WH is away on business trip to Puerto Rico. The trip came up suddenly this past Tuesday. The same day he was planning to move out of the house. I had accepted that he was leaving and actually feeling a little relieved. He calls everyday not just to talk to the kids but to speak to me. Calling multiple times on house phone and cell phone until he reaches me.He tells me about whats going on there and how is day was. I give him little tid bits of whats going on here. I've been keeping busy and actually made a few changes around the house like getting rid of our kingsize bed.

Tonight he calls, after talking to the kids he asks to speak to me. He talks about coming home on Thursday. Next week my kids go to stay with brother in law and family for a week. They have done this for the last several years. Last year WH made sure that he "worked late" or had a "meeting" just about every night they were gone. We went to dinner once and was angry because I was wearing earrings and make up. (Alien!).

I thought he would be moved out by now and I've made arrangements for every night next week. One night shopping, one night at Atlantic City Casino, one night dinner and movie with a friend, then Thurs night, Friday and Saturday going down the shore to stay at beach house of my mom's best friend...then picking the kids up Sat.

WH now says he'll be home Thursday and doesn't have to go in to work on Friday but may have to go back to Puerto Rico the next week. Do I alter my plans? Or see how it goes? Stick with my plans regardless?...I don't see him coming home wanting to commit...but I am hoping. I know stupid is as stupid does.

Tough choices.... If he is giving your indications that he wants to work on your relationship then make changes in your schedule. If he just is telling you when he is going to be back then do not alter your plans.

Aliens are notorious for giving you false hope. We are their backup plan.

BHINWI thanks for the reply. I figure next week will give me more info...with the kids gone he doesn't really have a reason to call here. And if he calls I won't be here anyway. I did tell him that I would be making plans for next week since no one would be here. I've been pleasant on the phone, conversation has been friendly...no R talk, nothing about missing him. I end the conversation before it winds down. Tonight I said I was tired it had been sucha busy day and a big day planned for tomorrow. He sounded disappointed "I guess I better let you get to bed then."

Our pattern is that he is nice for a while and I suck up the crumbs and think things are improving...then comes the silent treatment and plans to move out.

Confused, of course, take my advice with a very large grain of salt, but why should you change your plans? It's almost like you're following the 180 plan, where you look like you're moving on with your life. It might be good for him to realize that you're not just sitting at home pining away for his return.

Thanks Pebs...that's kinda how I'm thinking too. But I know me...I'm afraid i'll cave if he asks me to stick around. And if I do stick around I think I'll be headed for disappointment. This just stinks...I HATE limbo and I HATE being wishey washey, and I hate that if I do go down to the beach I'll be worrying about what he's doing and who he is with.

Won't do any good to worry about it now. I'll have fun before he gets back. When he gets home maybe I'll ask him if he wants me to stay home and if he says yes...I'll ask if that means he is ready to commit to M. If he says I still don't know...I'll go to the beach and tell him to call me he decides our M is worth the effort.

Keep your plans. Go to the beach. Have some fun.

Everything he has told you is a BIG if. If he gets home. If he's there. You have no way of knowing if he actually will be there for or with you. Limbo stinks, so go do something for yourself. If he's serious about your marriage, he can always join you at the beach.

As for wondering where he is...I keep the mindset that if WH isn't with me or it's not work hours (which is most of the time) then he's with OW. That way, I'm never thinking about where he is. No thoughts of driving by his apartment or work. In this case, guilty until proven innocent. It keeps me sane.

Thanks for the input GG. Its nice to see you back on the board...I didn't see you for a while there.

I am inclined to keep my plans. My 1st instinct was...it doesn't really matter what his arrival date is because he wasn't planning on being here anyway. Then my 2nd thought was that's a pretty rotten home coming, to come home to have everyone else away, maybe I should stick around. A few weeks ago my instincts would have been reversed...no I wouldn't have even thought about going away, "just in case" he wanted to see me. I guess thats progress.

WH just IM'd me from Puerto Rico asking if the kids got off to his brother's alright. He asked if he could call me later.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Sure he can call you but you just might not be there! I hate WS ambivalence. I'll call you, I'll see you, I'll do something with you but it's all at their convenience and whim. Keep your plans. If he's serious about being with you, he'll love to come to the beach. Be strong!

(Confused42, I was on vacation for a while. My DD and I went to visit friends in NY. Before that I was a leader for a week of Girl Scout day camp and it fried my brains!)

He did call after all. I was upstairs playing musical beds (rearranging furniture) sweating my a** off with music blarring waiting for my friend's husband to come help me move the full size bed out of my son's room. I didn't check caller ID and it was him. I told him I was watching a home improvement show and got inspired. We talked for about 20 minutes. He told me about his day and how tired he was. I told him about taking the kids and some of the changes I was making around the house. I cut the conversation short.
I have plans for the rest of the week so I really won't be here if he calls.

