rsbw, after reading your last post it seems you have to ‘back off’ a bit.

A wonderful person Suzet* on MB wrote me about the 180 degree list.

It seems your H maybe having second thoughts, let him…don’t start pursuing him yet. Maybe he wants to chase you? So back off and allow him time to read those articles and even my childhood story.

I don’t know, but I think it might be a good idea for you to practice some of the guidelines on this 180 degree list for a while (just click on the link). This is just a suggestion.

I don’t want to give you wrong advice, so hopefully others will jump in soon to give their opinions on this as well.

Hey everyone- I'm just as confused as ever- Every day I think we are closer to a divorce- and he is closer to marrying the OW- I am so afraid I'll have to deal with her forever- The OWH is so devasatated by all of this he calls me crying that he wants her back-and I told him I want mine back too- I told him a few things I knew of that bothered her about him- like lack of communication and his spending habits- and that if he would just openly talk to her about everything- she has always said that there is a small place in her heart that wishes he would change and treat her properly and that she will always love him- right now though its only a very small amount-
According to OWH- she is very confused right now and isn't sure what she wants- but I think my husband is also confused but he knows he wants her-
The OWH said we both need to back off and give them time to think- I don't know if I can do that much longer- my H said if I found someone to date then I should because if I can be happy then I shouldn't wait for him-he wants me to go out of town this weekend with some girls I work with- but its one of those what happens there stays there trips- and in the State I am in right now- something would definitly happen- and then I would feel awful about myself- is this just his trying to remove some of the guilt from himself- and he keeps saying if we're meant to be together in the end we will be- this may just be some huge test- SURE

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ME????????????????????????????
I am so miserable right now-I don't want to do anything except stay in bed and cry- but I need affection and caring and love too- and I'm not getting it from him(I get it from my friends , parents, and kids- but we all know thats not the same)- I almost feel like I should date someone- I actually even have a prospect now if I wanted one- but then I'd be cheating-and even worse he wouldn't care because he wants me to be happy too- just not with him-I can't even make him jealous-do you know how sad that makes me- I can't make my H jealous because he doesn't care enough to get jealous

What do I do now? -

rsbw, first off, I would calm down. Your marriage is far from over if you do the right things. Sure, you have a huge problem, but is certainly FAR from hopeless. Do you want us to help you save your marriage?

Did the OWH move out? Can you bring him here?

Yes- Please help- the OWH moved out to another state with his family- I don't know if I can get him to this website or not-he's mad at me now too- because I let it slip that the EA was actually PA- I thought he knew- he thinks I just told him that to talk bad about his wife- whatever-
She's mad at me also because I've been spreading rumors about her- I told my next door neighbors because we all hung out together and it was just a matter of time before they knew- and I told both of my sons teachers that their father moved out- nothing else- and my youngest son told one of his friends and their family the day my H left- he was devastated and started to cry at their house- the childs dad talked to me today and asked who the OW was- actually he asked if the OW was so and so-
Now- I'm the evil gossip monger-
We met with MC today and my H mainly talked about how to handle money issues when we divorced- after I called the MC and asked what to do - I'm not ready for a divorce- she said this has only been going on 7 wks-no one is ready for a divorce-try and wait it out-she thinks this will die out soon-after I spoke with her on phone-my H calls he needs to pick up some clothes and then starts asking about the new house we were to buy-and if we can afford it- and if I really need that much space- since he won't be there now-
I don't know about you guys but this sounds pretty final to me- then he says I just don't see us getting back together with everything that's happened- the trust issues- your family-etc-so I asked if he was really ready to give up 15 yrs overnight- and he was at work and said he could n't talk anymore- so I said bye and hungup-

I don't think I have a snowballs chance in ****** of this ever working out and I don't now how to function anymore-

rsbw, he is not saying anything we don't hear on this forum every day. You should pay it no mind. Stop saying you don't have a chance when you do. You are taking seriously the fogged out babble of an addicted WS in the throes of a fantasy affair. Stop it. Would you take seriously the oaths of a falling down drunk? Well, that is what you are doing. I have seen 10X WORSE than your situation reconcile in a happy marriage.

And why would you give a damn if the OW is mad at you? Please, let's have some perspective here. You should tell everyone about her affair who is involved in your lives. If she wants to hide it, well boo hoo, it is not up to you to keep her nasty secrets. You shouldn't help her hide the fact that she wants to destroy your family because that only ENABLES HER.

Here is what you should focus on right now:

1. calming down - you will not make it if you don't get control of your emotions and lay out a clear concise plan. Your biggest enemy is your emotions

2. secure your finances

3. focus on avoiding lovebusters, no crying, begging, pleading, whining.

4. begin a program of attraction - with every interaction ask yourself if you would want to be with you if you were him. Do you look better or worse than the OW?

5. Expose to all family members on both sides, EVEN her family, any other close influential friends.

You should never ever help them hide their affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure kills them.

What does she do for a living?

Can you get ahold of the OWH?

