I have been around here a while and have not felt the need to post for quite a while but....

My WW and I are now divorced. Several EA's and at least one PA over the last 10 years was enough. (She said they were just "special" friends).

Anyway, she went from being a great wife, mother, lover, friend, Sunday School teacher to a man-hungry bar-fly. I hear she is out all the time and never comes home at night (her new place) when I am gone. One of her friends told me at her 20th class reunion last week she was hanging out with all the guys and showing them her new tatoo on her back. (Her friends were disgusted with her.)

She took my Grandfathers farm (that he built) and that I inherited (and I grew up there) as part of the settlement. It is sold and she got lots of money and is now not working. Taking it away from me did not bother her a bit.

I just could go on, and on, and on...

My question is, anyone had any experiences like this? What causes someone to do this? (Please don't tell me that her emotional needs were not met because I now know they were. In between her episodes we had a wonderful relationship.)

How long will this last for her? Why do I even care anymore? How will her behavior affect the kids?

Everyone tells me she will be back someday. What do I do if she does?

Hi BHINWI,

It has been a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Sorry to hear the fog still resides out your way. How long? Temporary but could feel like forever. You may see a downhill trend soon if not already. That will shorten up the time. Lack of funds also tends to hurry up the bottoming out.

If she ever comes to her senses and want to come back, the choice is not hers but yours. Don't fret that now. You will cross that bridge as a stronger person when that happens.

For now, what have you been doing to help yourself?

L.

Dear BHINWI,
it sounds a bit like an addiction.
My STBXRWH (R for repetitive) went to prostitutes and had sex with my best friend during our M, and now he is dating women he meets on the internet. He wanted to go to a sex club with that BF of mine, and tried to set up another friend of his for a threesome etc. etc.
He is acting like a 14-year old on hormones, and that doesn't look good on a 37-year old.

We went to see a therapist (once) and he told STBX that an addiction to sex might originate in childhood when a mother or father isn't giving the child the right environment to mature sexually. Then the child gets "stuck" somewhere in it's evolution, possibly resulting in weird, addictive, immature behavior. As my H's mother was a very self-absorbed person with little interest for her children, and since she died when H was 12, I can imagine H got himself a real problem with commitment towards women.

Still... since H doesn't think he needs any therapy, and will just "not do it again" (like he promised the first time).. I see no hope for our M, as these things don't just go away. I think a lot of self-reflexion and outside help is needed to mend this problem.

All my best wishes to you.. I'm moving out next week and will be starting a life of my own too.

Brownhair,

I am so sorry for your situation but I can so relate.

Orchid,
Thanks for your comments. As far as what I am doing for me:

Spending tons of time with DD and DS!

When kids are gone I ride my bike. (I am an avid road cyclist). Put 150 miles in one day and loved every minute of it.

Working on my Masters degree.

Finished renovating my old house.

Have dated a couple of times... Not sure if I am ready though.

Hang out with lots of good friends.

I keep moving ahead. Moving backwards is far too painful.

Keith

BHINWI,

Your progress sounds good. Don't let WS setbacks pull you down. You are up and running.... or biking whatever the case may be, u r moving forward and fast. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Watch out for those who think u r an easy catch. It s/b an R not a game to meet your someone special. Hate to think how many women want to play games while others are being nice and ignored. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Somewhere inbetween is one that is good for you and visa versa.

In the meantime, you have your plans, enjoy your children. Quite proud of your progress. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Keith, I am right there with ya. Been married 9 years this September. When H and I married he was a nice, caring, loving man. Worked hard and spent time with me. We had problems in our marriage later on and EN's were not being met on either side and H started to change in that he had/has a lot of anger inside of him and he started getting quite verbal. We separated twice because of this and since the second separation he was never the same. He went from that nice man I married to, as you put it, a barfly and womanizer. A liar, cheater, pathetic man if you ask me. Last fall he destroyed someone else's marriage who had only been married for less than 6 months. (Ow is pretty mental too and about 7 years younger than H) H turns 31 this month and is acting 21. He moved out not even a month ago and ow moved out of her house about the same time. And they just picked right back up where they left off. So, 2 destroyed families later I find myself asking the same questions you are... what the heck happened to the man I married?! He had no morals, says he has no respect for himself for what he has done and yet keeps doing it. OW's H is DEVASTATED to say the least. He just cannot get over this. He calls her all the time and she sickly gives him the blow by blow details of all the time she spends with my H. What kind of a sick person is that? H sneaks around to go to her apt at night (he is staying with family friends who are older and he goes out after everyone is in bed, sees ow for booty call, then goes back to the families house and goes to sleep). Our questions may never be answered. I am in complete shock my H has done this and is doing this. If he was so unhappy in our marriage why wasn't he man enough to leave? Why did I have to be the one to make him do it? And why and how do you destroy a newlyweds marriage just to fill your own selfish needs? I will never know. It makes me wonder if we ever really know anyone at all.... I thought I knew my H but didn't know him at all. His mother and sister are coming in from Alaska tomorrow to talk with him. His mother is devastated with all that has gone on. Don't know if it will help but she's his mother and she loves him and she wants some answers.... Hope she can get some.

