Hi-
I realize that I must have low self-esteem to put up with the mess my husband left. He's the one having the affair- he is still with her and has seperated from me this weekend. I kept thinking he is emotionally immature. Why wont he give her up- move- get away from her. how do i get out of this mode? I know what he did is not my fault- I did not go outside the marraige.
He's telling me he needs time......but all i replay is hes with her in her house and bed. My heart is so broken and hurt- i cant stand it.
I try to be strong and I cant. I dont want a divorce (i feel im so afraid to be alone) it is 24 years of marraige and feelings.
In a perfect world I want the relationship healed and he gets help, and ow gone. What do i do now? if he loved me would he be doing this and how can I do the best for me . How long do I wait.

Winter,

I know how you are feeling I am going through the exact same thing. My WH of 24 yrs moved in with the OW 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable but it does ease over the days. You will have good days and bad ones. Listen to the advice you get on this forum. there are some really wonderful people here who have been a wonderful help to me. Whisper, Ark and all others you know who you are. Again Winter I am so sorry for what is happening to you and your in my prayers. Take care of yourself that is the first order of business. And remember exposure is crucial at this time.
((((hugs))))) to you ....

I know how painful this was in my 5 year marriage, I can't even imagine what it must feel like after 24 years. But here's the thing. You say you are afraid to be alone. Maybe that is where you should focus your attention. You need to start making yourself into the best winterkisses you can be. Plan A you behind off. Learn how to be happy without WH. He will notice.

Winter,

Is it possible for him to move back home? Tell him that you want to work on the marriage and in order to do that you need to be together. That is the best situation for doing PLAN A? Have you read up on PLAN A here on the website or in SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

It sounds like he is following the standard WS script. However, it is good that your WH seems repentant.

Winter ~

Think of it this way.

Your integrity and your vows mean something important to you.

You are not "putting up with him", you are standing up for the things you promised when you married him.

Winter...I don't even know what to say. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. It brought back memories from my D-day. The pain is unbearable but it will get better with time. I know that's hard to believe right now....been there...but it will!!!
My heart goes out to you. That is such a long time to be married for this to happen. I was married for 15 years (still am....going through a divorce). I always dreamed of celebrating our 40 wedding anniv. together. Well, that won't happen. Breaks my heart! All I can say is take care of YOU. That is the most important advice I have been given her on MB. God Bless. HUGS!!!

thanks for the words of comfort. I had to speak to him yesterday- he gave the boys their allowence and he said to me - My living situation is not what you think, winter- im trying to get my own apartment by the 16th and then I can think of where my life is going.
in my mind im saying whatever....I have to think about me and the kids. He is so selfish and in this fog... I am pushing him to the back crevices of my mind and worring about me

You sound like me 8 months ago. WH's still in a fog, still in his apartment and still trying to find himself. It's getting better. I've got the habits of 28 years. We will survive.

Winter:

Did you say you are doing PLAN A according to MB?

When he says he's trying to find an apartment, did you consider asking him to move back home so that you can work on your M?

Would you be interested in doing that?

Winter... do not be surprised if it turns out to be a hoax, all this talk talk talk about getting his own place and going into seclusion.

I've never heard of a WS claiming a need for seclusion and actually seeking it. Their fortresses of solitude always turn into love shacks.

GC

He says he dosent want to move back home now...he's saying to give him time. I am not eating, sleeping well and cant keep anything down.
Is he suffering at all??????or are they having a good laugh on me....?
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

winterkissses (((((HUGS)))))

Do you believe in God? If you do, go to a christian book store and get the book "How to win your husband back before its too late" by Gary Smalley. Its a very encouraging book, as it helps you seperate your identity from your husband and get yourself back on your feet emotionally and spiritually. It gives you something to do as well.

There is another great Christian book for women too called when the one you love leaves that also talks about similar plans like Plan B, and is encouraging like the book Whattagirl recommended.

Like many people on here told me - it's aint over till it's over. Find some strength, do some reading. Fight!

Winterkisses,

I can't think of a BS who's self esteem is not flushed down the toilet after DDay. It is normal so you are not alone.

Afraid of being alone? Normal. I am a grown man and when she left I was so afraid of being alone (some call it the deafning silence). The quiet will drive you mad unless you force yourself to do things. Take in a movie, go for a walk, vent to close trusted friends. What really helped me was reading books on my situation with my wife.

The key to overcoming is forcing yourself to move forward. Once you conquer that, nobody can stop you.

God bless you.

Well I spoke to my counslor- he said check out my legal options and move on.
My pastor and his wife- said to pray and be patient- back off and give him space and he will come back in the fold.
I also found out that the OW has a new boyfriend on the scene. My h moved out to be with her. He has totalled his car, (no insurance on his now- he has been hit 4x in this car in the last 3 years), she filed bankruptcy, and this so called apt he suppose to be getting - he says he cant get yet(?)

The counsler also said my self esteem is low- that he has worked on that because all the late nights, confrontations, letting stuff pass, etc. he took advantage of that. I guess i really didnt believe in me. What is odd is I used to be very determined , and self assured and now im at a low ebb.
Do you think the contridictory advise is good or bad.
How can I stop thinking about him- I am sure he is not worried about me.