This is my second post on MB. "How to choose joy through the pain" explains my entire story.

I had an extremely difficult night. For some reason, most people I know truly adore my husband and I. Not to sound arrogant, but people enjoy being around us - especially my husband. He has a very energetic and fun-loving personality. Where we grew up, we were considered the "perfect couple." In-love and happy all the time. For years people have been asking us, "So when are the kids coming?" We would always say, "Soon, one day, we just want to make sure everything is ready." Now I am not sure that will ever happen.

We spent a beautiful evening together Wednesday night, and Thursday was probably the best day I have had in a long time. I visited a few friends and my family. Although everyone seemed to ask and pressure me about kids, I knew it would happen one day. On my way home, I felt that my husband probably had a bad day. That is usually how it goes: when one of us is happy, the other is sad. I tried to be upbeat and positive, but I could see the sadness all over his face.

We went to bed and read one chapter in His Needs Her Needs over communication. We agreed that we had somehow gotten away from talking about everything. With the move, our life together morphed into two seperate lives. He at his job and me at my school. When we discuss the weaknesses in our marriage, I get very sad and begin to blame myself. I am an extreme perfectionist. When we talk, I am reminded how "not perfect" we are and I crumble.

I tried so hard to fight the urge to get upset last night, knowing it would do no good. We were just both being honest and I should just accept and work to fix the things that can be fixed. As I laid in bed, my husband rolled over to go to sleep and I immediately felt everything slipping away again, only faster this time. I got up and went to the other room to cry. I was able to work myself into such a tizzy that at 2:00 in the morning, I found myself getting dressed, looking for my car keys and heading to the garage. I got the car cranked and in reverse, but that is as far as I could go. Sometimes I feel so weak that I can not just leave, go on with my life.

When I came back in the house, my husband was up terrified about what I was doing. He let me cry and scream and share all I was feeling.

I feel hopeless. I feel that we are only hurting each other more by staying together. When he looks at me, he is reminded of the life we had planned together and how screwed up the plan has become. When I look at him, I see a man who is completely devestated by the circumstances. He told me last night he doesn't know when and if he will ever want children. He images me with a swollen belly and it breaks his heart. He lost a child and I can not understand the pain he is going through. My selfish side says, "Hey, be glad you did not have a child with another woman, now we can have one. Be happy the other woman took care of the situation." But, my heart knows those feelings are wrong. While the circumstances that led to the making of the child were wrong, the child was innocent. My husband hurts for his child. He told me he hoped his family in heaven could not see what he had done, how he had messed up. Then he said, "But maybe they are holding my baby."

I love my husband more than anything. While his selfishness may have started this whole thing, everyday after, his has put everyone else first. He is trying with all he has to make things right, but then I go and cry uncontrollably, saying things like, "Whe can't make it, It's too hard, We are too different, I will never be able to comfort you and give you what you need."

I know this post is long, but thank you for reading it. I could really use some advice and encouragement. I believe we want to save our marriage, but we are both feeling so much pain.

Please pray that I will release the anger I have inside. I think sometime I am more angry at God for allowing all these things to transpire. I know being angry at God is the wrong way to feel, but I am. How could he let this happen to us? All we ever wanted to do was what was right in his eyes. I feel like Job, but Job was stong in that he never, not even once, cursed God. I need that strength.

Thank you again.

I will tell you the anger you feel is pretty natural. But God had nothing to do w/ his cheating. God had nothing to do w/ her giving up this child. It to me was out of his control anyway. Everything happens for a reason and most of the time we are left standing there wondering WHY/HOW??
The biggest thing to me is that you and your H are going to have to get into MC/IC. You for the anger, even though natural to feel the anger, its unnatural to not to want to get over it or take the steps you need to inorder to get over it. your H sounds like he has so much guilt built up he too needs to get though it and get over it. I mean you pretty much waited and tried to prepare yourselves for having children and now him living w/ guilt, he can't now? And where does that leave you? Feeling angry. I think your M can make it though all of this, and yes sometimes it just feels over whelming, but DON't try to go this alone. you need help w/ sorting though all of your feelings and I think the best thing you can do for your M is to start w/ a MC.
Sunny D

Thank you for your reply - MC is probably something we really need to look into.

Most every situation I read about affairs and people working through them invlove children. Most people want to save their marriage to protect their children. We don't have children. I like to think that God wants us to have an extremely strong marriage before we have kids, but I'm not sure anymore.

Saving a M for the children is not right in my book. Saving my M and making it what God intended it to be, now that would be something to stive for!! You have to get your feelings out and over with. You have to look and search inside yourself for what you want out of this M. I too always said "if my H cheated, I'd be long gone" I've learned never say never. It's good that you are reading here and talking to people that have been though the same ordeal. There are alot of people here that have made it though and never thought they could at first, but look at them now. Find out what you want and where you want your life to be and start w/a IC/MC. Hugs hunny and we are here for you.
Sunny D

Thank you Sunny D for your support. I really needed that hug this morning!

My husband and I both want a good, strong marriage. I guess we both sometimes think that things are so messed up right now, we would be better off starting over with someone else. I don't want that at all, but sometimes it feels as though it would ease the pain for both of us.

Deep down I know I have to find the strength to get through this. With God, all things are possible!

Thank you again for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. They really help!

God bless you!