Hi Folks, sorry to be posting again...but I really feel that I need a bit of support. Heck...I kinda lose track of all the dates and such, but as a former BS...I kinda wonder what my W is up to now. A little upadate: after finally having admitted of her affair last July...we have had 4 different returns of her to home this lone now being the longest...she moved home this Easter..and as I seem to beleive things had been fairly good, other that the lack of physical attraction to me. I have during this period pretty much have backed off on trying to have a life in my bedroom other than to hold, and snuggle and sleep great together spooning. She has given me multible promises of " I'll work on that". But still I was feeling as if things weren't too bad. Well last Sat. morning she shared with me...that though I have been great to her, see just wasn't happy. We talked thru this and she was just distant and had her 1st. meeting with a new Counselor this Monday. Well that ended kind of well...she was told she has post tramatic depression dating back from her childhood and her past marriage/relationship. The lady told her not to focus on her present marriage but to care for herself, and she does'nt need the pressure or worry of keeping me happy. She just doesn't seem the same...and naturally I'm having some of my "old" thoughts and a little lack of trust. She reminds me allot of the ways she acted during the A. Any advice...thanks.

I remember you. Any way to check up on her? BTW, this counselor sounds bad for your M if your W is telling you the truth.

I thought the same of the counselor...I could make a visit to her workplace, but I guess time will tell. I've been sticking with her since Feb.04' and I guess if she isn't wanting to stay here with me, she'll leave. Only thing different now, is I don't feel sorry for myself, but for her and her troubles. Thanks.

Sounds like the counselor skipped a few of his/her classes. The plan he has her on is short sighted and prime for another A. At least that's IMHO, of course.

You are no longer a novice BS, so here's what I w/d:

1. Sit your W down and let her know you are glad she is 'attempting to work out her issues'. You don't want to hear the clinical fancy words, just need to know by her actions and some words where she is really going.

2. Let her know that time is on your side and if she is up to her shinanigans again, you will see it anyway so why play the game again?

3. She may balk and accuse you of not trusting her and that is BABBLE.

4. So, put on your reverse babble suit again, go practice and monitor, yes monitor her actions vs words. When her anger or frustration flares up, use RB and give it back to her. Remember she is suppose t/b working through her issues and she can't if she keeps giving it to you.

BTW, her neglect of you is a strong indicator that she is still a WS of sorts. So if her heart has not changed yet, recovery can't be had. To try and force recovery in this type of stage is a setup for diaster.

5. Remind her that her progress will affect her R with you and others so you should either hear, see and feel the benefits or hear, feel and see the negative. Hearing the benefits then seeing and feeling the negative is a conflict that you will not tolerate. Thus the RB will be your tool.

Hope this helps. U definitely need a plan.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid, your'e right...I'm not new...and I have already told her to not prolong any agony, she told me she loves me, and feels secure that I'd always take care of her, but I feel like a member of her family..."that type of deep love" and that maybe the thingd that I did in leading up to the A hurt "the deep part of my love for you". Is this just more babble?

For now yea. Treat it as babble. As long as the actions, feelings and words don't match, it's babble.

This part of recovery took a long time. It can turn out either way so it is also a scary time. More scary than when the A was going on full speed. Why? Because the BS is more vulnerable and is making changes. The 2 can collide.

This is also a time where plan B, a good plan B c/b executesd with moving results (remember c/b D results) but in the long run it w/b results to benefit the BS more than the WS.

So while she is working on herself, you s/b feeling, seeing and hearing the benefits. Make sure you are and react accordingly.

It is the BS' reaction that most have problems with.

take care,
L.

Orchid, your last 2 paragraphs confuse me...how about putting them in "shop talk"...I'm a guy...please spell it out. Ha Ha.

[color:"blue"]Orchid: So while she is working on herself, you s/b feeling, seeing and hearing the benefits. Make sure you are and react accordingly.

It is the BS' reaction that most have problems with.
[/color]

These 2 paragraphs? Read the entire post again. The IC said your Xws needs to work on herself. She does. Now this is what I am adding...."not at your expense".

When your Xws really begins working on herself. U R the one that should see, hear and feel the benefits. If you are not, then she really isn't improving. Often a WS uses this as an excuse to continue NOT fixing themselves. See the babble? In reality, when an Xws really begins recovery the BS and family see, feel and hear the results. When you only hear of the results but don't see and feel it, then it isn't recovery.....it is babble.

