This is the first I have heard from my wife since Monday, and the exchange we had. If you have the time please comment:

Jerry,

I want you to know that none of this is easy, but I feel like all I am ever going to do for you is disappoint you and hurt you. It does not matter how unintentional my actions are, I still hurt you.

You are too wonderful a person to live like this and I want you to be happy again, with someone that is as wonderful as you are; but that will never be me.

I know that when I see you again or speak to you all I am going to do is cry, so I just can’t pick up the phone and tell you all this.

I have an apartment that will be ready Saturday. All the boys, Scott and Dad are coming to help me get my stuff from your house and move. Here is all that I want, and I am not trying to be greedy as I intend to leave many of the things I purchased before we were married with you.

Computer
Computer Desk; either Josh’s or the one that it is on now.
Printer
My captain’s chair
Everything that goes to the computer and printer
All of my personal belongings (clothes, jewelry, make up, shot stuff, shoes)
All of Jordan’s things
Everything out of Josh’s room.
I would like a second TV, but I can do without.
Sara’s clothes and toys
Half the dishes (some of the cheap pots ~ not any of the Calaphon cookware; the metal mixing bowls and baking things that you never use, some silverware and a few of
the other utensils)
All the stuff in the attic that is mine.
All of the picture albums and I swear I’ll make copies of everything for you. You can just delete on your own what you do not want to keep.
All of my CDs; but nothing that was yours and mine. You love music even more than I do, so keep what you want and I’ll get mine.
All of the Christmas stuff that is of no meaning to you.
I would like the Christmas tree, you can put up a real one now.
My books
Things in the cabinets and fridge that you and the girls will not eat
The small book shelf currently in the kitchen
The kitchen table and 7 chairs as I am going to have the bigger bunch every night now. One chair will remain so you can sit at the computer table with your laptop.
The weight bench
My hand gun
The beach towels and about a dozen wash rags and a few hand towels.
Anything that belongs to me or the kids in the storage closet outside.
All of the bills and important paper information that I will need.
There are sentimental knick-knacks the boys gave me.
I can’t think of anything else, you keep the rest.

I am leaving Sara’s bed, bookshelf/ dresser there as she will need them when she visits, which I am sure will be often. I am going to speak with Tony about the work schedule, but I may need you to pick her up from time to time, or she may just want to see her Daddy.

I am not asking for a divorce, neither of us can afford that. Once it gets that far, I want to have joint custody of Sara. You have as much say as I do in any decisions regarding her and you should be able to see her often.

What you need to know about the checking and savings account: Dad loaned (probably really gave) me a check for $1000 so I could get everything set up. There was only $509 in the checking account, so I deposited the check and withdrew $500. There was $271 in the savings and I withdrew $250. That is $750 out of the $1000.
I am going to take out $300 tomorrow morning and then cut up my debit and have my name removed from the account. I have already changed my paycheck to live until I get it routed to a new account. The reason I am pulling out $300 is that Josh’s cell phone debit will come out of that account, but I still need to pay the insurance on the vehicles. Your share of that is about $100; Josh’s cell phone is @ $58.00. I round it off just make it an even $300. I am going to pay the insurance in person and have them take Josh and me off the account and make a new account for us. It still looks like there is a plus $200 to $300 on the banks end from what I show in the checkbook, so that is good.

Remember, I am not asking you for monetary child support, just for your time and help raising our daughter. From time to time, there may be things she needs, and it would not be right just to rely on my Dad. I fully understand if you are too strapped financially for the next couple of years to be of much assistance; just do what you can.

I attached a spreadsheet to let you know where we are on the bills. You will need to start paying some this week. You can look at the Bill.xls file and take out the ones that are mine and refigure when and how to pay everything.

I have asked Dad to leave Sara in Batesville on Saturday. I just do not think that she needs to find out that way and watch all the stuff being moved. It will be hard enough on us. I’ll pick her up on Sunday and explain it in the best and easiest way I can. I am sure she will want to see you as soon as she can though.
Please feel free to call Dad’s if you want to talk to her.

I should just send this and we can talk about the rest tomorrow or Saturday.

Please take care of yourself.

Susanna
__________________________________________________

Susanna,

This is all a little much a little fast.
You just don't understand that what you are doing now is the biggest possible hurt you could inflict on me. I fell in love with you and gave up everything in my life to be with you. I still love you today.
I have been miserable for many reasons. Now you are giving me the biggest reason of all.

You can take all the CD's. I can't listen to anything without thinking of you.
You can have what ever you want. I don't really need anything.

I'm going to ask you to do two things...
1) When you come Saturday - only get the big things you need help with and the things you have to have right now. I don't want all of them here any longer than absolutely necessary. You can come by and sort out papers and knick-knacks and attic stuff when you have time. I'll help you with it. I just want Saturday done fast.

