I posted my story before but wanted to put it here for some different incite on the changing situation. Sorry this post is so long but I could really use some insight. If you have anything to add 2 x 4 or otherwise please do. It would be SOOOOOOOO appreaciated. Anyways here goes:


"I am new to the forum and would like to say that I appreciate all the support everyone gives. It is obvious why I am here but my situation seems a little different. We got married about a month ago and had lived together a year before that and have been going out for 4 years. We are also 25 so we are kind of young. I found out a week or so ago and I am devasted, all the classic symptoms, sleep loss, not eating, etc...

I have listened to the advice here and I have tried some things so far. I was wondering if the fact that we are so young means that we should not try to make it work?

And what does it mean if she slips from withdrawal to conflict and back numerous times in a day?

I feel she really loves me but may be scared that she doesn't deserve me or happiness because of her selfishness.

Could this be true?
I need advice. Help please"

Update:

Today I have ended plan A. She has moved out the locks are changed and she is off the lease. I have told her about the no contact with me until she is through with him. I told her that any support she got would have to come from him. She was pretty broken up and it seemed as if the fog of the A may have been lifted slightly. I was very caring but at the same time stern and clear. I hope she doesn't do anything to herself but I am not going to contact her to tell her that. I have instead enlisted family and friends to do that but she isn't returning their calls.

I am starting to do things to better myself and I think the hard part is over. I feel as if plan B is much easier if you actually have gone through plan A and gave it a fair shot.

I Am wondering if there is anything I need to remember during this period or any guidance that someone may have for me now that I have just begun plan B?

Thanks for all the support. You all make this much less painful than it could be.


Update:
After plan Bing for 2 weeks I believe she is slowly coming around. She of course continues with the WS crazy talk but I am able to see through it. BAsically I told her NC. But I had a nightmare and she happened to call that morning so I picked it up. I told her I was seeing a lawyer on Wed (next day) and she asked to speak to me after that. I agreed but told her I would not call her. So we met that evening and talked for like 5 hours. She cried and said she missed me and she didn't know what she had until it was gone. I did tell her I cared for her. And i gave her a chance to come back but said that I would continue the no contact if she didn't.
(By the way i did give her a letter which I can post later.)

She cried and then went into WS babble again. "I can't make a decision"
I responded well that is your decision, to continue on the same path. She cried more and eventually really broke down and walked off.

She emailed me this morning and this is what it said.

hi baby,
i wanted to call you, but i know you wouldn't pick it up, so i thought that maybe at least you read my email...
baby, i've read your letter bunch of times last night and this morning and i feel the same way - i really do! i want us to work, but i know how hard it's going to be and right now i'm not that strong. even if in my heart i know how i feel about you and what i want to do, for some reason, i can't make that decision b/c i feel like i won't be strong enough to deal with it. i need some help. i think i need to see somebody and talk to figure out why i'm doing what i'm doing, etc.
PLEASE, i'm begging you - don't take last night as my decision!!!! don't make me over yet. i know it's not fair to ask that b/c you've been in pain for long enough and you deserve to be happy and move on. i really don't want that though (you moving on, not the happiness part) - like i said last night i really belive that we are meant to be together. you are the BEST thing that ever happened to me and i ****** that up. baby, i don't know what's wrong with me and i'm really sorry. i love you to death and i don't want to see you hurt. at the same time i'm so depressed and scared right now - i don't know what to do. i know it's never going to be the same and that really scares me b/c i want us to be happy again (the way we were).
i don't know what you're going to do, but please give us a little bit more time!!!!! i promise i'll try to get strong for you baby and deal with everything...
i miss you so much! i need you! please think about that.
i'm gonna go now b/c i'm crying again and i promised myself that i won't do this at work anymore. i really hope that you will talk to me again.
baby, i love you so much.

Where do I stand now. I could really use some advice. I only sent her a reply that had the name of 2 doctors. That was it no response to the other stuff.

Am I doing the right thing? ANy tips for people who have been here?

Please Help!!!

Help please. Someone? Anyone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

sorry justme...but you aren't doing plan B if you are having this type of contact..
AND
you yourself are undermining the effects of plan B...