That is when a BS implements plan B. To protect themselves from further manipulative abuse.

Does that make sense?

IMHO,
L.

I understand...but how do yo plan "B" someone that lives in your household and you are sleeping with each night? So far...she has had her cake and ate it also. I've been a "doormat' and I'm starting to get impatient. I guess I need to set a time guideline and see if this lady counselor helps or I get tired. Thanks.

Hey WB
yes I can remember you too.

If you think things are heading towards a split no matter what right now, what about jumping off the deep end and contacting the harleys to get together some plan...if its getting to be where you are not accepting too much more....better to spend a bit now than to have dv if it could be avoided.

just a suggestion. You might at the least get a professional opoinion on your odds here. its sounds pretty tough for you.

all the best mate

Welder,

I like Aussie's suggestion and agree with the assessment. Plan B may require you to let her know she needs to leave. Why? Because even if she is in NC with the OM or the A is over, her attitude does not match recovery.

See for me, each time I uncovered false recovery, the Xws turned WS was told to leave. A few of those times it was with his stuff packed in boxes, then plastic garbage bags, then after he didn't appreciate all that effort, I just threw his clothes on the front lawn. That one had the deputies involved since he reported I was going crazy. Yet when the deputies arrived it was him they saw pushing me back into the house and the man they found was raging with anger only a WS can give. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> It was a horrible experience but one I will never forget. To watch one's spouse get cuffed and taken away by the police is a very painful sight. I cried so hard. The officers there were very understanding. They knew where the fog resided. I didn't have to explain too much.

My point is that each time she makes you feel NOT SAFE, you raise your requirements. She may complain and the stakes go up. Remember it is a privilege to live in your home. The WS lost the right when they stepped out of the M. Coming back s/b with a good attitude, making the BS and family feel safe. It is now all about the BS and family needs NOT the WS needs. Any sane spouse would understand that logic. But a WS would not. That is your tell tale sign.

L.

Well....I know that I seem to require a little more each time, but , after a talk we had last night....I'm not sure what direction to take. She seems to only want me to concentrate...on "let's take it 1 day at a time". She also said again that she loves me...but I don't realize the hurt I caused prior to the "A". I don't think much of this anymore is about the 'A" other than my lack of trust...she wants me to just be kind, and wait and see if she can become happy with herself...then work on our relationship.

No dice. She is still trying to yank your string and control your options. U R deserve t/b treated better than that. Give her back her babble and tell her it is her job to make you feel safe. Otherwise her 'fixing herself' won't work.

Your mind and heart are not in sync yet. That is why it is soo easy for her to put you back in turmoil. How much longer do you want t/b easily manipulated like that?

L.

Hey...I want to pull back from the forum right now, we had a real honest talk. Tears flowed from us both....there is a serious problem about the way she feels for me...that I'm not sharing here...therefore, It lets me realize how emotionally tender she is. Please pray for us. Thanks.

TTT

We understand. U take care of what you can. Make sure you are not being given crocodile tears.

These times are when I worry about BS' the most. Becareful. A WS can turn on a dime. Mine did time and time again. They may feel they mean well but their actions and even words don't match it. It has t/d with them not being able to control their emotions and needs.

This is where you need t/b strong. Crying is part of your strength.

If you need one of the guys to chat with you, let us know.

Aloha,
L.

How do I get in touch with Dr. Harley? Is his phone time really high dollar? Thanks all.

click on this link:
mb counseling

Check with your insurance so see if they will cover any of the fees. It does seem high but it is among the going rate. Weigh that against what you have already spent in time and emtions.

L.

L.

I tried the link...and keep just getting the page that explains the phone counseling. I can't find a number etc.,
thanks.

OK....here goes, we had supper here at home together and she is napping right now. I hate to tell this ...but I'm having trouble thinking what way to go? This morning I was told she has a deep love for me, that she really feels safe and secure, but now after everything...including the moving away of her parents that when I start to touch her...getting intimate, she weirds out and things feel like I'm wrong...as if I'm her Father. Only once in this recovery time has she ever felt 'passion" for me. She has done a few little things "just for me" in hte bedroom...but everything feels weird and wrong. She even said she "does things against me out of "resentmet of her Dad". Where do we go from here? After supper...she asked me if I enjoyed the evening spent with her? I of course said "yes" and she said she did also. Also...anyone have or know of bad times using "pot" while taking Prozac? The counselor told her to stop...and she has! Monday will be 7 days. It was her crutch on bad days.Later.