Long long ago we set boundaries for not engaging in sexual chat because we used to sit together at the computer and talk to others. We also set boundaries about not having buddy lists so that we didn't seek out the same person and build emotional friendships over time, which is very dangerous as you know. Our personal lives are just that - personal - and what happens in our romance is not shared with anyone else.

I wanted her to put in her profile "committed relationship" but don't want to sound petty about it...I have noticed that most nights she doesn't go online at all, once or twice a week she goes online if I have put our son to bed and end up falling asleep there. That is about to stop as we have set a target date of his 4th birthday for insisting that he fall asleep by himself, in his own bed, and stay there - someone hold me accountable here, OK?

Out of the one or two days a week she goes online to chat, 9 out of ten times she is generally happy inside, and I have noticed by reading the history that if someone asks if she is single, she will say she is in a relationship. However, every so often if there is an unmet need, stress, or problem on her mind, she will say she is single. So her response depends on her emotional satisfaction in life, exactly one of the main points of marriage builders.

For example, she was online last night after I told her I wanted to go to bed early because on Friday night we are going to Atlantic City (first time in 6 months) and will problably stay up to 3 or 4 am, so I want to be well rested for a couple nights before we go so I can enjoy the evening. (She tends to need a little less sleep than me - 6 or 6 1/2 hours, but if I am working out frequently I get sleepy at work and home if I don't get 7 or 7 1/2 hours).

So when she was talking online, the chat history showed me that she IM'ed a guy with a screenname "single guy". He asked her if she was single and she said she was in a relationship. That conversation was very proper. Another guy IM'ed her and asked her if she was happily married and she said yes. He asked her if she was looking for fun and she said no. Then she said, "sorry" and he said, "for what?". She said, "everything". He left her alone after that. So even if you say you are married there are a lot of guys online who don't care and will try anyway. It is up to the chatter to be accountable to their spouse in how they conduct their behavior with honesty and in a manner they would not be ashamed to show their spouse. However, I don't really understand why a person in a relationship should have to say they are sorry and show empathy that they are not available - they are not responsible for the sexual loneliness of members of the opposite sex...HELLO?? I also don't understand why she initiates IMs instead of just talking in the chatroom -- that gives most guys the impression that a person is looking for starting a relationship, and sooner or later they will get around to making a forward move in the IM. I think that all relates to what I stated earlier about her childhood having experienced parental abandonment. So I am understanding, but wary when it comes to letting too much online chatting become a pattern. I want to be there for her 24/7, and am not real happy that I sometimes get tired before she does at night...But we were not born with the same internal clock.

So we fill each other's emotional cups daily, but have busy lives.
But since you do not spend time together (in fact you spend far too much time apart, doing your won thing), this more than cancels out filling the emotional needs.
Time for you to start working out together, at the same place, at the same time.
This could be part of your 15 hours a week together, most of which you are now stealing from each other.
You are doing at least 10 hours a week, without your wife and she’s doing 4-5 hours a week alone, without you.
Our son always has had daycare at a first class, high quality learning center next to her work and only has one more year to go until kindergarten
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He’s not even gonna know you guys. He spends 12 hours a day in other peoples care. Then he gets home just in time to eat & go to bed.

I wanted her to put in her profile "committed relationship" but don't want to sound petty about it
It’s “petty” for her to let everyone know she is your girlfriend?

I have noticed that most nights she doesn't go online at all, once or twice a week she goes online if I have put our son to bed and end up falling asleep there.
Uh, why are you falling asleep in the bed with your son? Put him to bed and let him go to sleep. Now is when he is learning to be independent. Let him. You don’t need to get in with him.

That is about to stop as we have set a target date of his 4th birthday for insisting that he fall asleep by himself, in his own bed, and stay there - someone hold me accountable here, OK?
Don’t wait. Do it now! Immediately stop getting in the bed with him. Stay in the room for just a few minutes (2-3 tops).
Yes, I do have kids & I have done this. Simply stick to it & don’t falter or give in just because they whine.