Well exposure has definitly been accomplished- I have secured the finances- as far as looks- Im 5'6 ,125 lb, 34D, size 4, with big brown eyes, and everyone says I should have NO PROBLEM finding a replacement- she's a little shorter, has a larger behind and a smaller chest- somewhat attractive-5 yrs younger but she loves the outdoors whereas I could take it or leave it- but he loves the outdoors also- Oh- he says looks aren't what matters it's the connection in their hearts- If I ever got a little flabby he let me know- but since she is very physical outdoors-I guess the T& A sizes don't matter as much- and I guess the grass smell turns him on-he has even told other people that I am better looking than she is-go figure-
Stay at home mom- just like me -actually I am a part time hair stylist too and occcasionally she substitute teaches at the boys school
As far as Love busters- I am trying very hard to be as normal and nonchalant about everything- almost cold even- not mean just not really interested -I don't want to beg or be pathetic- I know I am above that well- I keep telling myself that- who would want someone that would beg-
I keep thinking I should find someone to date- but I wish I knew if it would bother him at all- that's the problem- it probably wouldn't

Don't even think about dating if you want to save your marriage. You are MARRIED. If it's wrong for him to have an affair, its wrong for you to have one. So unless you want to ruin your chances AND be just as immoral as he is being, don't even think about it. You can't save your marriage if you are going to drag new people into it, nor is that fair to the other person. Do you think your kids need TWO PARENTS catting around? Good grief, you have to be their ROCK right now, rsbw. You are all they have.

Please throw that idea right out the window!

rsbw....chin up. Calm down (hard to do) why don't you try a ladies group at a church or something.

Read: "how to win back your husband before its too late"

and listen to the older members. I'm still on the coaster and screaming to get off...but I do have peace most days and a good support system, and a goal and I'm working out the plan as I go.

You can do it too, but give yourself a bit of time.

take that and use it to your benefit to WIN BACK YOUR HUSBAND.

the worse you act, the better she looks. just remember that.

It doesn't seem fair but hey, I signed on the life plan and I'm going to go to the end as far as I can go.

If you got married, its for life as well. You get a replacement you will have the same set of problems with a different pair of pants in the house.

I know- I don't want another man- I 'm just throwing around ideas- I'm scared - her H has moved out and my H has moved out- so there is nothing to stop them now-it's just all of this money talk makes everything seem so final- I want this to be a really bad dream and tom I'll wake up and everything is normal again- I know he keeps talking to her every day- that just kills me- every time he says I love you but I'm not in love with you or I can't love you the way you need to be loved- I want to scream- How does everything get so [censored] so fast- and how can it be reversed?

I am so scared- I need some advice-

rsbw, here is your advice:

Here is what you should focus on right now:

1. calming down - you will not make it if you don't get control of your emotions and lay out a clear concise plan. Your biggest enemy is your emotions

2. secure your finances

3. focus on avoiding lovebusters, no crying, begging, pleading, whining.

4. begin a program of attraction - with every interaction ask yourself if you would want to be with you if you were him. Do you look better or worse than the OW?

5. Expose to all family members on both sides, EVEN her family, any other close influential friends.

rsbw,

I can personally feel your pain in your writing and I suggest you keep writing. You have many great new friends at MB that all want to help.

My WS has told me that our problems are unique, heck the more I read and talk to my friends, I find out we are not so unique. Sure many aspects are unique but so are people, we are very fortunate to have this group and the great people here that want to help. They take the time to help us, because they lived it and know our PAIN!

If you want some additional reading material email me, I have complied a lot of it!

So, Keep reading, Keep writing!

Thanks you guys-
It gets even bettre- this morning he came over to see the boys before school and to do some more painting - he's going out of town later this morning- he's going to a management stress training seminar-where they treat you very badly- I hope he has fun-
Anyway- I asked him if now I should be looking for a smaller house with less of a payment- and he says maybe so- or when we sell this one- I'm already staying at my Dad's rent free- maybe you can stay with your parents-WHAT THE ****** IS HE THINKING- he originally was worried about moving the kids to a new school- now he wants me to temporarily move in with my folks- start them in a new school- then when he can find a house he can afford- move again- and start another new school-
Will anything ever sink into his brain that he is messing everyone's life up completely-Of course my folks say you don't have to sign divorce papers and you don't have to move yet- or maybe ever if you don't want to-
Now- he is concerned and thinking about money- because the kids get one third of his mthly salary and I will get something too- I really only wanted a house and my car paid for-and all of our debt gone- I believe I could handle the rest- albeit I'll have to get a full-time job something I haven't done in 10 yrs-
How does this happen so fast- this all started 7-3-05 and today is 8-24 7 weeks of pure ******- and I believe if it was up to him- we'd be divorced next week- so he can move in with OW-in the house her H is paying for-

I want him back -the old normal him- not this new unimproved version- I want lightning to strike or something-
I know I don't need the ****** but I chose him a long time ago and I'm not giving up without a fight-I know he loved me at some point-but on the other hand- maybe he's doing the best he can- and if that's his best than I'm on to something new- I would really like some adult affection right about now-

Help-

rsbw,

We all love you and are rooting for you! Keep writing us…

Write your BIO and your story, when I did it, it gave me something to do and it helped out my friends here at MB to know my background. If you need any help with the HTML tags let me know.