I think I need to go to the beach. I don't think he would join me even if he wanted to. I'm going to my Mom's best friend's house..they will probably be there with me...I don't think he could face them. I told him that with him and the kids gone this week I was going to make plans. He hasn't asked about them. He probably thinks I will just sit home and wait for him to call. Not anymore!

Tonight....I shop! New nail polish, new nightie and maybe new bra & matching panties, picture frame, headlight for the van, furniture polish, wood from Home Depot. I just heard of a good mattress sale no payment until 2008!

Busy night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I went shopping...didn't get EVERYTHING I wanted but I got a new bed!! I can't wait til they deliver it. It was a little more then I had budgeted even after haggling the price. It was the one I really wanted. It was 15 minutes before closing. The salesman was a guy in early 30's anxious to leave on time. I couldn't beleive the words that came out of my mouth but I said "I really need to stick to my budget...the reason I want a NEW bed is because my H had an A and I NEED a NEW bed." The poor salesman...the look on his face! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />LOL!! I got the bed under budget!

Spoke to my kids tonight at brother-in-laws, they are having a great time. DS got on the phone asked about how my day at work was, how I made out shopping ...he told me he loved me...then he said "I was thinkin' you really should go to the beach and have a good time" He's a smart boy.
Talking to BIL & SIL ,DS has opened up to them and said he was really tired of watching WH disrespect me and take advantage. He said "One good thing my mom did is she stopped my dad from going to (OW's)house. I hated going there my dad would get so drunk."

It breaks my heart that my children have witness the treatment I accepted. They saw more then I realized. That reason alone is enough to keep me strong.

A new bed!!! Good for you!! I think I need a shopping spree!

Kids are so wise! It breaks my heart too that they have to hurt.

You sound like you are doing great!!

Thanks lost! I'll keep tryin' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Send us a beach bulletin!

Its been rainy this week...but Friday is suppose to be clear! I'm going to the beach. Part of my hesitation was "What would the kids think if I went to the shore instead of being home for their Dad?" I think they understand way more than I thought. It really is ok with them if I go. A romantic homecoming like we use to have is out of the question. Maybe he should see if he likes coming home to an empty house. That way he can also pack his stuff while I'm gone.

I see the Jersey Shore forecast as calm and peaceful even if it does rain a little.

Tonight....its the casino!! I feel lucky! I've been having my paitents making a wish on a quarter and putting their names on the quarter.(I provide the quarter they provide the wish) If I hit the big jackpot I'll split it with them. I have some quarters with my kids names too.

Wish me luck!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well I didn't hit the big jackpot with any of my wish quarters. But I got a free dinner, I laughed until I almost wet my pants...and I came home with $27 more then I left with. Just about enough to pay for my dinner & movie for tomorrow night. (I'm a cheap date) Going out for a bite to eat and to see "The Wedding Crashers" with friends. Has anybody seen it...I'm looking for comedy, NOTHING too thought provoking.

I was out to dinner and movie tonight. Wedding Crashers....funny. As I came home WH called looked like he's called several times while I was out. His voice was kind of sad and tired, he told me about his day and the business trip. I told him how glad I was that he had this opportunity. He is coming home tomorrow. He gave me his flight info.

He asked if I could pick him up from the airport. I hesitated....then he said "if it takes you that long to answer never mind I'll ask somebody else." I told him that it wasn't that I didn't want to pick him up from the airport its that I have missed him so much this past week that I can't imagine seeing him and not wanting to hold him. That I couldn't bare it if he pulled away from my embrace or didn't return my kiss. That if he had not gone on this business trip he would have moved out by now. I told him I enjoyed talking with him this week but I have to protect myself and I can't settle for just pieces of him. That I love him and I want to work on our marriage but if he can't do that then I have to protect myself from being hurt any further, I want all of him my whole H. He asked me if I would be around tomorrow night I didn't answer him. he said he would call me when he landed.

It feels like my heart is tearing to pieces. Did I do the right thing? Help. I need support.

I just grabbed a shower and I am headed to bed to try and sleep. In the past I would have asked WH do you want me to pick you up...he would say yes...I would pick him up, come home see the kids, he would be nice to me, SF, nice for a few days...then back to the moodiness, ignoring me, the cold shoulder. All the while never committing to me or the M and still planning to move out. I'd settle for crumbs and my little "fix". I keep hearing my son's words "I hate seeing my dad disrespect my mom."

I cannot/will not allow that to happen any longer.

This is hard. I think I did the right thing. Did I? still looking for support.