My husband walked in the door last Sunday and told me that he wanted a divorce. Completely out of left field. Never seen it coming. Been married almost 6 yrs. 4 kids-2 mine, 2 ours. He says that he doesn't love me and doesn't think that he ever has. I honestly don't believe that and think that he thinks if he hurts me it will make for a quick split. I have explained to him that I love him and that I refuse to give up on our marriage. It's been five days, we are both still in the house. He seems angry at me because I have a peace about what will come. I have put it in God's hands. I am only concentrating on being a better mother and a better person. I keep trying to talk to him (without smothering) to no avail. For the past 3 nights he has -at my request without begging-slept in the same bed throughout the night. His usual place to sleep is the couch because (at least what he told me) of back problems. I feel that if he was trying to pacify me that he would get up in the middle of the night and go to the couch. But he still will not talk to me.

Shone, welcome to MB. Do you suspect your husband is having an affair?

I asked him if there was anyone else. He said no. I then asked him if he would tell me if there was. He said yes, he would tell me. I have thought about this. I really trust that he has not had an affair. He comes from a very religious family. I know that he knows that is wrong. I also know that he knows that infidelity by my ex-husband is what ruined my first marriage. And he knows what I went through. My husband is a gentle man. So I can't explain his anger and hardness towards me. I think he is dealing with some inner things right now because I believe he has a calling to live for God. He can't give me a why as to the way he feels right now. I think he is being hurtful to push me away.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Talking to your pastor?

At this time he says he isn't interested in saving it. I don't believe that either. I have been talking to my pastor.
I know my husbands gentleness. The way he is acting right now goes against everything he is. He says that it's over but he hasn't left. He has been sleeping in the same bed when he usually doesn't. He has let his guard down-although breifly-on more than one occasion since he proclaimed this. All I am doing is believing in God and that his will be done. I am showing my husband-Also told him-that I will not give up on our marriage and family and I just keep telling him that I love him.

I have to go for today. Please keep us in your prayers and I will return tomarrow.
Thank You and God Bless

Unfortunately, when you get that "gut" feeling, it's usually right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> My H also promised he'd tell me if he was involved with someone else. He lied. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

shonelwalker, please read all parts of this website. There's lots of red flags here and you'll see the similarities the more you read. Have you checked phone bills, receipts, email accounts? Any unexplained absences?

The vast majority of cheating spouses say this exact same thing.


A strong reason for him to NOT admit to infidelity. The shame of betraying his values is overwhelming. I can't count the number of religious folks on this site -- some pastors, deacons, others very involved in their churches. And everyone knows infidelity is wrong. It doesn't always stop some from proceeding, though.


Infidelity in their first marriage by their spouses ended both first marriages for the OW in our case and her husband. When it came down to it, it didn't stop her from cheating on her husband, something she swore she would never ever do to another person. But it is a great reason for not telling your spouse you are cheating, despite the fact that you know how much they were hurt by infidelity in the past.


I can. You are in the way of his "fun" and he has to blame you so he can keep his secret.


I agree.


But this isn't it, sweetie.


He can't tell you because he knows it is wrong. He knows he will be ashamed and have to face his family, other believers, et al. He knows you will be hurt, but dang, he deserves the happiness he has found, too, right? He feels trapped and cheated and can't bring himself to see that his actions are the cause of all of his anger against you. It is hurtful, and very unfair, but it is another calling card by an unfaithful spouse.

Sleeping on the couch for his back? My husband did the same thing. Actually he was just trying to be "faithful" to OW. The day d-day arrived, he began sleeping in our bed again and he hasn't slept a night on the couch since (three years now).

I really don't want to be harsh and I am not making fun of your feelings by taking your post apart point by point. But I really think you need to do some investigating (okay, snooping) and find out what your husband is really doing with his time.

I hope I am wrong, but I really don't think I am and I think others will agree. The good thing is that you have this site to come to if you find this is the case. And there is much hope for any marriage hit by infidelity as long as one doesn't plant their head in the sand in denial.

~ Snow

shonelwalker,

There certainly is the smell of an A about this. No way to tell for sure from this knothole.

What other stresses are in his life or your marriage? Sick child or relative? Work issues? Recent move?

But, his anger is a definite marker for an affair. He has done something wrong and is blaming you for it.

If what you say is true, that this all occurred very suddenly then I suspect an Emotional Affair (EA) that went physical (PA) recently or an unplanned One Night Stand (ONS).

In any case, you need to read everything you can about Marriage Building and Plans A and B. They saved my life.