The story of rsbw

Well- I met my H 15 yrs ago-thru a mutual friend- he was dating her- she was a big cheater-and I asked him what was he doing dating her- I knew her very well- and he didn't seem to be her type- he looked at me kind of funny- I told him that he seemed to be a really nice guy- and she doesn't usually go for that type- Fast forward about 6 mths-
the guy I had been dating( during the meeting of my H) had been caught cheating on me- so I cut off all contact forever with him- so I had joined airforce in June- by about Dec- I still had not shipped out for basic training- my H walked into where I worked- we chatted-I was waiting for this other girl to get off work -were going to see a movie -MISERY-how ironic- and we asked if he wanted to come too-I didn't want to be rude-at the time I didn't realize that I was asking him out- I have never done that before-
Sparks fly- and we were inseperable - I did not go into service- we dated for 2 yrs- then he proposed- we married about 4 mths later- we had the perfect marriage- oh we fought and what not- but not about anything serious-sometimes I think we fought to make up- he loves the outdoors and is a workaholic perfectionist- I prefer to be inside unless the temp is around 75-but I'm not a hermit-
I also am a perfectionist- but not a workaholic- if I never worked another day in my life that would be ok- but I do work- I also raise 2 boys-everyone thought we were great together- there was never any derogatory comments from either of us when we were alone with friends complaining about their spouses- we were happy- people asked us for advice-we have a nice house in a nice neighborhood- my husband has a very good job- he works very hard- when the boys were little he worked 2 jobs so I could stay home with them-we have 2 great kids-everything was great- so 2 children and 13 yrs later- Chaos- he has an EA out of the blue with one of OUR friends who lives across the street- it happened right under my nose-it felt weird to me but if I said anything he just kept saying we're all friends- we're just hanging out talking-why didn't he want to talk to me-apparently they connected emotionally-she still spoke with me though sort of counseled me re: him and his issues-1 wk later he fessed up that he was attracted to her and had feelings for her- but she didn't have those feelings for him -she was just a friend- I told him to back away from her- he agreed but didn't-and when I demanded it - he did- but was the most miserable person alive- he only lasted a week- then they were off-2 wks later- he fesses up that they had PA- and it was over - he didn't love her- he loved me- and wanted our family and everything to work out-we started MC after the first explosion of feelings- apparently all the MC was doing was getting us to explore our feelings-
I demanded no contact whatsoever for life- he agrees- (but secretly talks to her every other day at least)
3 nights ago- I got tired of all the BS-everyone kept telling me to give him time to think things thru-I didn't realize he was in love with her and apparently- has never loved me-marrying me was a mistake- this would have happened eventually, I need someone who can give me what I deserve- he can't do that-blah-blah-blah
I know we did not have a perfect marriage I had some issues pertaining to myself- that caused me not to be as open with him sexually as I could have been- according to him he felt like we were strangers-therefore- he felt unloved, neglected, etc., and just happened to find a great friend in whom he could confide and later have sex and fall in love with-
So 3 days ago- he moved out-her H also moved out the same day- All the children my 2 and her 3 are devastated- their daddies are gone-
Now he's starting to talk of dividing property and money ,etc. A divorce is inevitable at this point-
BUT I DON"T WANT A DIVORCE- I want the man I married back-
and I want her to get back with her H so she'll leave mine alone- The day they moved I finally confronted her and all she said was that he persued her- and she backed away for 2 weeks- then felt as though maybe there was something there- and went for it-so they are madly in love- meanwhile my family is in chaos and her family is also-at this point I don't even know if I should wait any longer- he seems like he's made up his mind- our MC says wait - this will die out - WHEN?? she says he's confused and doesn't know what he wants- this is very out of character for him-everyone thinks he's lost his mind- Today my house is for sale- and I want out of here asap-away from seeing her every day-
Oh- and they are all mad at me for letting the cat out of the bag- all the kids know- they are actually talking not me- I told one person- our other friend that we hung out with-OH WELL-

So far that's the saga- the entire story is in JUST FOUND OUT

rsbw,

I'm sorry for all of the pain.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<HUG>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I still think there is hope! I know for one you want it all to end and let the pain go away, but from what I read he is going back and forth with you. Do you know why?

He still LOVES YOU...

He is confused and is wrestling with himself.

I do know that you must do a lot of reading and stick to plan A on Dr. Harley’s site.

rsbw,

Keep reading.

Ok- but what I don't understand is how it happened so fast 7 weeks ago they were friends- now they are madly in love and he wants a divorce- 7 weeks is all it took to throw away 15 years-is that typical -
rsbw-