2) Please don't take the sexy cloths and lingerie I bought for you. I'm not going to refuse to let you take them, I'm simply asking you not to do that to me.

I Love you Susanna. No matter what I will always Love you.

____________________________________________

Jerry,

I can go through them or you can. Somehow, I thought you had already burned them all.

I cannot tell you how much this hurts me, but I can t live like this anymore and the damage that it is doing to all our kids is severe. I will always love you, but I realized when we argued Monday that it would never end. You will never trust me, and if there are still things I am lying about and covering up, then I am not even aware that I am doing it. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, but I managed to destroy all that. I am sorry, so very sorry; but love is just not enough to fix this.

Susanna

_____________________________________-

Susanna,

Loose ends… That’s what I am now. I guess you’re right because that’s how I feel – just a loose end.

I’m alone now. I’ve never been alone before, and have no desire to be. The thing is there is no one else I want to be with – so I guess I’m just alone. I like having friends, but my life has no meaning if I don’t have that one person who makes me whole. You are that one person despite all of the pain. I told you when we first started seeing each other – standing in the conference room door in my old office, that no matter what we did, all I could see in my future was pain. Pain if I stayed with my wife and lost you, or pain in my life if we stayed together. How prophetic was that? You told me then that you couldn’t promise you would still be with me in five years… well we made nine.

I know you want this all to be civil and painless, and I will do all I can to make it civil, but it’s not painless. I know that you now have what you have always wanted – freedom, but now I have the thing I’ve most dreaded… nothing. I hope your freedom makes you happy.

Something struck me as particularly painful in your “Loose Ends” email. You said “One chair will remain so you can sit at the computer table with your laptop.” I don’t know why I found this so painful. Maybe it’s because it kind of shows the fact that you realize just how alone you have left me. I only need one chair. You need seven because your life is now full and vibrant. I only need one because I’m all that’s left of my life. There was a time when I meant something to me, but not anymore; so you’re right – I only need one chair so I can sit at the computer table with my laptop.

Maybe I can right that book now. I have all the angst and pain to claim my place with the best of them.

I bought this computer with vacation money I sold, yet it was the first thing on your list…

“Computer
Computer Desk; either Josh’s or the one that it is on now.
Printer
My captain’s chair
Everything that goes to the computer and printer”

That was kind of painful too. Not that you wanted it, but that from our life together it was the first thing you wanted. The first thing you thought of. If it’s so important to you, you can have it. It really means nothing to me. None of the material things in this house mean anything to me.

I wish I could show you what’s inside my heart Susanna. I wish I could reach inside my chest, bend down on one knee and hand it to you. I wish you could understand me. I’m not the insanely jealous redneck husband you describe to your friends… I am a very passionate person who loves you with all of his heart, who wants nothing more than to treat you like the princess you are – to love you, protect you and take care of you. All I ever wanted was for you to Love me the same way, but we don’t understand each other.

You also said…
“I would like a second TV, but I can do without.”

You can have all the TV’s Susanna. I really don’t care.

I take that back – you can have all but one. The girls will want to watch TV every once in a while. We can all sit in the one remaining chair in front of the laptop.

I’m sorry if I come across a little bitter, but my life has just been destroyed. It was a wreck before, but now it’s destroyed. There’s a difference. Before – despite all the pain, you were here. Now you’re not.

I Love you with all my heart and soul Susanna, and I always will.

Did I understand this correctly, you left your wife to be with Susanna?

Yes.

What did you do to make amends for the pain you caused before?

I am very sorry for you, honest.

Have you wondered if finally your chickens have come home to roost?

One of your responses to her struck me... you're a loose end. Since my wife took off with OM, I have felt like a loose end in all all all my interactions with her.

I remember emails from my W about money, with numbers all over the place, much like the messages from your W. It would take me days to summon the energy to absorb them.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Your W doesn't care about it right now. Not really. Even if she says she does. Trying to articulate your suffering to her is unlikely to help you. She does not want to hear it.

If she could, she might plug her ears and say "lalalalalalalala" until you go away.

The trail of bodies in her wake, and in yours, is truly heartbreaking.

And so many people are proud to call themselves "romantics".

GC

Then what do I call myself GC?
Dead man walking is the only other thing I can come up with.

Oh - and yes, my chickens have been roosting for a long time now.

Cruz
I am very sad for you.

Your situation makes me understand many of the adages regarding infidelity.

" If they do it WITH you they'll do it TO you"
" If you don't learn from broken relationships you carry teh faults on to your next relationship".

I have no words for you Cruz.

Its very sad though

All Blessings

Bob

Cruz,

You need to make a decision. One way or the other.

Floundering in a sea of not really here, and not really there will keep you in the painful muck.

You said all your life with her has been nothing but unrelenting pain. You told her to leave, and now that she is gone you are professing your love for her.