So even if you say you are married there are a lot of guys online who don't care and will try anyway.
But is not on them to stay away from your girlfriend. It is up to her to not to even be there for them to throw lines at her.

in a manner they would not be ashamed to show their spouse.
She shouldn’t be doing it at all.
Why is she spending time chatting with other guys when she could be spending this time with you?

After posting several times on this thread, I noticed there is way too much sympathy-based validation going on here that has the danger of creating an attitude against your spouse/significant other that enables developing inner feelings of resentment ("you are bad, I am right" type of feeling). This feeling is analogous to to the danger in a marriage if one person develops the habit of complaining about one's spouse behind their back to his or her mother...Since mom will always side with you on issues regarding your own feelings, it tends to reinforce the "bad spouse, bad behavior", "you deserve better" attitude. Furthermore, it tends to reinforce "keeping score", especially when you try to pick apart everything your spouse does that they could do better and talk about it behind their back..That definitely builds resentment in alot of people, and the subset of people on this site might be better served by building appreciation not resentment. I wonder just how many marriages have been damaged by these approaches on marriagebuilders. The principles in the articles are great, it's the complaining on the forums that can be hazardous to one's healthy attitude and unconditional love for one's spouse. I know everyone means well, but this is a plain and simple part of human dynamics...For that reason after this post I am not posting again.

OK, final update and reply to Chris...
Chris feels we don't spend enough time together...He has no idea what or how often we spend time together, plus assumes the "one size fits all" formula of 15 hours a week is perfect for everyone...My spouse and I spend 9 am to 11 pm Saturday and Sunday (26 hours) doing things together, shopping, cooking, recreating with our little boy, visiting her extended family, watching TV, going for walks, relaxing in front of the computer, chit chat, and romance...Except for two daily hours of kid care and two daily hours doing laundry, lawn mowing, or washing dishes, and except for a couple hours working out on the weekend, it's all interactive time and mostly quality attention and conversation...We go everywhere together, more than any other couple I know.

So without even including weekdays we spend a total quality time together on the weekend of 28 hours minus 10 hours in the non-shared activities, or 18 hours.

During the week there is something to work on...After sleep, work, commuting, bathing, dressing, and reading to kid, and washing dishes, there are about 3 hours left per day, and about 1 or 2 of those hours is spent working out...We have decided it is important to both of our physical and mental well being and longevity to work out often. I appreciate your suggestion to work out together more often to improve out quality time...now that we are both YMCA members I will lift weights while she does treadmill/elliptical, but I don't feel there is a lot of time for conversation there because we are across the room from one another...but your point is well taken...When my knee gets better I will resume running.. Right now she can't really jog more than 10 minutes and I am used to running 12 miles or more, so we will limit that to once a week together otherwise I don't get the workout I need for my level of fitness.

So our quality time is about one and a half hours per day during the workweek if we work out separately, and about two hours per day if we work out together..."together" amounting to the portion of time spent actually talking when working out in the same room.
Adding it all up it is 18 hours (weekend) + 3 days X 1.5 hour + 2 days X 2 hours = 26.5 hours.

Regarding my son spending 12 hours and "too much" time in other people's care, you are dead wrong...He spends 8 1/2 to 8:45 hours in daycare MAX, and if she works out he spends another 1 hour 4 days a week at another playroom...The rest is quality time with us...I have been on both sides of the fence...have you??? From experience I can tell you my first three children were raised by a stay-at-home mom, and they ended up with much poorer social skills, less well adjusted, less prepared for first grade, and not as happy as my 3 year old, who loves his daycare, can't wait to go to the "playroom" if we work out at the club, works out with me in the basement and plays next to me while I work out, goes for walks with me, lets me push him in the jogger when I run or when we go for walks together on the weekend, loves my reading to him 30 or 40 minutes every night, loves to sit and have us teach him games on the computer, loves to visit extended family every weekend, loves to eat dinner together, loves to go in the pool with us, loves to have us chase him on his bike, loves to have us help him practice learning to write his letters, loves to sing songs with us in the car on trips and every day on the way to daycare and home again...THINK WE DON'T KNOW OUR SON --- THINK AGAIN, I THINK YOU DON'T KNOW OUR FAMILY...It is easy to have the "daycare is bad" attitude and unless you have been on both sides of the fence, you will never understand...

