I didn't come here to be trashed. I came for help.

Thanks anyway.

TDIBO,
you are in what is called an emotional affair. It is just as much wrong as a physical affair and its addiction can be every bit as difficult to break.
The vets on this site will be along to help. Its kind of slow here on weekends so be patient.
I do know this much. If you want to save your marriage, the first thing you must do is to end all contact with OM. It will be tough, but it wont be tougher than divorce. If your job requires continued contact, one of you, either you or OM must find a way to transfer. As long as contact remains, the addiction will maintain its hold on you. Do not try to convince yourself that contact is possible while saving your marriage. If contact continues, you can be sure that divorce court will be in your future. I know you dont want that.

TDIBO-

Okay, you ARE having an affair......it's an emotional affair, but an affair just the same.

I know that you think you're doing the right thing, and that you don't want to hurt anyone, but YOU ARE. You need to sit your husband down right now, and tell him that you are in love with the OM.

You are here on this site, so I know that you want to fix things, and that's a positive sign.

You need to tell your husband and then write a letter to the OM with your husband telling him that you wish to have no further contact with him. You also need to get transferred to another unit or something, because you can't be around him day in and day out.

It's actually a good time to do it while he is out of the country, he won't be able to argue with you. You need to stop watching his house, hand that priveledge off to one of the 2 guys he has you going to if you need anything.

Your marriage is on a slippery slope right now, put a stop to this before it's too late.

-Caren

Hello,

I am sorry but how would you feel if the roles were reversed? A marriage involves two people and not three. You are way to closely tied to this OM (which he is). This is a man who professes love and affection for you. This is wrong and you are in fact being terribly disrespectful to your husband and your relationship. You can rationalize all you want but you are sharing your feelings and your mind with another man who is not your husband. How can you not see how wrong this is? How do you think you would feel if your husband was longing for and emotionally attached to another woman who has strong emotional love toward him?

Again a marriage involves two people and not three. You are sharing your emotions and desires between two men. It is extremely unfair to both of them. You are short changing your husband and you are not allowing this OM to find someone else because you are enabling his affection and attachment to you. Maybe you should imagine your husband leaving you and finding someone else who truly loves and respects him totally because right now this is not you.

YOu have come to the right place. Give your H the letter to read and then burn it. You need to change jobs and NOT have any contact with this OM again or you will cross that line. I am glad you have not told him how you feel for that is how A's start.

Unfortunately, you are involved in an emotional affair (EA). if you allow it to continue it is likely to develop into a full physical affair (PA).

Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends' may be helpful.
Also, 'Surviving an Affair', by Dr. Willard Harley.

Many or most people don't expect it to happen to them. Most say they didn't plan on having a affair (A). But, ala, you have in fact made choices to spend time alone together having deep and emotionally charged conversations which allowed the boundaries to be crossed and feelings of love to develop. You are now addicted to those feelings and thus miss the other man as if you are going through withdrawal from a drug. You need to share your feelings with your husband. You are keeping a secret or lying by omission if you haven't expressed the depth of feelings you've developed for OM. Your H needs to know he can't trust you around OM any longer.

The line was crossed when he expressed inappropriate feelings for you. A married woman or man shouldn't spend as much time with someone of the opposite sex where intimate, personal, conversations can cause you to develop an attachment. You allowed the OM to meet some of your most important emotional needs. Some of those needs may not have been recently met within your marriage. You, yourself are better able to define those needs that were being met or were lacking in your marriage. I would guess that admiration and conversation are a couple of important ones for you.

If you want your marriage to survive then you would need to have no contact for life with the OM. It isn't fair to your H to maintain this 'friendship' any longer. I don't think you can separate the feelings and go back to just being friends. The line has been crossed emotionally. You need to understand proper boundaries for yourself. How would you feel if your husband has a single or married woman confiding in him in such intimate detail and expressing her love to him?

If you don't feel like you can make that decision then you should decide if you want to remain married. If you chose to save your marriage you need to share your feelings with your H so that he help work on a plan for no contact. That will mean changing jobs or moving if you have to. You would send OM a brief no contact letter.

I am sorry you find yourself in this predicament.

'His Needs Her Needs' by Willard Harley can help you and your husband determine what, if any, emototional needs have been lacking in your marriage and help you make a plan to remedy the situation and have a better marriage than before you got so emotionally involved with the OM.

Weekends can be slow on MB forum. But, I want to welcome you just the same.

Spend some time reading the concepts and articles on the main part of this website.

All the best...

Deleted

I'm sorry, but as a wife on the receiving end of this type of crap, how can you claim to have honor and integrity? (And FWIW, my hubby and I are BOTH military). YOU ARE HAVING an EA. That is not honorable, and lacks integrity. Remember the 7 Army values. I beg you to seek IC, and get yourself together before you blow your marriage. Your husband totally does not deserve to be treated like this.

I apologize for posts that came off a bit harsh. Understand that some BS's have very raw feelings because of the damage or freshness of the pain from their spouse's A.

I wouldn't want you to be scared away and not get the help you need. You might do better to repost on Sunday night or Monday morning when more of the wiser poster's can respond. Some people use a more direct approach than others but usually the intent is to help you save your marriage. Since that is what you desire to do then you can benefit from Marriage Builders and there are lots of folks here who have been on both sides of affairs of all sorts.

Understand that your experience is not unique. Many others have experienced very similar feelings and situations.

I am glad you didn't share personal stuff with the OM yourself and express your strong feelings for the OM yourself.

Sometimes being scared is a way to let you know the gravity of the choices you could be making that can effect your marriage's survival.

Please don't leave without receiving help. You are always free to take or leave whatever a poster says that you don't agree with or that you don't think is helpful or productive to your situation.

God bless you whatever you decide. I know you are a good person and want to do the right thing.

Bump

A last bump in case she checks in and wants to give us another try or someone else has anything to add...in case she is still reading here.