Hello to the marriage builder web groups. I am new to this. I never thought I'd find myself in this sort of situation. I just returned from Iraq and I found out the other day that my wife has been seeing another guy for almost three months. I have never met this person, just heard about him "as a friend" from her over the telephone. When I had suspicions and asked her about them (months ago), I was given a very bad attitude and told there was nothing to worry about. So, I didn't. However, it turns out my instincts were true.
I am 24 years old and have been married for two years... half of which I spent overseas. She now says she doesn't know if she made the right choice and questions her love for me. This all hurts so much. I have set up a few appointments with counselors for the two of us. I want nothing more than to work it out and she needs to decided what it is she is feeling. Can anyone offer some insight or at least relate to me. I feel so little right now. It would be great to know that there are others in this same boat. And I can't stop asking, "How could she do this to us?". This is just the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Please offer help if you have it.
Thanks.
TOM

Tom,

I am sorry to hear about what your WW has done. My H is currently over in Iraq and on his 2 wk R & R he cheated on me with OW. I know that it hurts so bad. I question the same thing you are why did he do this to me. Many people have told me to get into MC as soon as he gets back so i would say the same for you, it sounds like she has already done that. Maybe talk with a chaplain as well, I have and he helped me out alot so far too. My only difference is, I wont be able to start the recovery process for another 4 months when he gets back from there. I can relate to the pain you are going through and there are alot of military spouses that post of this site too, they can offer help they have to me and have helped me out alot so far. I wish you the best of luck and welcome back home glad you came home safe but sorry to hear about what your W has done, god bless and good luck!

First off you are far from alone. There are far too many of us with wayward spouses. The first thing I think about is that to me "Koho" is a hockey reference. I wanted nothing more than to get the SOB out on the ice and put him through the boards. Of course I know that wouldn't help anything until AFTER my wife and I are through. Everything about my wife's affair is/was wrong and she ofcourse doesn't see it. I was home every night but she wasn't. That said, the song that goes kind of like "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" is too true. This site has some great articles and even better people that can help you through it. My wife and I are trying to work through it and I'm trying to be optimistic. First thing that has to happen is that she has to eliminate the other man from her life completely and then give your relationship a chance. This will be the biggest hurdle, my wife and I are just working on this now. I'm taking her and the kids on vacation for a week to guarantee that at the least she sees only me for that long. Good luck, you have found the right place to help.

Well Slash and ronaile, thanks. And yes, the reference is related to hockey. I appreciate the support and any others that want to weigh in on this issue, please do. I look forward to educating myself about this situation as much as possible.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. Thankyou for your service in Iraq. Please know that we appreciate it very much.

Where is your wife living right now? With you? Is she still having contact with the other man?

Please read EVERYTHING on this site. It will really help you. Also you might want to post on general questions as there is much more traffic there.

Okay, My wife is still living with me. I did not allow her to even sleep downstairs. I stopped her from staying with her mother or going to a hotel. As far as I know, she's stopped communicating with the other guy. But how can I be sure? I've told her time and again that he is not what she thinks. She is disillusioned with the fact that while I was gone, he was there for her. But as I told her yesterday, he doesn't care for her and didn't intend to be serious. He just wanted to get in her pants. I don't know the guy, but as I guy, I know that's what he wanted. He had to sacrifice NOTHING for this.... she had to be willing to loose everything! That makes no sense. This weekend, she is off on a "girl's retreat" with her mother and sisters. I feel very lonely here, and although I understand it is in honor of my mother-in-law's birthday, I still can't but help thinking that she's not here because of her affair. I think she really wants to work it out with me. She simply keeps saying she doesn't know what she wants or what it is she feels. Just hearing her say that she has entertained the notion of leaving me for him hurts so bad. I couldn't imagine saying that about any other girl. I hope this isn't too long. Please keep talking with me folks... I need it. Coming home is hard enough as it is, yet alone to find this out.

You might want to post over on general questions. Weekends are very slow here.

