, so
I believe he was really there, but I suspect
he was on the computer, browsing the "friend
finder.com" and other crappy websites he has
looked at before. Came home briefly, then
went to the gym. Came back for a short time,
then went out again, until after midnight.
Didn't seem like any of his times gone were
long enough to be getting together with anyone
but could have been time on the computer/phone.
When I asked to do things together, he was
very defensive and very negative- just said
"there is no we" and "he needs his own space"
so definitely still in FOG of some sorts.

Yesterday, for no apparent reason, he was totally
the opposite. Got up, ready to do things and
included me. We actually had a pleasant day- going
out to lunch, viewing our local "Parade of Homes",
and going for groceries. At home in the evening
he was full of energy - mowed, trimmed, and
cleaned the yard. Ate dinner and watched a movie
together before bed. I did a good job at not
talking about "us", not asking questions, and
just "going with the flow", so no LB's.

He is so changeable that never know how the day
will be, but thought every good day and day without
LB's has to be a positive. I just know I can't
count on things staying that way, or read too
much into his behavior either way. Sure is tiring
though !

H is supposed to be getting an appointment for IC
and some new medication, but so far he has not
made the efforts - I am hoping and praying he will
do this soon.
Anne

Just to update-
I haven't been able to find any firm evidence
of exactly what H has been doing, or if he
was carrying on with one specific OW, but
felt certain he had something inappropriate
going on with someone since so much of his
"babble" has been exactly like others in MB
describe for a person who is in the FOG.

After H spent time at his office on the weekend
and has been later than usual some evenings,
I feel certain he is spending time browsing
personal ads, looking at things like
"friendfinder.com", and may be emailing,
chatting, text messaging and/or talking on
the phone with some of these OW.

H asked for a certain dinner on Monday night,
then called an hour after he was due with a
really lame excuse for why he was late. Got
home 30 min later, repeating the same excuse
even though I didn't believe him and he knew
it. Last night, we met for dinner and had
a pleasant evening, until he disappeared
for about 50 minutes on the way home.
When he showed up and I asked where he had
been and what he was doing, his reply was
"none of your business". I didn't want to
do LB's, but did calmly say, that it was
too bad our pleasant evening was ruined by
his needing to call and chat with some phony
stranger off the internet, and it was sad
his addiction had such a grip on him.
Naturally, he didn't like this and threw back
a mean comment, but I didn't respond to it.

Later, however, he got into bed and I woke up
with him cuddled around me and he was friendly
and pleasant this morning. Do others have WS
that go back and forth so much, from seeming
like they are "there", then back in the "fog" ?

Part of the problem with my H is that he is
on AD's and has been previously diagnosed with
depression and some other mental/emotional
problems. He is supposed to be getting back
into therapy and needs a change of medicine too.
Don't know how much effect his mental state and
the medication has, or if all his weird behavior
is the FOG babble and A.

Would appreciate any feedback others can give on
similar problems, dealing with spouse who has
addictions, internet A, etc.
Anne

WH- 38
BS (me)- 41
2000- H diagnosed with depression and obsessive-compulsive
disorder, has been on variety of meds since then, and has
been in therapy with two IC.
2001-H had inappropriate internet "flirtation", then EA
with older woman
2002-2004- Seemed to have recovered
2005- Problems start again

I don't know if i can offer any advice but i understand what you are going through. I'm in a similar situation myself. My wife revealed an affair to me a month ago. We are currently separated. We almost divorced immediately after the affair until i found this website and asked her to read it. After that, we decided to work on our marriage. For the first week things seemed great. The next week just OK and this monday she sent me an email saying that she was still having contact with the OM, couldn't quit thinking about him, etc... Her moods change from hour to hour and its almost impossible to predict what her next reaction will be. I've tried to be patient, let her know that i'm here for her and believe in our marriage. She said that she needed time to sort out her feelings, but i think she was trying to separate herself from me completely to be with him. Every time i tried to talk to her about us, or anything in general, she refused to communicate and was even angry towards me for trying. I sent her a long email a couple of days ago and i'm not sure, but it seems to have had some effect, although at this point i'm not sure what. She replied to it by saying that she told the OM that it wasn't fair to ask time away from me and not ask the same from him. She said she lovd me and cared for me. She said that she was going to spend time with her girlfriends and family. I told her that i may come into town to visit some friends. Then she says that i could come to Church with her next Sunday if i was in town. My response was that i would love to, but only if it wouldn't push her further away. She said we could go as friends. At this point i have no idea what's in her head or mine. Part of me thinks i should go with her, that maybe it would help. The other wants to tell her that i'd love nothing better than to be with her every time she goes but only as her husband, not her friend. When we first started to reconcile the first time, i went overboard with love and affection that she wasn't ready for. She hadn't made it through withdrawal, and all i did was smother her to death and push her further away.

Thanks Atinola,
Feels like you sometimes just can't win with the
WS. In my case, I feel like my H doesn't have any
real cause for complaint- I believe I've done a
good job of meeting his EN's, have not done an
excessive amount of LB, have tried very hard,
been supportive, loving, and the best spouse
I can be, and still he looks for things to
find fault with. Wonder if this is sometimes
their guilt, and they are just looking for
something to justify their behavior.
I give up on trying to figure out the mindset
of the FOGGED.
Anne