Regarding the bedtime thing, yes we are dead serious...We have prepared our son for the end of the month and will keep to the promise he made...until then he is just "practicing"...I have known for years that letting a kid sleep with parents is not really healthy for developing their bedtime independence and the parents time for intimacy...My first marriage we cut the kids off at around age 6 months for sleeping with parents, but everyone is different and my second family has to have a joint agreement as well...She did not want to let him cry, and I did not want to have a double standard if it ended up with me insisting that I don't sleep with the kid, while she sleeps with him to comfort him...So we both allowed it to happen...We talked about that years ago and that is how we left it till this year...I want harmony, not conflict...Not every parent will "go by the book" without feeling like they are being controlled...So on his 4th birthday the time has finally come and he will now be in his own bed all night, not just part of the night uuntil he wakes up and comes into our room. Now he has to go back to his own bed. A lot of this is cultural, too, as asian families often sleep together with their children until they are older...So I reject the simplistic view that the solution for MY FAMILY is what is in the ONE SIZE FITS ALL book. My solution was more gradual and understanding of the parties involved, which lessens the potential for conflict.

Regarding the online thing -- I disagree it is wrong for her to chat at all online. People tend to personify the "evil online chatroom" and for what it is worth, many spouses get involved in a hobby (for example, bowling, tennis, coaching kid sports) that has them speaking with the opposite sex as friends. The chatroom is no different other than there are many people with many different interests and intentions there. It is up to the chatter to enforce their own standard and code of conduct. There is more risk because of the anonymity and privacy that improper things may be spoken between members of the opposite sex, but as long as you spend maximum quality time with your spouse ocassional online chatting with strangers is no big deal if you don't create buddy lists and develop friendships that way. There are risks, significant ones, though, which I agree with totally. But chat itself is not evil.

To minimize some of the guys overtures and forward moves, I wanted her profile to say we were in a long term relationship. So last night while she was chatting and I was sitting next to her, she got a phone call and while she was standing right next to me I just went ahead and edited her profile, then edited my profile the same way...I told her about it before we went to sleep...Initially she objected saying it was an invasion of privacy, comparing it to going through one's wallet or purse without permission...I said, "It is not privacy because that is a public profile, anyone can read it -- plus I did it right in front of you and told you about it, so there is nothing behind your back." She said, "well, the whole thing about online chatting is question and answer, and I don't want to put my whole life history in there for others to see." I said, "I am sorry I did that." "I honestly thought you wouldn't care if I did that because because I edited my own profile the same way and I feel very proud to state you are my girlfriend and am proud to say we are committed to each other." I told her, "I just thought it would help weed out some of the forward comments by guys who are trying to make a move." She said, "I am a big girl and I can handle myself." She said, "No matter what there will always be those kind of perverts." I said, "I thought you would appreciate it if I helped to reduce how often that happens because many guys read a profile before deciding how to chat to a stranger." I guess she felt controlled because she asked me "Next are you going to tell me what screen name to use and change my screen name, too?" because her screen name doesn't match her profile (one screen name suggests she is looking for a man)...I said, "I never intended to hurt your feelings or control you...I was just doing an experiment and honestly thought you would not mind." "It's no big deal and if you don't like it then it will only take you a second to just edit the profile back to the way it was before." She said, "No, I'm not going to change it back." (LOL... that would be a sin of COMISSION not a sin of OMISSION). I asked her, "Aren't you proud to tell others we are in a relationship?" "The question isn't one of privacy but instead that you should be proud about your relationship." "If someone reads your profile and asks about your relationship in chatting you can tell them you are happy to be with your boyfriend and have a happy family." I said, "How would that hurt anything in the chat conversation if you tell them in your profile that you have a boyfriend?" She said, "I am proud to be with you, happy with you, and want to be with you forever, but I don't want to reveal personal information in my profile." "They can ask me if they want to know." I said, "When you chat with strangers, why is it something you want to avoid them reading beforehand that you have a boyfriend?" When I put it that way I think it made her think...LOL