We have quite a few folks in the military here (are you in the military?). Many are going through similar things. The problem is that when someone is deployed, sometimes the spouse gets frightened and weak, and just grabs on to someone.

You need to verify that she is having no contact with the other man. They usually don't break it off that fast, so be prepared.

The other suggestion here is that you try to spend at least 15 hours a week with your wife, doing pleasant things together. I'm sorry that she is gone this weekend. Have you checked that her story is true?

Try spending this weekend reading all of the information here. It will really help ground you.

Koho,
Do what believer said and post on general questions, i got alot of responese on there too. I bet coming back from war is hard enough and to find all of this out adds to how hard it is. I know i was so excited to see my H but now i wish he never was here when i had our daughter. Im sorry to hear that she is gone this weekend too, you might want to make sure that her story is true. I know i doubt my H all the time but then I think back that i have to start letting him regain my trust and so far he has had NC with OW since i found out. She is much younger than we are and her father told her to leave him alone and let us rebuild our M. Again good luck. I hope all works out for you!

First off you should use wood stick on this guy because those damned composite sticks aren't any good for a beating. I would never do that but I do think it from time to time. Anyways, I'm almost in the exact some position as you except I was home the whole time taking care of her kids while she was off being preyed upon by some loser. He knew she was married and even knew me. Either way, my wife and I are almost in the exact same spot. She's confused but is willing to give it a try. She's certainly not putting a 100% into it but it's early and I hope that it will either develop or end. She definitely has had thoughts and may even planned on leaving me at some point. It's messed up but be strong, there are a lot of ppl here for you and I'm definitely one of them. We are almost in the exact same position, I'll stick with ya' until we both get across this battlefield.

I am very sorry about your marriage koho.

I am in the mil as well. In fact I am in Iraq right now.

Personally I do not think I could take it if my wife cheated on me. I doubt I would want her back as she would be forever tainted in my eyes. I don't know. Not to mention having to worry about her doing it again the next time I have to go fight.

Since you want her backI recommend you be there, be nice but seek serious counseling in order to be able to deal with your hurt.
Because I know you are hurt, and have rage over what she has done and what the Jody did to you (if I ever caught one of em near my wife I'd put him in the Hospital, UCMJ be damned)
But seek some help for yourself. Your wife obviously is weak emotionally and will not be able to give you the comfort or stability you need right now. In fact, you will have to be the "rock" for her, supporting her as she goes through this. Crazy I know that we who go through so much only to have to return to spouses who cannot keep themselves together. Their weakness sickens me. Anyway, once again, please seek counseling for yourself, someone that you can vent your frustrations and anger to, so that you can remain emotionally rational.

Tom

sorry you had to be here but I guess like me you found a good place to get help.

I had a similar experience after I got back the second time.

In my case her A was over, OM out of the state & very remorseful WW..but still it hurt mate. In a way it was hard because I had nothing to fight if that makes sense, I had to work right away on my accepting & forgiving or getting out.
I still have trouble with trust.

Unless you are lucky most service attitudes are 'dump her asap' from my experience. Regardless of the country.
So you may need to use this site & external MC if you cant get any via your service. Though I understand US is doing some work in this area.

Right now you need to read everything on this site, learn about the Love busters, & love banking etc - just fancy names for real commonsense stuff, you'll see.
The hard bit comes when you need to take advice for a lot of it from the expereinced people here following the MB method seems like it will harm the situation & make it worse, but what the MB method does is work on the hidden core issues not teh surface responses you get from the WS.

ASk questions mate, vent, yell if you want to , but do it here or alone by yourself. And dont trust her right aay. You need to be sceptical & see if her actions match her words ...they probably dont.
Like this family girl thing this weekend. Ring up her mum and wish her happy birthday tonight/tomorrow & ask if your wife enjoyed it...& by this see if she even went. If you get hesitation may indicate mum is covering etc. Verify.
Know this may take months & you will not get any support which you probably need if this is your first action.

You may need to go to a group session of some sort with fellow vets to get this, anyway, most others can never understand, though its nice to get your spouses support.
Right now you wont, at least not what you need.

