I have been married for 7 years and have 2 young children and I am currently in the military. While I was deployed to over seas I had an affair and it bled over after I returned. My wife found out about it and we confronted the situation or so I thought. I promised to never see the woman again and I have not, I have focused all my attention to rebuilding our marriage. So I thought we were moving on but then I was deployed again shortly after she found out about the infidelity. We were doing really good considering, I thought we were better than ever. Now she says she does not care anymore and she wants to separate. This was out of the blue I mean blindsided me. I said we are separated, meaning the deployment. I have about 4 months left till I get home and I am willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. I love my wife and I am truely sorry for what I have done to out family. I am just not sure what to do now to ensure she will still be there to give it a chance. She keeps saying she needs to make herself happy first and I need to find out what my problem is and fix it before we can work. That is part of it to I dont know what to do and I am in a total state of cinfusion. My job is pretty stressful considering where I am deployed to, it is really afecting my work so that is causing me even more grief. Any help would be appriciated, I need some outside opinion's from people who dont know us just the situation.

J,

Welcome to MB. Good to see you have your sane mind back but sad to know it will take more work to get your M back on track.

You are currently deployed and your W probably feels betrayed more than ever. That is just how a BS feels.

Knowing this, let's get you and your W some help.

At MB we generally encourage people to read the concepts section above. Take the EN questionnaire and send a copy for your W t/d. Then both of you compare what each others top 5 ENs are. Know all each others ENs. It may surprise you.

Both of you read Surviving an Affair and His needs/Her needs as soon as you can. If your W reads it 1st, let her tell you what she is reading.

Both of you get into some MC or IC ASAP. Steve H @ MB does phone counseling. So your W can have that if she chooses.

The initial steps to recovery is each one (the BS and Xws) must work on their own personal recovery. Then understanding how to communicate with their spouse (read His Needs/Her Needs). Making the necessary changes is the next step. Making it a way of life follows. By then the changes s/b evident. Then marital recovery has a good chance.

Read up on plans A and B.

There is another MB poster called Mortarman. He has helped many in the military.

take care,
L.

She is probably scared to death you will do it again and can't withstand another betrayal. What have you done to repair the damage from your affair? Have you answered all of her questions about the affair? Have you cut off all contact with the OW?

What caused the first affair and has that dynamic been addressed and repaired? I suspect she thinks that your baing away from home is the cause of your affair so she thinks it will happen again. Why would she think it wouldn't happen again?

L

One of the first things I did when I found this website was read the first chapter of both of those books, Surviving an Affair, and His needs Her needs. I ordered 2 copies of each and had them sent to her they arrived 2 days ago. She is forwarding my copies to me, but mail takes about 10-14 days to get to me. I have done some initial research on MC in the states and she is making an appt for herself asap. But for me I can only read those books until I get back. I told her as soon as I get back I am more than willing to do MC.

You made a comment about each person must work on there own personal recovery. Does that mean that they should cut the other person off to do it? Meaning her cutting me off. Or is this just a defense mechanism for her to repair herself without getting hurt during her personal repair process?

I have been reading Dr Harley's website and I am looking forward to reading his books. Thanks for the help, I am off to read up on Plan A, B.

J

melodylane,

Yes I believe she is scared to death about me being gone again. As you state at the end, this was one of the factors in the afair, being deployed. I am trying to reasure her daily that I am faithful and realize the errors of my way.

"What have I done to repair the damage?"
Proably never enough, But I have cut complete ties with the OW. I have apoligized to my Wife for all the hurt and pain I have caused us. I wrote my wife a letter trying to explain every little detail of the affair based on DR Harley's principles. His discussions on afairs really opened my eyes and helped me put into words my perception of the afair.


The dynamic of the affair has been addressed but I think in order to repair it we need to do MC. For the simple reason is I think we thought we had repaired it but it reared its head 8 months after I deployed. So either it never was really repaired or the stresses of me not being there brought it all back to light.

while I have been deployed I have really paid attention to her needs and wants unlike the past, I thought that would get us through the deployment till I return for the MC.

Why would she think this would happen again?.. She does not trust me anymore, which I am trying very hard to rebuilt my creditablity with her again.

Thank you melody you have made me look at some things differently.

Orchid: Good start. A BS goes through phases similar close to grieving the death of a loved one. You can read the link in my signature line. This will help you see what your wife maybe dealing with. Understanding this will help you see what you need to work on so that when you 2 do communicate you will have a better sense of how to speak and when to listen to her. This stuff takes time to learn. Don't try to cram it down your throat or hers.

Pray for a clear mind, a calm heart and lots of patience.

As recovery progresses the time comes when the BS' needs surface and anger is a common emotion. You wife w/b very angry at how you have betrayed her. Your job w/b to reassure her that you did make that mistake but you have learned and you will need to prove that you have learned
your lesson.

It w/b harder on you trying to convince your W you really mean what you say since your prior actions did not. This is where it will take lots of patience. If you have support to guide you through this process, then it will help.

Each of you can create your personal suppport team. You can use MB here for both of you. Let us know how we can help.

Don't give up. Expect her to question and test your judgement.


Orchid: Sometimes that is necessary for a while. Remember you have hurt her deeply and each person reacts differently to pain. Be glad she isn't out to retaliate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Direct her here if you feel it is safe for both of you to post. There have been couples that were both the BS and Xws have posted here and we have helped both either separately or together.


Orchid: Good. Glad to see you are reading the material. This will be very beneficial for you when you are implementing your plans.

take care,
L.

I'm not sure that I have the course of events right. Please correct me if I'm wrong. While on deployment#1 you had A...upon returning home W found out...started reconcilation...8 months later deployment#2 and W is not handling it well.

Although my Navy H cheated on me during shore duty, when it came time for sea duty and his first underway periods I was a nervous wreck. I just knew in my heart that he would cheat on me again and there wasn't anything that he could say to convince me otherwise. I guess to answer your question, the reason we think that it would happen again is b/c IT happened in the first place. What types of things are you doing to regain her trust? My H, while half way accepting responsiblity for his actions said that he was "trying" to regain my trust, later down the road he saw that he really wasn't doing all that he lead himself to believe he was. Place yourself in her shoes do you think that she should trust you more? Or that her insecurities about your deployment aren't justified? Something to think about.

I think its great that you have found MB and are following the great advice and M principles Dr. Harley has to offer.

As a side note, when a person who is in the military has an A, why not make a career move to save M? I'm sure that every answer is different, but one must admit that being in the miliatry affords many more opportunities to have A's then regular 9-5 jobs.