I still hurt a lot. I don't want my H back. I don't think I could ever trust him. I think from time to time of selling the house and moving so I can start fresh somewhere new with my kids. This town is soooooo small it is just plain hard to live here right now with everything so fresh. My best "revenge" is living well, excercising everyday, looking my best, and trying to show the world I am surviving and am better than my H. I start a new job soon and college in the fall so I will be busy. The whole situation is just such a tragedy. So many people hurt and for what? mlhb

MLHB,
You ask the same questions that I do and we will probably never know why because we don't do those kind of things. It is amazing the trail of destruction a WS will leave and they don't care who gets hurt. It is all about them.

If you read some of my old threads you will see that I have had oppurtunities to cheat during our marraige. Never did and I told my wife about those oppurtunites (the ones that were blatent). I told her because there needs to be honesty in a healthy marraige. Why did I not cheat? The answer is easy, I promised to be faithful to my wife and always was. (Plus I loved her dearly and could never do something to hurt her).

Why does she cheat, only she knows. I know she will be back some day at my door. The question is will I be there?

At this point I just want to heal. I want to feel good ALL of the time like I used to. I want to enjoy life all of the time.

Then I want to meet someone that I can love for the rest of my life. I want someone that knows she has found the most loving, faithful, loyal husband she can find. I want someone that comes straight to me when she is sad and needs a shoulder. I want someone I can whisper to at night and tell her how beautiful she is. These are all things I did for my wife and now she is gone.

God bless and I can totally relate to what you are going through.

Keith

I either want the man back that I married or find someone who will meet my EN's. I have slept alone for 2 years now, even when H was here he slept on the couch. I long for someone to sleep with and hold me. I think this whole situation is so selfish and ridiculous. My H should be in MY bed not me sleeping alone. I have learned over the years that marriage is definitely hard work and I guess my H just doesn't want to bother. I think anything that has gone on in our marriage is repairable and could be worked on. But I cannot do that alone. And apparently it is more fun to run around than to work hard for my H. The funny thing is I know at one time my H had a conscience and I know deep down he knows he is doing wrong and has been doing wrong and that right there is a lot of his unhappiness and depression. mlhb

MLHB,

I hear you. Being a BS is a lonely struggle. For me, just throwing in the towel was murder - I loved her so much.

What plan are you in? Are you taking care of yourself?

I wrote him a plan B letter last night. It will take a miracle from God for us to ever be restored. I do believe in miracles mind you but I am moving on with my life. My MIL is due into town today along with my SIL as they want to have an "intervention" type thing with my H and include the pastor of the church. My MIL is beside herself with concern over my H and the decisions he has made in the past few years. He is her son and she hurts to see and know what he is doing. She hates that our marriage has been destroyed. She wants to try and get some answers from him. I am going to tell her to be up front and forward with the family he is staying with as well as I do not think they know the half of what he is doing. The bottom line is my H needs help. He has really gotten messed up and he is with a very mentally unstable person.

In my letter I reminded him of our good times, how we started with such a pure and innocent foundation unlike what he is building on now, lies, cheating, destroying families. I told him that ow stbxh talks to me from time to time when he needs to talk and that I would like to believe my H is truly sorry for destroying this man, as I know my H is a better person than what he has been acting. I also told him that ow and stbxh talk everyday on the phone and that she tells him every conversation and everything that she and my H do because she is playing some sick twisted game. I also told him what she tells her stbxh and how warped the stuff is. She is quite a wack job. I pretty much ended it with the fact that he is still my husband and that I do love him but until he can come to me and give up all ow and want to work 100% on our marriage I felt I could have no further contact with him unless it concerned the kids. That I packed all his stuff up and it needs to be gone because it is too painful to look at. That when he is ready I am all ears to listen. I told him I felt that 10 years and 2 children were worth the effort it would take. That I was still working on my changes and I feel I am the best I have ever been and that I will still have a great future with or without him, it would just be nicer to share it with the man I married.

Yes, I am taking good care of myself. I excercise 2 hours a day, start a new career path this fall working part time and going to school for nursing. I got a new hair style and went back to my natural color with highlites,and starting tanning again. I walk outside for one hour everynight all around town for excercise and to show the town "hey, I am out here and surviving and am better for it" I am not hiding myself away. The best revenge is living well. I have decided also when I do have to see my H when dropping off kids or whatever I am going to be all happy and smiles. I was a bit sarcastic on the phone with him the other night, kinda stooping to his level stuff, and yesterday I apologized to him for it, said I did not want to be the kind of person who resorts to immature comments, that I am better than that.

So, anyway, in a nutshell, that's where I'm at! mlhb