Quick background... My boyfriend of 2+ years is a wonderful man. I am 30, he is 32. We have enjoyed devoted companionship and have openly discussed a future together, something we both believe is inevitable. He is divorced, I have never been married. Because of his divorce, and the pressure his ex-wife put on him to get married (yet then cheated several years later), he has been gun-shy about getting engaged. He has made it clear it's what he wants, and talks openly about being married and being parents together someday. I think he just needs to have control over actually taking that step, b/c he didn't have that before. I, however, have been growing impatient, and for several months I had become the nagging "marry-me" girlfriend I never thought I would be! I hated myself for it, yet couldn't seem to let the topic go. For the last month or so, we have been doing great. I have finally let go of the control I wished to have. We have been preparing my house to sell (which I won't do until we are engaged, yet he has been very helpful and proactive working on it). We have talked about a wedding next year, and I finally believed we were moving in that direction, and that he was working up to the actual engagement, on his terms....
Then a bombshell. I discovered that my BF had a drunken one-night stand with a female friend a few months ago. Although the sex only happened once, there were several flirty and suggestive emails as well, but it really never amounted to a full "affair." Fortunatly, she has since moved out of state. He was a mess when it happened (although I didn't understand at that time why he was so grumpy and cranky... he tells me now it was because he felt so horrible about himself). He was devastated and sorry, once it was out in the open, although he also admitted to being somewhat relieved. He didn't like the burden of the secret, but hadn't found the strength to confess (nor do I really know if he would have). Naturally, I was horrified and heartbroken. But, I have been shocked at how easily I feel I can forgive him. I truly believe, in my gut, that it won't happen again. He knows what I'm feeling, having been there himself, and I think that is helping us. He is doing everything he can to regain my affection, trust, and love. Physically, emotionally, etc. He's doing everything right, and it's really helping me heal and find closure. For example, I have asked him to put some of his expressions of apology and regret on paper, so I can re-read it now and then - when emotions boil up - since I know that repeatedly dredging it back up with him won't help us at all. I like Marlene Dietrich's quote - "Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast." Yet, sometimes I might want to "reheat" the apology, and his note will help with that. And I believe that eventually I will be healed enough to burn that note. We have talked very openly about what led up to this. He knows he is ultimately the one at fault, but I have been willing to acknowledge my role in making him feel "trapped" through my pressure. Basically, we have both admitted to letting each other down in some way, and have realized that the relationship is bigger and more important than any individual mistakes or faults, and so we forgive and move on. Generally speaking, I feel that we will be stronger as a result of dealing with this together, so openly and so well. Life together will get hard again, and this lesson has re-commited us to each other, and should give us skills to deal with future challenges.
So my question... Am I completely nuts for forgiving him so easily, or is that just a sign that what we have must be strong enough to endure? Does it sound, to outsiders, like he is worthy of my trust again? Anyone else out there ever deal with similar situation?
Thanks!
