Hi all,

I'm totally new to this board. I read His Needs, Her Needs and very much enjoyed it.

I have been married for about 1.5 years and inside I've been really struggling with an issue that is very tough to find any resources on.

My wife wasn't brought up in a Christian family, and as a result slept with a few guys before we were married. She is a Christian now, and very serious about it at that. She seems to genuinely want to meet my needs, at least as far as I can understand. As a guy, it's really tough for me to figure out specific things that make me feel good. And what I can't understand, makes it hard to communicate.

Anyhow, after the honeymoon phase wore off, I began to deal with depression and anxiety. But sometimes I still feel depressed deep down. I sometimes wonder if it's a result of her sleeping with others before we were married.

I've been able to be honest, and let her know that her past can still be an issue for me. And that inside, I have forgiven her, but that there will be a scar for quite some time. And she seems to understand that. She's really a wonderful girl.

Anyhow, the long and short of it is, are there any good resources for dealing with a spouse sleeping with others before marriage, while the other saves him/herself for the other? If not, does anyone have any good advice for me? I know this situation won't carry the same weight as a full out affair, but it still can sure be painful.

I'm not sure I'm the one to comment on this, given my current situation, but my wife is the only woman I have ever been with. She had been with others before me, and we did not wait for marriage. I basically had to make a decision when we were married and let the past go. It got very easy with time.

Your situation has nothing that resembles an affair. Your wife is married to YOU. Her past is just that. THE PAST. You should be happy that she was honest enough to tell you about it. You must not concern yourself with it anymore. It is the present that we have to focus on.

Confuzzled-

It is nice that you saved yourself for marriage, but humans aren't infallable....and if she wasn't christian before you met her, then she couldn't really practice what she knew nothing about.

We all have pasts, and you doing the right thing by saving yourself for marriage is admirable, but you have to let your wife's past go.........God has.

-Caren

Yeah. I guess I know this all in theory, but it's tough to make it real action.

I think I should maybe be a little more descriptive when it comes to talking about what I go through (like I said, I have a tough time saying what I really feel).

When we first got married, I had huge problems with dwelling on her past, and imagining her with other guys. I knew that this needed to stop, and that I needed to suck it up and just give it to God. And I did, and those horrible thoughts go away more and more every day (they're nearly totally gone these days).

But what I've noticed, is that I'm abnormally negative when it comes to her. And I'm generally a very easy going guy. For example, she cracks a joke. Normally, I'd laugh my head off (I laugh real easy), but with her...nothing. And then I find myself laughing when she's out of the room. Or if we're joking around with each other, kinda throwing little fun jabs, something triggers me taking it seriously, and I spend the next hour talking myself out of acting like a little child.

I've been working really hard on changing that, and it's been a ride and half for me. And I've tried to be real open and honest with those things. But I guess it just seems like I spin my tires.

So I was thinking today, "I wonder if maybe it has to do with some feelings regarding her past that aren't dealt with."

That's kind of where I'm coming from, I'm sorry if I gave you guys the wrong impression from the start.

Confused...I can understand your dilemna but what can be done to change anything? She asked for forgiveness and the Bible tells us that when Jesus died for our sins it wasn't a covering of those sins as with the sacrifices when we were under the law, but those sins were washed completely clean. Now, Jesus is our example and since he has forgiven you wife her sins as well as your sins, how can you still hold it against her? I'm assuming you knew this before marriage and took your vows with that knowledge.

I would suggest Christian counseling. There you'll be able to sort out the questions that you have and better develop a sexual relationship that God gave us to enjoy within the bounds of marriage.

You're blessed to have found a Godly wife.

Hi Confuzzled...
Sorry, this isnt a unique topic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

There was a HUGE thread on this topic, earlier this year?? Late last year?

Change the title of this thread to something like 'Problem Wife's past sexual history' and maybe one of the people from the other thread can point you in the right direction, or comment.

I'll tell you what, though... I'm reading a great book on worrying... which is what you're doing. The book goes on and on about how worry can steal your life right away from you. RUIN your future life due to worrying about the past. Sounds dramatic, huh?

It's called 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. It was written in the 40's because he saw Worry as the #1 problem in America. It's still in print, I bought mine a few weeks ago at a Borders Books. About $7 paperback. Worth a shot??

Please take care - Dru

Confuzzled -

I too lost my virginity to my wife (now WW), and she had a sexual past...in the beginning of the relationship I used to want details of her past relationships (especially....er....size comparisons - we men are simple creatures, aren't we?) but I learned to work through that. All I can say is let the past be just that, the past. You came into her life, swept her off of her feet, and now you two are together.

Don't let the past ruin your present...or your future.


TM

Confuzzled

First, you sound like you're suffering from a fear that your W finds you boring in bed, and that she compares you to the other men she's been with.

Have you kissed other girls? Smooched and danced?

Do you think about those girls when you're smooching with your wife? I bet you don't.

Second, why did you have to 'forgive' her for her sexual past? Do you regard it as sinful? Do you see yourself as sinful for being with her?

Well, it's obvious that he regards her past as sinful....because it was (BTW....so is mine).

This sounds like a jealousy thing to me. He saved himself for marriage, so he gave his wife a precious gift....but she didn't have a comparable gift to give him.

My H obsesses about my past to this very day......and believe me neither one of us saved ourselves....I'm not sure what that's all about, I don't obsess about his past...I don't care about who he was with or why before he met me.

Confuzzled...........listen to what I am saying....you need to work through this, you need to get over this problem, because it sounds like you are shutting her out, and that is going to cause HUGE problems later on.......you are going to worry yourself right into a divorce.

Get counseling!

-Caren

confuzzled,

As a Christian man, what exactly attracted you to a non-Christian woman that has previously been with other men/boys? Surely, you didn't meet her at the Sunday Social.

You stated that you 'saved yourself' for marriage. Are you perhaps feeling a bit cheated that your wife did not choose the same path?

You each made your choices.


I don't understand this statement. Forgive her for what? How can her actions prior to having a relationship with you cause a scar to you? It sounds like you are allowing this matter to eat you up inside...but worse, you are taking it out on your wife.

You are responsible for your own feelings. Your wife cannot change her past to suit you. Nor can she do anything to cause you to get past your pain. It's your issue.

I agree that maybe some Christian counsel might be in order.

Confuzzled,

My grandparents were very, very Catholic. In their minds, it would have been an impossibility that any of their children (or themselves) would have sex before M. They consider sex as a "necessary evil" to create children, and any lustful thoughts as "sinful".

In my opinion (sorry if I offend anyone with it) this is a very rigid view on life. God would be quite sadistic to make humans with such a strong sexual nature, and then doom us as sinners when we act upon this (natural!) sexuality.

I think God rejoices in everyone who rises above his or her instinctive needs and puts LOVE first. Pointing the finger at others for their "sins" has nothing to do with love.