WS say things they don't mean all the time...
like a junkie they agree to whatever at the moment...and then they move on.....

there words hold little meaning in connection with their actions....

this is why it is undeniabley important for you the BS to use words only that you mean to back with actions...

other wise you mirror back the exact same actions that a WS makes....and then somehow expect them to be accountable..

you can not ask a ws to be accountable to their words with actions if you aren't willing to do it first...

when you write a letter that says
I will have no contact with you until you end the affair..

then do that..
otherwise it is not plan B...
it is more of the same drama filled powerstruggle...

the beauty of plan B is cutting the WS out of your life...
and take ALL focus off of them and off of you...
the triangle becomes severed...and is never rejoined again...

where you stand right now is where you placed yourself...right back in the muck of it...

where you should be is plan Bing....away from chaos...

a lot of people fall off the plan B wagon dust yourself off..

change your email address...
go dark

and no contact...

otherwise you are feeding the junkie..

ARK

Sounds like you're doing pretty darn good. In her letter to you she's seeking approval for her justifications. I presume your letter to her outlined what you needed in order to restore a marriage? Well then stick to your boundaries. Stay dark, stay in Plan 'B'. When she peeks out of the fog long enought to fully comply with your requests, then have some hope. Right now, let her squirm......

Here is my plan B letter. The only reason I had this meeting was to give her this letter and speak about the lawyer I spoke with:
[color:"blue"]
Dear (blank),

I am sorry for what I have done in helping make it possible for you to see another man. I too, am sorry for neglecting our relationship as I did and that I wasn't there when you needed me to be there for you the most.

I am willing and properly prepared to avoid our past mistakes and create a new marriage for us that will make us both happy, but I can't do that until you can stop seeing this other man and commit fully to our marriage. Until that time I will avoid seeing or talking with you.

This decision is not made in spite and it was very hard to finally come to this point. You have to know how much I am suffering knowing that you are seeing this other man. Also how much pain I have endured because of this affair, be it mental, physical, or emotional. I can't be around you knowing you are seeing another person. I still love you, but that love is dwindling. I can't be lied to anymore.

As soon as you are ready to permanently end your affair, and willing to do the things necessary to make sure there is no contact, as well as participating in things we need to work on as a team to ensure the successful rebuilding of our marriage, like marriage counseling; I will be willing to discuss our future together. There will still be a place in my heart for you should you make this decision.

I want us to rebuild our marriage someday. I know how important this marriage was to me when we went into it and I can only hope that you had the same hopes and aspirations for it. We can still be happy together. It would be great to see us never do anything to hurt each other again. I want to be your best friend and a loving husband, always there for you - one who will never hurt you again. I think you would like this too. I want YOU to be happy.

Your readiness would mean:
An end and no contact with the other man.
Counseling for you individually and us as a couple.
An agreement on how to proceed with a marriage that will satisfy both of us.
Trust.
A sit down with my family to say whatever it is we feel is necessary.

I loved you when I married you and I love you now. I just cannot be with you or help you while you are seeing someone else. If you cannot end contact with this other man and decide with a whole heart and no doubt that being together is not what you want in life, then I will move on with my life, making this my final goodbye as both your husband and your friend. If this is the case, I want to thank you for the wonderful friendship you've given me over these 4 years. I will never forget the love and the memories we shared during the last few.

Until then, I need to separate and keep safe the love that I hold in my heart for you.
[/color]

By the way thanks to foxr. I "borrowed" his format to help me write this.
I hope that doesn't upset him. I hope it wasn't copyrighted.

I did scratch out the love part. As in love, (blank)

I am just wondering if the little in her letter that is not babble should be looked at as a sign or something. I am moving on and I do not have any contact but my email can't be changed as it is a company thing.

But there is not other reason to contact and I had been "dark" for 2 weeks that included many little things that could have given me a excuse to make some type of contact but I fought it.

When we met she wanted a hug as she left but I told her no even though I wanted to. I know I can do this but any encouragement would be ever so appreciated. Thanks Lost and ark.

I hope more will give me some advice. In my opinion it is just a matter of time before she comes back and then I will have to decide what I want to do.

Anyone else agree or see another outcome?

Take it from someone who was/is in a similar situation...met/lived together at 17, married at 23....

Stay completely dark in your Plan B...

I rationalized, had compassion for my WW, and totally screwed up my Plan B...now I am in the D process. This is not to say that it wouldn't have happend this way - good Plan B or not - I just think I would have had a better shot at saving my marriage.

SO...If you have already gone to Plan B...stay there - not one response, not one meeting, not one email, until NC is established and committed to by your WW. It will be insanely difficult to do, but you will be better off for it, even if you end up like me.

As to another outcome...all I can say is be prepared for anything. WS' act completely unexpected most of the time. Just be emotionally and mentally prepared for all possible outcomes...


