In two weeks we will have been married for two years. We both agree they haven't been the greatest two years since we met in 1999. I am now to the point of contemplating a divorce and I am not sure how to proceed. I see divorce as a last resort and would like to turn our marriage around; the problem is I am not confident my wife (barring a major turnaround) can help us both get our relationship where it needs to be.

After meeting again in 1999 (we lived in the smae neighborhood, but never really knew wach other) we started dating in March, things were great and then sometime in April she said she was unhappy and could not continue to hide it,I was scared she wanted to break up with me, but it turns out she informed me she suffered from depression. I reassured her that I would stick with her and help us get through it.From that point forward she appeared to her "guard down" and I have never seen the same person I started dating in March of '99. For me it has been a continual downward slide with more bad times than good. I am an eternal optimist , so everytime I get a glimpse of how good things could be I hold on to hope that things could get better. The problem is I have been holding out hope for so long that I am starting to lose faith.

I don't want a divorce from my wife, just a divorce from the depression that has plagued her for the last 8-10 years. Last year she finally agreed to seek professional help , but she stopped going after 4-6 visits, she stopped taking anti-depression medication just before we got married and I think she has given up hope of ever being happy.I have read some books about helping a depressed spouse, but nothing seems to work and she resents my attemps to help and it leads to a fight.

When we fight it becomes a one way conversation with her lashing out at something very small, I feel the thing she says she is upset about is not really the issue, rather it is an excuse for her to unleash the negative emotions she has stored up. After these fights she isolates herself from me and then cries fro 10-15 minutes, after that I can clam her down and talk to her. This is a vicious cycle (for both of us) that drains everthing out of me. After seven years of this there's not much love left to give her. One of her complaints is that I am not as patient as I once was, I simply tell her that I am sorry and that I will try to be more patient. This is tough because when things are good, so says how lucky she is to be married to such a patient man. I just don't have the heart to tell her that I can't go on anymore;I don't have any patience left to continue to enable her behavior.

I don't know what to do, where to start, or even how to approach her. I feel like the only thing left to do is to let her know that I am not willing or capable to continue our marriage unless she seeks help for her depression, otherwise I have no choice, but to leave her.

I care for her deeply , but it is difficult for her to reciprocate her feelings for me when she is carrying the heavy burden of this depression. Deep down I know she thinks the world of me and that I have gone through a lot to stick with her, but it is tough when you don't feel loved or appreciated on a daily basis from your spouse.

Any advice woudl be appreciated.

I can offer no advice because I am in a very similar situation. My H has dealt with depression I believe since we bet 15 years ago. We were in HS and he lived in an emotionally abusive home. I dealt with a ton of crap from him, a ton! Thankfully, I have been very emotionally strong and have acted as his C, his cheerleader, and his wife. Two years ago, I convinced him to get help. He has taken antidepressants since, but didn't want to do C, doesn't see it will help. (He is very intelligent and "logics" his way through many things, yet his thinking is essentially flawed with the depressive nature) He's on his third medication. The first one worked so well, we were blissful! But, he came down off of that high after a year and the meds stopped working. He is in a depressed state now and I fear for our relationship. We have three little girls and I don't have the time or will power to devote to working through this for him I need an equal partner and I can't take care of everyone and everything, not with three children.

I'm not leaving any time soon. He's on a new medication and I am hopeful that the gray cloud will lift again. It is such a difficult situation to be in. It hurts so much.

This weekend we had a serious talk concerning our future and it ended with no real plans on how to move forward in or marriage or in a seperation/divorce.

In the end the biggest decesion my wife verbalized was she would rather seperate then seek help for her depression. She is resigned to the fact (her view) that a series of her bad choices has gotten her to this point and her lot in life is to be depressed.She doesn't blame me and doesn't want a messy divorce and that it would probably be best if we split up.

I told her how the two sides of personality affect me and that her negative side is the one I see the majority of the time.

It is very sad , that in the end I want her to be happy and enjoy life (with or without me) and she is unable to reach for the same goal. We both agree she wants to be happy but she has no hope of ever being happy and I am out of patience and love to keep on pushing her towards getting better. I feel guility "giving up" on her, but I honestly know I have given her everything I have. I am thinking maybe I am part of the reason for her depression and that by us seperating she will finally break loose of her depression.

She said she was going to move to her mom's house, but I don't really know if that is what she really wants. I am not going to press the issue and see how things go the next couple of weeks. I am hoping she will think about things and decide to get help, if not I am assuming the next step is seperation.

any recommendations for websites dealing with depression ?

This past Thursday everything finally came to a head. It started with her telling me how miserable she was and that she wishes she could either start over or "go away". She's not sure how (in her eyes) her life got so bad, but feels it has been due to poor decisions on her part.

She said she didn't understand why I stick with her becasue she can she how unhappy I am. She said she treats me bad and it hurst to do so but she has no control.

I just listened and let her get it all out and then slowly talked about getting US (not just her this time)counseling.This went over like a lead balloon.She had many reasons why not(it doesn't help, they just judge you, etc.)After seeing this discussion was going nowhere we both did our own things without speaking to each other for the rest of the night. This silence continued until the next night.

When I came home from work so said things were over between us, she was going to sleep at her mother's house and that we should start the process of a divorce. I told her I disagreed and spent the next hour talking her into staying and at least trying to work things out. I had a prior engagemnet that night that I delayed until our discussion was at a point where she would not listen to anything I said. She asked me to leave and I finally did.

At this point I did not know if she would be at home when I returned. She has talked about leaving before but I always knew she wouldn't. This was the first time I honestly felt she may not be staying home.

When I came home she was there sleeping in bed and we didn't talk again until noon ( I was at work the next morning). She said she only stayed becasue she loved me and that she would try to go to a counselor with me, but I needed to set it up and if didn't help in short time that she would not continue going.

I thanked her and things have been "normal" since then?

Any advice to finding a counselor?