don't worry about getting it traced back to you. its not your problem they're in trouble. they did it to themselves.

PS. Sorry for all the posts, I was typing and was distracted and ya'lls were posting away in the meantime.

Hon, the best way to handle this is head on. You have no reason to sneak around and hide, you have done nothing wrong. Your H and the OW have done something wrong, not you. You don't have to hide. You should hold your head high.

He needs to know who you are so you he will know who to call if he has other questions. It will also be important that you stay in touch in order to ensure the affair does not resume.

When your H finds out you have busted him and his sleazy OW, he will be furious. When he confronts you, you simply tell him that you are sorry he is mad, but you will do what it takes to save your marriage and ensure the affair doesn't resume. You don't react to his anger, you don't cower, you don't argue, you calmly explain this him and then leave the room if he keeps on.

I'm just so scared- I want to believe that it happened once and won't again-I'm also afraid that if I do tell him- He will kick her out and then where will she go -crying over here to him- and then I'm evil for telling-and have to actually watch him try and comfort her- and them go riding off into the sunset-

And just remember, as long as the affair is kept secret it CAN resume. So, it is not in your best interest - or your children's - to help them keep their dirty secret. You are contributing to your own demise by doing that.

here's a proverb that helped me during this time:

"He who rebukes a man in the end will gain more favor, than he who has a flattering tongue." Prov 28:23

and a psalm

"When I called you, you answered me: you mde me bold and stouthearted" Psalm 138:3

If you start to pray and open your bible you may be suprised with how God will send you comfort just at the right time.

I understand you are scared, we all were. Until after we did it. Then we were RELIEVED because it killed off the affair and any chance of resumption.

But you are scared of the WRONG THING. You should be scared of what will happen if you DON'T TELL. Because the affair CAN resume as long as you help them keep their secret.

And of course they will think you are evil; you are interfering in their AFFAIR. You are busting up a good thing. You are not busting them to win a popularity contest, you are busting them to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

Don't be scared, and don't believe that trash. Its a lie and you are going into denial. And, you don't have to allow her onto your property! its your property. if you think it may happen just be prepared and have a plan so you can act calmly. Make it know you won't put up with it, and tell your husband calmly if he is going to comfort her he will not do it in your home.

melody, how am I doing?

Listen to Melody, she's very helpful to get your attention to the truth and to stay out of denial.

what i have come to understand as i read posts here and think about my own experience-


most often-
they leave to go TO SOMEONE....they stay if there is NO ONE TO GO TO!

he might be angry but if her husband finds out and helps put a stop to this-yourhusband will be more likely to stay since he will not have someone to leave and run to.

it's harder to go and be alone.

Let me give you an analogy, rs. Exposure is the missile that sinks the Titanic. [Affair Ship] Now, sometimes the infidels run to the engine room to try futilely and save the ship, but they quickly realize that it can't be saved. Reality is forced upon them and they quickly abandon ship. Once the ship goes down they can NEVER SEE each other again because the affair is dead. [the ship is sunk]

Now, do you not fire the missile that kills the affair ship because of some last gasp contacts in the engine room before the ship goes down? Because those last gasp contacts mean nothing as long as the ship is mortally wounded.

Or do you NOT fire the missile and leave the affair ship intact in order to avoid any last minute contacts? Because as long as the affair ship is allowed to survive, the affair can always resume.

Listen to melody, she knows what she's talking about.

You need to tell that woman's husband, don't worry about what he'll do after that, he's most likely not going to *kill* anyone, if they were afraid of that, I doubt his wife would have ever strayed. But it is a death nail in the affair's coffin, even if you think it was only one night.....if they'll do it one night.......well, you know where I'm going with this.

Exposure will make it uncomfortable for them both, that's what we're aiming for. Her husband is going to be mad, obviously, tell him everything you know, and let him know that you ARE moving.

Your husband is going to be mad also.......when I exposed my husband was LIVID, he said he hated me, he never wanted to talk to me again....etc. but guess what? He was back and having SF with me within the week. And we were separated at the time. It is an essential part of the marriage builders plan. My H's affair didn't totally die right away, but it made them VERY uncomfortable.

Don't be afraid that this will push him over the edge and he'll leave, Mel is right, you need to be scared what will happen if you DON'T.

You also need to think of the OW's H, he's in the dark in all of this, he has the right to know. He may even say he wants a divorce at first....but that's okay, you are injecting reality into their fantasty world, and it will send the affair plummeting to it's death.