..I ended the conversation by repeating a couple times that I really didn't want to do anything that bothered her, that if I had thought she would have objected I would have never edited it...And I reminded her I didn't care if she chatted online or not, and if the profile bothers her it's no big deal to me if she changes it back...

So this approach really made her think...I think that the online chatting will further drop off now...but I will still monitor since she is still not being truthful...She said that she doesn't IM guys...I repeated her words..."you said you never IM guys?" and she answered, "well almost never, once in a blue moon if they live nearby". I didn't say anything after that, but I happen to know for fact that she IMs guys almost every time she goes online.

Anyway I am making progress, but am going to stop posting here because I noticed I am developing a resentful attitude from listening to the pundits of marital righteousness in here provide me sympathy...Good luck folks, from now on I am going to communicate and talk about problems only as a couple and not in the forum...Part of respecting my girlfriend is not complaining about her behavior behind her back, so I will not do that here again...Bye

Wow...I guess I'm simply left with the observation that if you felt you knew everything there is to know, why did you decide to post here? You've sought no advice, taken none, only been very critical of those who have attempted to provide you with insight from their own observations and perspectives.

Personally, I wish you luck, but given your attitude and approach I would be totally unamazed to learn that your wife engages in an online emotional/sexual type affair within the next year. You've done nothing to fix the problem, simply set the stage for your wife to continue to do things the way SHE wants to do them...and you've opted to ignore the warning signs as outlined by many people here.

Regardless, good luck to you. I would be VERY happy to hear that my 'prediction' for your marriage is wrong...but sadly I would have to observe that given what you've described, the odds are in my favor.

I don't "know everything there is to know". That is why I posted. However I know a lot more about my own life than the 300 or 400 words you guys/gals have read and used to make predictions.

So I think my predictions for my own life are much better based on approximately 5 years of a relationship and over 5 million words spoken between us, rather than predictions based on the 300 or 400 words I have shared in this forum.

If you folks are critical of me, that's great, I will attempt to find truth and application in what you have said. However, I certainly have the right to interpret that criticism. I am filtering it and taking to heart what can be implemented in the context of our relationship. You folks here think you have some kind of utopia of perfect marriage that everyone else is doomed to failure. This is particularly because this forum is a magnet for those troubled by marital failures, and is not a random sampling of the millions of SUCCESSFUL marriages. So every behavior is predicted based upon worst-case hypothetical consequences.

It is healthiest to avoid the chatroom with IMs alone without your spouse, and my goal is to reach that point. Looking at our progress, when I first met my spouse, we were intimate and getting serious with each other by the third date, but she was still dating other men casually for nearly 2 1/2 months, quite a few dates with several different guys. She was still online IMing with potential suitors that were previous contacts for about 4 months afterwards. She was still going into chatrooms and IMs with strangers almost daily for about 7 months. She had buddy lists of guy friends for almost 12 to 15 months. All of that is gone forever and has been for 3 1/2 years. The online chat time has diminished by a factor of 100 in the last 3 years, down to zero for some months and about 1 or 2 hours a week other months. After there was one problem online last April, she admitted she made a mistake and has since respected our POJA to not have buddy lists, sex chat, romantic chat, or phone calls with guys. I forgave her but used the problem as a warning sign to work on other things in the relationship. You folks have helped with that a little bit. Overall, during the last few years, we have done many, many things together as a family and many, many things together as a couple. We are building good memories. But in every marriage, from time to time there will always be one area or another to keep working on as an area for improvement. Thanks.

Thanks for the good luck. I mean that.