I was back on page 9 so I bumped myself.
WH called last night in a pretty foul mood looking for anything to nip at. He doesn't actually bite because that would require confrontation and interaction. We are really good at avoiding that. So he just nips a little and sends in little zingers.

I just posted to somebody else some pretty good advice I should take myself. When its quite it seems like there is no good reason he should leave...except one. He won't give me a good reason why he should stay.

My WH returns from his 2nd business trip total of 15 days away. It seemed like something kept coming up to prevent him from moving out. I had hoped it was so he would have time away and return home fog free. I don't think so. I think maybe this time away has allowed me to detach alittle. I didn't miss him as much this week and I'm not real excited about his return home.

Orchid, when will I know I'm ready for plan B? I think I'm there, I tired of games and chaos.

Hi C42,

Glad you had a nice time at the beach. As for his nippy or snippiness, well if he doesn't come home showing he is happy, does he really belong? Just a thought to mull over.
Maybe he knows the OW was in the same area as you were and it made him upset. He needs to explain why he 'appears t/b PMSing'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> That's how I handled it when my Xws got snippy. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As for you going to plan B, well r u really ready? What are your personal boundaries. Are your mind and heart in sync yet? I know you are tired of the games and that's a good sign but plan B means NC (or limited issues like children/finance). No meeting of needs, just cordial and info exchange. Don't just look at the relief, look at the entire picture. YOu have to be ready to accept that if plan B ends in D, that's ok. It may not but you have t/b ready for all directions. R U comfortable with how you are now? With yourself as a person, W and mother? If you r, that's a start.

I'll be back later this afternoon or evening for you.

take care,
L.

Thanks for the response Orchid,

He doesn't explain ANYTHING...he just ignores it.



Boundaries that is a tough one for me.
First and foremost NC w/ OW for any reason.
We need to go to counseling...WH has very difficult time expressing his feelings unless he has been drinking and then its fog talk. We need to address the issues in our marriage. He needs to learn how to let go and forgive.

I think my mind and my heart are in sync...I am not going to settle for crumbs anymore...I don't need to...I'm worth more then that. I've accepted I do not NEED my WH but I do WANT my H. But if H doesn't come back from the mothership..WH is not good enough.

A year ago I could not even concieve the idea of a life without him. I can see it now and it would not be the end of the world.



I have learned so much about myself this past year. I've identified weakness and why I think those areas were weak. I've worked on them. I've identified my areas of strength and drawn on them. I have friends,family and co workers in RL for support, although they can't offer me the guidance that you guys here can at MB, (thet too have become MB believers and are willing to assist me in ANY way possible.)
I have renewed my faith in God and I have forgiven myself for past mistakes. I have a job that is secure and I am improving my position financially. I am still a work in progress and I intend to continue... that I believe is a valuable example for my children.

[color:"red "]Orchid: When some PMS, they go silent. My point is that he acts abnormal. Not in control. Point it out ot him, then leave him to wonder about it. If he doesn't hup to, don't worry. WS' take a lot longer to digest comments. Mentally slow is a symptom. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> [/color]




[color:"red "]Orchid: So you have your work cut out for you. I used to require NC w/OW as a 'boundary for me', then I realized what I needed was OW out of my life. I couldn't control if the OW and WS contacted each other, so I threw that out as my personal boundary and required OW NOT contact me. NC between OW and Xws w/b his boundary not mine. [/color]



[color:"red "]Orchid: Time has a way of healing. Just shows that the A while it hurts now, will not have a permanent hold on us. We won't let it. [/color]




[color:"red"]Orchid: Good, these are positive changes that will leave any WS in the dust. That's ok. YOu don't want t/b a BS forever, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

I just read Suzet's excellent post.

I will be talking to WH tonight.
He returned from Puerto Rico last night, this greeting was not as nearly enthusiastic as the last. He wasn't wearing his wedding ring. He said he had to take it off to get through security at the airport. It takes what..2 second to put it back on...he chose not to. I guess thats where is mind frame is at.

I was going to try and have a heart to heart with him...but its the alien not my H...so why waste my time? There is no perfect time to do this...there's always going to be an important project or a holiday or some other excuse. I'm done with excuses.

Wish me luck.

So much for talking to WH tonight.
At dinner he announced he was getting together with his best friend since he hasn't seen him. "Just for a couple beers I won't be late." That was 7:30, its 10:45 now. DD called him asked him to come home he said "In a little while" he obviously had more than a couple. DS got invited to go down the shore with a friend for a couple days. He called WH asked if he would be home soon cause DS would be away. WH said "I'll call you when you are down there." DS is so angry. I can't blame and I won't make excuses for WH anymore.

I don't want to talk to him when he's been drinking...it'll turn it to drama. Its all matter of fact as far as I'm concerned.

I use to think WH lurked here. Maybe he did and found an excuse to get out of the house to avoid talking to me tonight.