-Caren

Ok- Ok- you guys are persistant- and I thank you-
My H is home and around so I can't be on here for a while-I will VERY SERIOUSLY THINK on this subject- I do want to tell if for no other reason than to be hateful-and vengeful- I know thats not very Christian- but its how I feel- I have a done a lot of praying-I am worried that I am even doing the wrong thing by waiting to see if we can work it out, maybe he should leave and see how much fun it is to do his own laundry and cooking and cleaning and having no one to talk to and not being able to play with his children whenever he feels like it, etc-
I have also noticed over the past few days- I haven't seen my neighbor out very much-I hope she's feeling guilty and scared -
I have been recently told -well today by one of his family members that I need to do what is best for me- and have a backbone- and make some of my own decisions-(he thinks I'm incapable of that)and inject some reality into this situation-if for no other reason than to keep this from dragging on forever- Sh** or get off the pot-so to speak-
I'll be back later- again I Thank everyone of ya'll

rsbw, please do what is best for you, AND your children and your MARRIAGE. That is what God wants. God HATES divorce. That is why I am telling you to do this. What we are telling you increases the odds of the affair ending and your marriage surviving. We are not telling you to do this to be vindictive, that is not the purpose. It would be worse than vindictive to not tell the OWH, it would be cruel and immoral.

I think it would be a huge mistake to throw your H out. You cannot work on your marriage if he is not there. Throwing him might feel good for a second, but it won't do a damn thing to help your marriage. And it will greatly upset your children.

The reason we are persistent in urging you to tell the OW's husband is because we KNOW it will help ensure this affair ends. It is the best thing for your marriage. It is also the DECENT and MORAL thing to warn someone they are being victimized behind their back. He has a RIGHT to know he is being betrayed so he can protect himself from your H and his W. He needs to know he cannot trust your H or his W.

How long did it take you to really recover-and how long before he actually seemed to genuinely feel remorse- I realize everyone's situation is different- but they all sound so similar also-
I know I'm new to this- but I can't help wondering if it is all worth the trouble- YES- I don't want to lose him-and I want him to be there for the boys-but I just keep thinking about what a jerk ,etc. he is and how my poor boys don't even know what kind of man their father is-
My husband's biggest problem with our boys is if they ever lie-I mean he gets so upset- not violent or anything just really stresses the point that you never ever lie- even if it will get you in trouble- the truth is always better- so Hello Mr. Hypocrit- well I guess he did fess up eventually-I am sure deep down he disgusts himself- and me too- but here's the bad part I want to keep him but does that make me one of those abused wives who just doesn't see her own black eye- I have been made a complete fool of-
All of my family with the exception of my father- in-law wants us to work things- they want my husband to snap out of it- so I will try for a while- I just don't know how ya'll have done this-it hurts so bad-
I will tell the other sucker-soon- but not yet- we leave for vacation day after tom- I don't want to do it before- because if this is our last family trip I at least want it to be as good as possible-and not have my H pouting or mad -we will be gone 6 days- 10 hrs in the car both ways- I can't do the silent treatment that long in that close quarters- and he's real good at that when mad-
Actually today my old husband was back- he's actually been really great and I don't mean trying to kiss up to me or anything- just everything felt normal- but I keep looking around my house or hearing a song on the radio- or seeing pictures of us on family vacations- and I think does he really want to give all of this up-why- who could want to do that-
I just don't understand it- why- how- where are the morals-
I KNOW no one is perfect - but I had NO CLUE- even now when I think back- there were signs but me being the trusting soul I am-clueless-
R

PS- I don't want to offend anyone re: my comment about abused wives- I want to apologize if I have-

Could you give me any scriptures re: marriage -

rsbw, there is a huge difference between an abused wife who tolerates mistreatment and a spouse that forgives bad behavior. Just so you know, most marriages do not end over adultery. It is very possible to recover from this and end up with a marriage that is better than before.

But, you have to be willing to do the footwork. And that includes: doing everything to end the affair, ie: telling the OWH and then working on what happened with your H that led to this affair. If that is not addressed and resolved, it can happen again.

You could check your Bible. Or check www.biblegateway.com.

Hi. its me again. The way I have found the most comfort is was to begin to ask God to search my heart so I can address things I didn't know about (my story is I am coming out of depression and had a lot to reconcile) So, then I began to pray and read my bible and I received so much comfort that way. I can share some comforting ones if you'd like but the best way is to ask God and search and expect he will answer you.