You may need to face this issue squarely as it can be a very bitter experience.

Ever need to vent you just email me or post & if I'm here I'll be happy to help.

You can do this mate, hard as it is, you can do it.

Aussie

Tom.

I am glad to see A2 posted to you. He and his wife were a great help to my FWW and I.

I would recommend reading WAT's post at the beginning of this section. It proved to be of great help to me as it helped me to understand FWW's behavior and what to expect from her.

I would avoid saying nasty things about OM to your W. She will just defend him and it may drive her closer to him.

Exposing the A to people that are significant to your W is a tool you should use to help end the A. Sounds like an LB but it works. I was reluctant to do it and my FWW gave me ****** for it when I did. It, also, started to strip away the fantasy of the A and make her face the reality.

Realize that many of the things that your W says right now are "fog talk". I know they hurt when they are said to you but don't let it get under your skin. WS's aren't thinking straight during the A or for a while after it.

Keep posting here. You will get lots of help, support, and advice from us.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

I thank all of you again. Let me first say that I know for a fact that the weekend deal was legit. I already knew about it, so no fears there. However, what has me angry and unable to sleep is when she tells me and even the counselors that her issue is that she has doubts about whether she wants to remain married to me. She seems to think that she has feelings for that guy still. That hurts me so much more than anything. How do you handle that? How can you sleep at night knowing the person next to you might be preferring to be next to someone else? That's the issue right now. For the first time, I don't know if I can take this. I don't know if we'll work out. She's not showing too much interest in that. *sigh* I'm starting to loose patience. I took other's advice and booked a trip to FL for this week. When I told her we were going somewhere, expecting to see an excited behavior, I got a depressed and concerned look. I don't think she wants to go. Imagine that?!! A girl that doesn't want to go to the beach! That breaks my heart. She says it is guilt that makes her feel that way. Like she doesn't deserve a vacation and I say it is just that I want to get away from all of this. That will provide a good distraction. Did I do the wrong thing by trying to take her on this trip? I do hope not. But something needs to change from her if this has any hope.

Good Morning Tom,

I was finishing up a response to your last post when I hit the wrong button and sent it into never-never land.

Don't have time to redo it now but will post this PM.

Where you and W are at is pretty typical at this time.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

Hi Tom,

Lets see if I can do better this PM.

Sounds like your W is in withdrawl. Standard thing when the A has ended. The high is gone from the A, she faces an uncertian future with you, she has to deal with her own betrayl of self, etc.

My FWW, after she got out of the withdrawl phase, labeled the A as being crazy, thanked me for staying with her.

Right now, all you can do is work your plan A. Don't expect much from your W in regards to meeting your EN's right now. That will come later so be patient.

In the mean time consider getting some anti-depressents to help you make it through the next few weeks. Another option is to take an herbal supplement called SAM-e. The SAM-e works very well.

Vaya con dios,
Gordon

Wow, koho you and I are toeing a very similar line. My wife and I are on vacation now and get this, we are in Florida. She helped plan the vacation for us and our 2 kids. Who couldn't be happy in Disney? Me for one. The vacation is going well. We are having lots of fun. I've guaranteed physical separation from the OM even though it's "over". I believe I'm putting some coin in the love bank even though I'm emptying our bank. My only problem is the reality of the situation. I know the feelings you are having and the heartache as I'm right there, right now. She is definitely not contributing to fix this at this point. I get frustrated because I feel like I'm on a trial basis. Suddenly, it's like I'm courting her all over again. It's tough but in my mind it's worth it for me. I do love her and want to at least have a real chance to try and make it work. I think you need to be realistic based on your circumstances. I know that there are things I can do and change to meet all of her needs but are you able to do that? I'm thankful as we all are that you chose to serve our country but is she going to be able to handle that and be trusted with that? You can't have any questions in your mind when you away from home and you can't prevent being away from home while you are serving. Be positive, be upbeat, be strong. I have 2 kids that are an enormous source of strength for me even though they don't know it. Try and find someone or something to give you strength because I think you will need it just like I have.

how are things going koho?