I hope you can find the help you are looking for. There are members with much more experience than I posting to you. And more will show up. Listen carefully to them. Ask lots of questions.

I also recommend calling the MB counseling center – even if you do not yet suspect an affair. (And no, I get no kickbacks.)

Let me explain something. There is no sign of an affair. I do everything. Cell phone bill comes to me. We have mutual friends at his job. At the most that I could believe would be an emotional affair. We had just got back from 4 great days together alone, no kids, private ranch. Do you see why I don't get this? I suspect his anger towards me comes from the fact that he had it all planned in his mind that to just split and it would be done. I think he thought that I would just give. My husband despises stress. Just to keep you up to date on the situation at home-still won't talk to me about us but will say a few words here or there and last night was 4 nights in a row that he has slept in the bed with me. That hasn't happen in over a year. I more think that the problem is that we stopped talking. Maybe when we went off together it made him realize that we don't know each other anymore. ????

Everything you have posted is a sign of an A.

Too, you must suspect it on some level....you posted your situation on an infidelity forum.

That's where I was told to switch it to. I originally didn't have it on this page. So no I don't suspect that at all. I have been sitting here trying to think of any sign of infidelity. I really can't think of anything.

I'll give you some signs based on what you have written.

Dramatic changes in behavior.
Unexplained anger.
Saying thigs like I don't love you and never have.

I'm not saying he is having an affair, I just trying to give you a possible reason for his behavior. What he is doing isn't rational. Rational people don't just decide one day, without warning, to just chuck a marriage (the wife, kids, the whole thing). That is not a rational way to express discontent in a marriage.

Stop the realtionship talk and watch him closely. Be kind to him. Do you know what his major emtional needs are? If not, find out. There is a questionair on this site, see if he will take it. He probably won't so you fill it out and answer the questions the way you thinkg he would. Start filling those needs.

shonel, I think you would be wise to treat this as though it MAY be infidelity. click here for WAT's guide for betrayed spouses. Get yourself into plan A, it could not hurt and may help. I agree that you should drop the relationship talks. Work on YOU.

"...last night was 4 nights in a row that he has slept in the bed with me. That hasn't happen in over a year."

OK, so this isn't a sudden unexpected crisis. Things have been sliding downhill for a year or more. Is that right?

The two of you need a good MC.

In the meantime as recommended above, A or not, find out or estimate what his ENs are and start doing your best to meet them.

With prayers,

That is what I have been concentrating on for the last 4 days. I am giving him everything I have in me, keep telling him that I love him, not smothering him. If I ask him to talk to me and he doesn't then I just let some time pass. I keep trying to think any/all clues as to an affair. Still can't find any hard proof. I control all finances (at his insistance) and have for years. No missing money, unexplained charges. Please just keep praying for us. I ask God to make my husband as miserable in his choices as possible. I am believing in God's will.

This is not a sprint. It's a marathon. Pace yourself.

And get some expert help.

Does your H drink a lot or use any drugs at all?

doesn't drink but uses marijana on a daily basis and has for years. See, it soooo feels like to me that he is missing something. He has this void. He goes to South America with his father on Mission trips occasionally. When he comes back I hear about all the wonderful things that he did for those people with everything from digging wells to teaching them God's word and how to pray. He's on cloud nine for months and then he just reverts back to his old ways and hence the void again. He will not let me see that side of him for some reason. I know he knows that I will support him in whatever path he takes. He's not afraid to talk about God to people-just never me. Even since he told me that he wanted a divorce, I told him that I had put it in God's hands. When the house that he wanted to move me and the kids to went off the market, I told him that I prayed about it and that is why it is no longer available. He was furious at me and said, "Now is not the time to go to God!". Now as I said before, He is a God fearing man. Why the Anger?

Uses marijuana...daily basis...for years.

There you go.

Drug addiction.

He has to beat his addiction before you work on your marriage.

Been there.

Another question: Since Sunday (when he told me that he wanted a divorce) His daily activities has changed. He doesn't leave the house after I get home from work. Usually he goes to see his friend down the road or Uncles. I have never "caught" him (nor did I attempt to) being anywhere other that where he says he is in the past. His friend and his wife are dear friends of us both. His uncles love me. Another thing, He doesn't even walk outside to talk on his phone. I hear everything that he talks about. We have started going to bed together at a set time and like I said in a previuos post that he has slept in the bed with me for the last 4 days. But he still will not talk to me. Does this sound like a man who is cheating?