TM

I am. I did but I did revert to plan A for the this little meeting/exchange as I felt it was necessary because of the D filing that I may embark on. Otherwise I had been doing it. She actually broke down and called me at 7 in the morning after 2 weeks of plan B. That just gave me more strength to continue with it because I know it is wearing her down and hopefully their A.


Did you all try counselling or did she never come out of the fog if you don't mind me asking, Travel?

just on the way to bed & my baby woke again so I read your Post...rocking rocking
OK plan b letter is supposed to be a love letter and really I think you did ok with it.

DO NOT RESPOND to any of the other stuff you are getting from her except in the area of addressing your boundaries ... you wanted her to go to IC & she says she now wants it...then ONLY reply through a intermediary with a suggestion of counsellor a or b may be of help and say no more IF you want to. NO DIRECT CONTACT.

Of course your WW has not done NC yet & is trying to engage you, dont fall for it. The tricky one is the NC, if she says I want to do NC you really do have to ans, but dont be surprised if its only a ploy first time. It happens sometimes. But if shes serious then you can work on M.

Go ahead with gathering your info from lawyers etc so you know where you stand if worse comes to worse.

Dont expect miracles it takes time, hard as that is. Now stay dark.

My WW was a WAW (Walk Away Wife) - she moved out the day she asked me for a D, one week before admitting to the A. Although I tried many times to get her into MC, she has refused flatly.

I made so many mistakes 'cause I believed that somehow my sitch was "different" - that somehow my WW was, too. Put simply, I was wrong. I still believe in the concepts espoused here, and still feel my M would have had a better chance had I stuck to the Plan's outlined here at MB.

Have you read SAA, HNHN, or any of the other books?

Definately find an intermediary.

Come here when you need to talk/vent. I could not believe the amount of support, care, and compassion I rec'd here from people whom I had never even met. I shudder to think what I might have done had I been completely solo in this experience.


TM

What sucks and I can kind of see this is that she lives with him now. She has no other friends to go to and she would have to be doing all the things in the letter to live with me again. She is trapped and I think she sees that now. It is sad but all I can say is that I did say if you come home tonight we can begin to work on it or you can chose to go and not talk to me. She said her choice was I don't know. I told her that I don't know is saying you want to continue on the same path because that is the crap she gave me when this started.

So I said you make your choice. She chose to go. She asked for a hug and I said no which I thought was really hard. I basically had to not move to do it, any motion I made would have given my inner weakness away immediately.

I wish I could just look at the letter and say "see she wants to come back, yeaaaah" but all I see is WS babble with a few W quips reaching out screaming HELP.

It's times like these I would like to do something unmentionable to OM because he is now manipulating an emotionally unstable woman.

Question if I went to a court and told them of his adulterous behaviour would that affect his visitation rights with his kids? That may be something that can stop him from his selfish lies and manipulation.

Any thoughts.

Yeah I am shocked that so many share such valuable information without a charge in todays world.

I have not yet read those books. But I want to check them out. Unfortunately while plan Bing I have been really busy with working out, writing and going out with friends. I think I can squeeze some constructive reading in there.

A big issue is that her friends (she has 3 that are even an option to talk to about this) all live far away and she has been avoiding them. She talk to one of them and tried to act like nothing was happening but I had already exposed (plan A is so cool). Her friend said cut the crap I know what happened and she went into how, when, why, blah, blah, blah. Anyways she hasn't talked to her since and won't talk to anyone else.

I really wish I could see the future. Too bad I am a mere mortal.

(PS: I try to thank you guys in every post because I really do appreciate the advice. I wonder if I should share some of the stuff I have written here. It would be good to know if it is good or mediocre or just time to chose another career path. Let me know.)

OH AND THANKS ALL.
Keep it coming

I cannot give you any help in regard to the visitation question. Best thing is to consult an attorney in your state.

One thing to try to work on mentally is the placing of all the blame on the OM. I had a huge problem with this. I wanted to see my WW as a confused victim of a bad situation. I couldn't imagine her intentionally doing these things to the person she used to love so dearly...so it must be the OM manipulating her. While some of that may or may not have occurred, the blame for the A lies squarely at the WS' feet.

Please try to let go of your hate for the OM. It is hard...God knows I had some very detailed fantasies about exactly what I would do to him if I ran into him ever. Fantasies are OK, but don't obsess...try to focus on YOU, and you will come out the winner in this, M intact or not.

Do you have an intermediary? Have you read any books?

Also, listen to the MB vets...two have already responded to you...I am far from a vet, so I feel somewhat hesitant to give too much advice. There are many here far wiser than I.


