I've been posting and reading on this site for nearly a year. I am five years into an on again/off again recovery and I consider my marriage to be pretty solid considering what we've been through.

But, it's been FIVE YEARS. There is still hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness about what happened. Our marriage is not the same "happy, loving" union it was BEFORE the infidelity. I have never felt "safe" with my H the way I did before. Yes, we have excellent days, yes we're very close to one another - we have to be because we are not trustworthy enough (in eachother's eyes) to leave out any details about our personal and private lives.

Is this the way a relationship should be?

I read posts from other members, with similar or longer recovery times and the story is the same. Still dealing with the intimacy/emotional/sexual issues caused by the affair.

I'm frustrated because I'm still pondering divorce.

I love my husband. He's been pretty good to me since the end of Plan B. I know he loves me. But I don't feel secure, despite all of his efforts to help me feel safe - and I know he doesn't either (he still checks my cell phone every night and stops by my office unexpectedly to make sure I am where I said I was). I check up on him, too. It's like we're both waiting for the other shoe to drop.

How can we continue on like this?

Why do YOU stay?

And is there anyone out there who feels about their relationship the way they did before the infidelity? (Happy, secure, safe, trusting, independent.....etc)

aVictim ~

From looking at your signature, its not 5 years. Recovery starts from honest to goodness NC. If your affair ended on his DD and his was over...it's only 2+. And with an OC in the mix...there isn't real NC is there? That makes recovery even more challenging.

With both of you cheating, you both have done a lot of damage to your marriage. Have you had any professional help?

I don't think divorce is your answer. I suspect that perhaps there's stuff going on in your marriage that is hindering recovery.

I have followed your sitch somewhat on the pg/oc board. We have A's on both sides in our M as well. I think at this point you need to drop the IDEA of divorce. If you constantly have it at the back of your mind then you are not moving forward with your healing IMHO. I did file for D and we were 90 % done with it when my FWH realized what he was losing. I never wanted a D but he would not stop C with OW#3 until I did file. We are doing better than we have in years. Yes, there is a lot of pain and scars but the love and respect is coming back for us both. We are more open than before though he still owes me some details from the last A. Insecurities? You betcha...I don't know that I will ever stop looking over my shoulder or questioning him. That may just be our new reality. I respect the changes he has made and I have become a much better W as well. I do believe you can do it if you both want to. Do you have C with OC? How do you deal with OW?

I agree, your recovery hasn't been 5 yrs.
R can't happen till it's all over.

Have you or your FW been having a lot of triggers lately?
When I feel down and out, that's usually why. Yesterday, my FWH had a disturbed, not to thrilled look on his face, and he said that OW entered his mind along with bothered, disturbed feelings. I think he triggered, I don't know what did it, but yesterday was somber. We both triggered. Which is more and more rare for us.

Our new kitty has been helping lately.