Hi All,

Is this normal behavior? I've told my story before -- my H has had a long-term A in a foreign country. For a variety of reasons we've decided to return to the States (we're both Americans). We started a divorce here, but both my H and I want to wait to see if we can make things work when we get back home, and, in fact, I suspect that with the OW physically out of the way, we stand a reasonable chance of getting things to work. (We tried and failed to reconcile here this spring, but my H never cut off contact with the OW.)

What disturbs me now is to see how my H is continuing the A even as we talk about reconciling in a few months time. He has not even told the OW that he is making serious plans to move half a world away from her! This self-centeredness is really disturbing me and causing me to wonder if I am being duped by my charming H or if this is typical "addictive" behavior that will only end when there is physical separation. Any experience with this? Will things become magically better after we put distance between my WH and the OW? Should I expect a little attention from him the meantime?

member1326

mem, is there is any reason why he needs to break up with the OW? It sounds like he has a great set up here with 2 women meeting his needs at the same time. Does he have any motivation to end his affair? What things have you done to end the affair?

Also, moving to the US does not have to mean the end of the affair. Affairs can easily be carried on long distance.

MelodyLane,

We ended our reconciliation attempts, because my H wouldn't meet my SF needs and wouldn't agree to IC and MC, which I demanded. We have continued to talk, for the obvious reasons (son and property in common, etc.). By now, I have alot of scar tissue where the wounds once were, so we are able to communicate when necessary without my going to pieces, despite the fact that he continues the A.

Perhaps I am naive to think that things will be better when we go back home -- but my lawyer recommended we file for the D in the US rather than here. So, being the practical one, I want to also see if maybe, just maybe, we can make things work on familiar turf -- before ditching a 30-year relationship. Am I grasping at straws?

member, what have you done to bust up his affair, though? Wouldn't that be a condition for reconciliation?

Am I reading correctly that this affair has gone on for 4 years?

Yes, he has had this A for 4 years. When he asked me to come back to him this past spring, my H sent a message to the OW saying it was over and he let me read it. But she kept calling, and he didn't hang up on her or change his number like he should have done. That bothered me, and I insisted he do something, so he finally got an answering machine so he could screen the calls. Well guess what??? He didn't screen them! He didn't really want to give it up.

But I know this woman (she was also posing as my friend before the A started) and I know well this is not a woman for the long haul for my H. There are a multitude of reasons he has stayed with her so long (mainly his own low self-esteem which was weakened by his being thrown into this in some ways hostile culture plus his just plain weak character). He is eager to get back to a more supportive environment and to put all this behind him -- but I don't think he can get himself out of her clutches. He says he's using her -- and I've been there and done that myself -- until he returns to America. Yes, he's using me as well by leading me to believe that there might be a chance in America. The man doesn't know what he wants. I think the chance that things will work out in America is low, but we're headed in that direction anyhow, so we might as well wait and see.

member1326