TM

Her coworkers but they are kinda on the side of not causing a problem for themselves so that doesn't help much. And then there are her friends which are perfect except she won't talk to them so not really I guess is the answer.

I am going to pick up some books, I hope this weekend, but definitely in the next week or so. I hear what you say about the OM but it is just that (I know, I know) but it is just that he has had this same thing done to him in his first marriage. He met me before. He knows her situation and he continues to feed her crap that confuses things.

he is such a needy son of a B^%&*. He got married after nine months of knowing his wife. Had 2 kids, she left then he got engaged after 3 months of knowing this other girl, he cheated she left, now he has known my W for 8 months and is in love again. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Why is it so clear to everyone except them that THIS WILL NOT WORK. The sooner they end it the better they will both be. Anyways sorry but I just had to vent.

Now about his visitation rights with those kids...?

I am leaving now but please give more insight I will be on over the weekend for sure.

Kinda young?
That line is such a cop-out.
I suggest if you are 21 AND are mature enough, then you are not too young.

I don't think Plan B is a good idea at this point in your short marriage as I believe it will simply lead to divorce.

I'd say if you have only been married one month and she has already had an affair, you need to take a long, hard look at what you want/expect from this marriage and decide if it is something you will be able to get.

After plan Bing for 2 weeks
Did you give her a Plan B letter?
If you did not, you have not been in Plan B.

If you have been in Plan B and gave her the letter, then why are you talking with her, reading her emails & getting together with her?

I told her I was seeing a lawyer
Are you filing for divorce?

I don't know yet. I may but I dont have the money for one and I don't know how this will all play out.

I did give her a plan B letter. I don't know. i am so sad. I wish I could sleep until this is over.

Well here is an update for all those that have helped and those that want to add in. I continued on with NC with WS and for me it was going good. I had a blind date and went to a club with some friends. After the weekend was over she tried to call. I ignored. She emailed. I ignored. She called some more until she called my job and tracked me down. Once I spoke to her she told me she was miserable and was ready to do everything in the letter even though it would be hard. I told her that she had to move out of his place to do that and to not call me again until she has. She said she would do that asap. I told her that we needed to talk with my parents and take it from there. No promises but at least a start. I say speak to my parents because she disrespected them in this process and they can also help me figure out if she is being sincere. Because frankly I would take her back with just her saying she was sorry. It sounds weak but I need a buffer.

Anyways does anyone think that I should handle the situation differently?basically I have told her to not see him. Start IC, sit down and talk with family. Is there something I should be doing as well in this situation?

More advice please. I thank you for what you have given and I hope that this can be the beginning to recovery. Someone let me know if they see a different possibility here.

I had a blind date

W T F ???

Aren't you married? Why aren't you acting like it?
Didn't you tell her you still want to be married in your Plan B letter?
How does dating fit in with marriage and where does dating fit in with Plan B?

You need to read the links below and "Suriving An Affair".

hey JM

blind dates are not a good idea unless you are determined to end your M and want out like yesterday..and even then those who have done that come back here & say it leaves you feeling bruised. Most in hindsight advise to END your m first.

Look dont think I wasn't tempted or felt I'd like to do it & throw it in my wifes face...the anger is natural but what you do with it is important.

Now back to the latest...... SOUNDS good BUT you got it right by saying ok when you HAVE actually moved out ring me sorta thing.
Now there are some practical things here...where doe she go, has she alternative accommodation, does she want back in to the M home, and would you have her right now????

It usually is best for her to be back in the M home IF she does all those initial things like NC letter with you.
Due to the very short length of your M I suggest you very very seriously consider getting some advice from the HArleys here over the phone - about $185 per 40 min - which while not cheap is very much cheaper than a Dv. Could be worth a call now before you even begin ANY work so as to build up a good plan.

But as I said she needs to get out first from the OM so see how that goes as you may be her only alternative here which is why I advise to get some professional opinion NOW.

Pls consider that JM

Let me echo Aussie's advice...

DO NOT date right now if you want any chance to save your M! You will be way too prone to making bad decisions - like having sex and/or a relationship with another woman - and further complicate, if not altogether lay waste to your M. Aussie mentioned how some have come back from such an experience and return "bruised"....I am one of them. I had an ONS to get back at my WW, and it left me empty and angry at my own lack of morals and self control. It didn't help in any way.

You are at the very begining of the race here...I am sure you have heard the analogy - this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Also, please do not take her back with only a "sorry" - it will only lead to a false recovery and more damage to your M. She has to show that she will do/is doing everything on your list of requirements...please do not compromise in this area, you will regret it.



TM