Matt 28:20b, Matt 6:34, Prov 28:23, 2Cor 4:2

anti-anxiety verse Phillipians 4:6,7

Great psalms: 3, 6, 13, 23, 28, 40, 41, 55,56, 71, 91, 138,142, 145, 147

There are 31 proverbs, I read one per day, the one that is today's date. There is usually something every day that is helpful.

As for marriage, adultery, and divorce: Check Matthew 5:27-32

Other marriage verses: 1 cor 7 the chapter
Eph 5:22-33 Read especially verse 33 and try not to focus on his sins

there is some in Titus 2 and 1 Peter 3:1-7

You have to balance all these verses with the big picture of how God wants us to live as his believers. Its dangerous to start taking out portions and not applying other portions. We are to love our enemies and pray for them, be humble, not take revenge, get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger...etc.

Take care

Everyone
Thank you for your support and advice-I've come to a conclusion that my H is deep in the Fog-and spewing all kinds of craziness-but yet he seems very sorry and upset by what he's done-maybe the light is getting brighter-on the other hand he also thinks he is right in making himself happy at our expense-I guess I've just got to wait it out-
I know I sound optimistic-and yesterday I was very depressed and hurt- but you know right now I'm going to take care of me and my children - and if he benefits from my patience that will be great-I'm not giving up- not in the least- I'm just tired of being miserable and I have decided to be happy again-if it kills me- I can either laugh or cry- I'm choosing laughter right now- I'll probably cry again later but I'll deal with that then-
We're off on our trip tommorrow -wish me luck-it's going to be a fun trip -I think- we're both ready to leave this stress for a little while-
My house goes on the market as soon as we return- at least I won't live across from the OW now- YEA !!
Keep us in your prayers-
Thanks- hopeful rsbw

Alright now I've really screwed up-
We are on vacation and yesterday in car I casually asked if there were any phone numbers he needed to delete from his cell phone-yes I already knew but was hoping that he just hadn't thought about it yet-Of course H says yes-and from there it gets worse H doesn't want to get rid of #- its a control issue for him- he needs to see if he can control himself-he already knows the # by heart-
I say if for nothing other than Good Faith-delete it- we are supposed to be working on us and you agreed to no contact -so delete it-H says no-
Later I ask to use his phone to call my parents-he gives it to me after he unlocks it- he's never locked me out of it before- I said so now I don't get to check your cell because you know I do- H says I don't want you messing with it-this leads to further conversation-
I KNOW I SHOULD KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT-I can't- any little thing gets me thinking-especially being in a car for 9 hrs- and I get upset and I blurt things out- his theory is he was in pain -so lets make everyone miserable- I want to do it too-
Basically- I told him I think he's going to leave asap when we return- I don't think he is even here emotionally- he says he's trying - how ,I don't know-and he said but I do want to leave- and your pushing me away faster- leave me alone- and oh- before wasn't enough sex- well now its too much-he likes my touch but doesn't want anything else-because its not sincere- in reality he says sex is the only thing we have left and he does not want it-he needs to think-
My problems can't have been corrected overnight- I'm not sincere- it's all a show- blah blah-
He needs to be heard and if he wants to be left alone then just leave him alone-he wants to feel appreciated,that I am genuinely interested in what he has to say and how he feels and what he thinks-and then he'll know he's loved and we aren't connected right now- according to him never were and never will be- and he has to be connected to be happy- Wah Wah Wah-
Yes I am mad again-I told him I was willingly to try and work on those issues if he was willing to stay and work on us- but I will not beg- and I also told him I do love him-enough to let him go if that is what will make him happy- and to prove I love him he needs to think on this- when a spouse finds an emotional connection with someone else- then cheats with that person and tells his spouse-and her world is then chaos-if she doesn't love him she says ok- see ya later-because that would be quicker and easier than staying and trying to work on things like she would do if she did love him-he says I have no proof that I really care about him and his feelings-the proof is that I am still here-
I have no doubts in my mind that within a year I could be seriously seeing someone else if it all comes down to that and his idea of a friendly divorce -where he can see his boys anytime and if I need something fixed he'll be there-won't be a possibility-because I don't want to only be his friend - I want it all- I know I should keep my mouth shut- but that is my biggest problem I know when to shut up I just can't-

Have I just royally screwed myself ?