Now that she is gone, you are in unrelenting pain still.

Now is the time you save yourself, and let her go save herself (or not).

You have a choice to live in the light again, or slowly die in the dark, dragging your children behind you.

Let her go Cruz, and find the love within yourself so that you have love to give again.

It is time for self- survival.

My choices are why I'm where I am. So much for my ability to make good ones.
I'm not floundering any more by the way... I'm sinking.

I have been in pain the entire time I've been with her. I cheated on my wife to be here. I desrve to hurt. I'm relishing the burn as I type this. The only pain worse than what I have had for the last nine years that could possibly come my way now has.
I care nothing for saving myself. I'm sorry for my children to have been born to some one as worthless as I am.

Darkness sounds really good right now. The thought of it almost makes me feel happy.

Your in crisis now Cruz, and need to get help.

If you want help let me know, and I will give a site, and the name of a man who can help you. If you want it.

Are you IC? If not, now seems like a good time...if you can't afford it, any pastor/priest would be another good option as most of them are trained counselors.

Try not to look at the "Long" ball...just worry about getting through the day...each day.

Repeat each day..."I will make it through today". Repeat tomorrow...

It WILL get better...really!

Keep us posted...

Scott

Cruz,

Please do seek HELP right now and talk with someone OK? EVERYONE has the ABILITY to make changes and become the kind of person they can be proud of and their children can be proud of.

I was in a dark place like you once.It seemed so calming and reassuring.But let me tell you,the very idea of my children not being with me and me not being with them and thinking about THEIR pain from me being gone FOREVER was sobering.From this very day forth,you can have the kind of life you want and be the kind of parent you need to be.

YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU CRUZ.PLEASE don't make them hurt horribly too.Let them be your reason for going on each hour,each day.PLEASE Seek professional help to get through this rough time.

O

Cruz:

I don't know your story, but the solution 2 ALL problems like this is self-healing.

Don't forget, as you seek this darkness and pain, that you take your loved ones with you. Live what you'd like THEM 2 live. You owe them your emotional health.

You can 2rn your life around. Anyone can.

best,
-ol' 2long

Cruz, Weaver is so right. Please get help NOW! You can be in the light, you can be THE light for your children. Don't let your past mistakes ruin your future.

Cruz, redemption is possible for any person with an ounce of decency.

You are going to be redeemed.

Can you describe what made the last nine years so painful? I'm sorry, I don't recall.

GC

Instead of wallowing in this pain, why not make a goal for yourself to come out of this a better man? This is/was a horrible situation and you were reeled in hook, line and sinker. Can you see that now? (Read Proverbs Chapter 7 which explains the trap of a adulterous woman.)

As BobPure said, if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. Now you see the truth in that statement? Do you see how your wife and children felt when their life was turned upside down when the same thing happened to them?

The best possible thing you can do for your family is grow from this. Become a man whom your children can admire. Start by apologizing to those you've hurt and explain that you got what was coming. Admit your mistakes and learn from them.

Look forward instead of backward. To continue a relationship with her will bring nothing but further pain. You may feel as if you're a loose end and she well may consider you a loose end, because you know Cruz, she's incapable of caring for anyone but herself.

What kind of person were you before she came into the picture? I think if you look honestly at those times, you'll remember happiness. Often we'll rationalize and change history to suit our agenda. I suspect that may have happened in your case.

Thank God in Heaven that she didn't totally destroy you. There's hope and a bright future that's just difficult to see right now. Trust me, it's there.

And even if "they don't do it with you, they'll do it to you anyway".

Attested to by all the BS's on this board who did not "do it" with their spouses.

Cruz loves her. He gave up his family for her. He hurt a lot of people for her. And still, it wasn't enough for her.

Hang on Cruz.

Attested to by all the BS's on this board who did not "do it" with their spouses.

Man, I sure hope that was a joke. If not, it's incredibly insensitive and short sighted.

Continually saying to Cruz "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you" is incredibly insensitive to him in light of the fact that he has been married to this women for nine years and is in extreme emotional pain.

And no it was not a joke. It was the truth.

Weaver, I don't think it's harsh at all............it's the truth, and the truth is painful sometimes.

I think both addages are true...

I just wanted to say that I see your point.

I initially decided not to post to this thread, when I read that he had left his wife for this woman, it seemed that he'd gotten what was coming to him.....because I am a BS, and it's incredibly hard not to take all of the things here personally.

I re-grouped and decided that regardless of the circumstances, Cruz is in pain, his prior circumstances don't make his pain any less real.

I'm sure he has a first hand understanding of the irony here, I'm sure we don't need to point that out to him.

He's married to this woman now, he has a child with her, they're a family.

Let's deep 6 smacking his hand for his transgressions and help him.

-Caren