I have recently confessed a series of lies to my wife that have encompassed the last 8 years. These lies primarily focused on money issues. This deceit has led to my wfie and I being virtually financially ruined. We have two children, and she feels that she must take them and move away. What can I do? I feel so badly about lying, and I want her forgiveness, so we can move on with our lives.

Hello! welcome to MB'ers.

I don't know of any way to 'make' someone else do anything - not legally anyway. There is an uderlying theme to MB'ers: you can only change one person - yourself. And when you change yourself (and how you act & react in your relationship) you will change your relationship. I don't know if it is too late for your wife - 8 years of deceit is a long time for her - but that should not stop you from being honest (in every aspect of your relationship) from this moment on.

And don't bother telling here that you are going to change - just do it! (words are cheap, it is actions that will let her know you have changed)

Hi Jake23,

Your post was brief. Is your wife angry about the lying or about the money? I've never heard of a wife moving away with children because her husband lied unless Adultery was involved. If you have financial problems it seems like separation and divorce could only make them worse. Does your wife work?

Why did you lie? To protect her? To protect yourself? Why did she give you complete control of your joint finances? If my husband did this to me I would have to take on some of the responsibility for not looking after my own interests.

For example, lets say my husband and I were going to purchase a family home but he showed no interest in the process and left it all up to me. If the house turned out to be a bad investment and he said he was leaving with our kids because I made bad choices--well let's just say he'd be leaving without the kids.

Money is only money is only money. My husband and I entered into financial ruin because our son was dying from a morbid disease. I would spend that money a thousand times over to get him back.

I think you should calm down, take a deep breath and give your wife some time--it should take about three weeks--if it's about the money, she just needs some time to grieve its loss.

You've come clean, you've apologized--it shouldn't be the end of the world. People make mistakes. Again--it's only money. To move children away is a much more serious ethical breech as far as I'm concerned.

Good luck and enjoy the ride!

Thanks for the response. My wife seems just as angry about the money as she is about the lying. I wish she would only look at it as if it were "just money".

Wishing it were different in order to assuage your own culpability isn't going to accomplish what you want.

How she feels is how she feels, you don't get to judge the feeling.

Trust has been violated, respect lost. Those things take time to rebuild. There's productive ways to rebuild trust, and there are unproductive ways that just "tread water".

Frankly, I don't find it surprising she's just as upset about the money as the lying, she's been robbed (literally) of opportunities, will have to deal with the financial debacle that results, so it's not like stopping the lying will make everything all better. There's still consequences for choices.

What is the normal process for this? I mean, how long until she will come around? Will she come around? I've been in counseling with our Sunday School leader, and he feels that I should immediately take time off from work and drive to her (she has taken the kids to her family's house, about 16 hours away). Is this a good idea? I don't want to drag her back kicking and screaming. I mean, I want her to WANT to come back. I feel that by trying to "make" her come back, I am only putting her into the same situation that she left. I know that I have things to work on personally. If she comes back now, will she be ready to work on them WITH me? Or should I wait until I have myself in order before begging for her to come back? I'm so confused, and I miss my wife and my kids. Anybody have any advice?

You need to fix the problem first.

She needs access to your entire financial situation. Your checking account, your credit card bills.

In order for her to begin to trust she needs full access.

My wife has now closed our checking account, and has turned off our home phone. She is making plans to get a job in New York, and begin a new life with our two children. She plans to come down and pick up the furniture she needs, and then move the children (and herself) back to New York. What should I do? Please, anyone with any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Do I have to get a lawyer? I just want our family back together again. I understand that I have screwed up, and I need to change. But she is not taking the time necessary to allow that change. Can one be independent of the other?

I think I would take this over to GQ, it sounds more like their area of expertise and has a lot more traffic than this specific forum.