Well I am no pro confused but I tell ya what I don't think you are far from plan b. This keeps up and your love bank will be empty for sure...

It was very hard today for me to give WH that letter but I did. I was even there while he read it. I was another room but I saw his face when he came out from the room reading it. Nit sure how to describe it, but it looked like he wanted to say something but SIL had just returned home.... But he did have it in his shirt pocket. Something tells me he will read it again and again .....

So I do believe yout getting close for it....

DD started crying for WH around 11 PM, she tried to reach him and he didn't answer his phone. So we called the friend he said he was with (and he was) and she talked to WH asked him to come home and was crying because he made a promise to HER and he broke it. It broke my heart, she loves her daddy SO much. Again, WH promised to be home soon.

I invited DD to come to bed with me and we talked. I told her I had a 4 day weekend and we should think about what we could do. Her suggestion was the 4 of us go camping and take the dog to the campsite WH found close to his work. Then she said "but I don't really want to take the RV there because I'm afraid daddy will go there to sleep instead of coming home."

WH came home around 12:30 AM. DD was in bed with me so he went downstairs to sleep.

I didn't get angry. but enough is enough.

I agree hurting...he needs to leave and then I need plan B.
My bank has been getting major withdrawls especially when I see it hurting my children.

You are doing great...stay strong...I'm learning from you.

Sorry to hear your children are hurting so. It makes my blood boil when we see what a WS will allow to happen to fuel the A. It often does cause a turning point for the BS.

Take comfort in the fact that all WS' will regret these actions at some point in their life. Whether they admit it or not. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> This is TRUE!

Now as for plan B, r u waiting for him to move out on his own?

L.

I'm here for your support. I thank you for your support in my own situation.

I hate it so that it seems the children are hurt in these situations, and how they are able to see thru the WS's actions.

My own DD urged me to "kick WH to the curb", and "Oh, he's up to something". And still I stood up for WH. Even tho my children are grown, their father's actions have hurt them very deeply.

You sound ready for Plan B to me. And you sound very strong.

Keep up the good work.

K

Confused,

This thread is so heart wrenching for me...I am a FWS as well as a BS now. I look back at some of my own actions and realize how hurtful and neglectful I was. At the time the taker in me was so strong and I was so confused that I even hurt my children. THe Other MB'rs are absolutely correct he will eventually regret what has happened. I was fortunate enough to realize things fairly quickly and my children have forgiven me (I believe) I spend everyday making sure that they know I am there and that I love them. At some point your WS will do the same...My prayers are with you and your DD. You seem very strong and determined to do what ever it takes and that is important in reassuring your DD. We are here for your support.

Orchid, K and seeking,
Thank you so much for the support. As you all know it helps tremendously! I am determined. I guess like most moms I'll endure alot but when it comes to my kids don't mess with them. I am so proud of DS13 he told me that last night before WH left that he confronted his Dad about not telling his sister of his intention to leave. "I told him it wasn't fair she thinks everything is fine and he better tell her soon." Big brother is very protective of little sis. WH had nothing to say to him in return.


I think the thing holding WH back is that he has not talked to DD yet. I was leaving that to him as he should deal with the fallout of his actions. But dragging this out is hurting her more. I have a 4 day weekend coming up. Last month when WH told me he would be leaving in August I told him about this weekend and that I wanted to take the kids somewhere. He could have them for a long weekend over Labor Day weekend. I think it would be a good time for him to pack his stuff and move out while we are away. So if he doesn't tell her before this weekend I will.

WH and I had a personal encounter last night and again this morning. I'm not comfortable posting details except to say that I held my ground (without anger) and the alien was not happy at all. This morning as I was watching him get dressed I didn't even recognize the man he has become. There was nothing in his eyes.

When WH was away I felt there must be a cosmic reason for it. I had hoped originally that it was so he could see through the fog. Now I think I need that time apart so I could grow a backbone.

Confused........

If you find out how to grow a backbone, please let me know!

I was thinking of looking into a transplant......... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think you're backbone is coming along just fine. You just have to watch your posture and keep your head up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Gotta get back to work. Thanks again for the support.

I sent WH an email. I'm not sure if it was a good idea but I did it. He has a meeting tonight and I did not want this to be delayed yet another time.

I told him about how upset the kids were...just the facts of the events of what happened, no name calling or accusing. I told him I was concerned he hadn't talked to DD and if he didn't I would.

I told him I wanted to take the kids to my sister's cabin this weekend and that would give him time to pack his stuff and move the RV. I told him I wanted to talk to him about this, that I wasn't angry but felt it was important to move forward.

I don't expect a response from him but at least maybe we can get the ball rolling.

Dumb move?

bump

No it isn't a dumb move. Remember your expectations of the WS' reactions is not your motivation. Your need to protect yourself and your family is what is motivating you.

Do you see and feel the difference? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.