Have you thought about getting a key-logger and finding out?

Thanks for the reply Believer,
In the past I told him about the NC letter he refused to write it and said it was silly. 2 weeks after that OWH provided me with transcripts of their IM's from a keylogger he had installed.(he has taken keylogger off)

WH has recently agreed to NC. I made it clear what NC included but driving by her house was not something that I touched on. Yesterday I emailed him that I wanted him to do a NC letter. There has been no response from him yet.

Its not so much that I have given up on the marriage. Its that I have accepted that if he does nothing the marriage will not survive. He refuses to talk about OW or their A. He has admitted to EA that turned "somewhat" physical but refuses to answer any questions I ask.

Its almost as if the A stopped and he never wants to speak of it again. Just pretend nothing happened. But he has made NO effort in improving our R so we could work on the issues that led to the A. Is it withdrawl? denial? covering for A that continues? I don't know.

I will wait for a response for the request for NC letter. I've waited this long. If he were to SHOW me some action to working on our marriage I would be responsive to that. But I think he needs to make some effort.

Hi believer,
We crossed posted. If they are IM'ing it is on his work computer that I have no access to. Her H took keylogger off because she complained her privacy was violated and he found what they were writing very hurtful and couldn't bare to read it.

Its good to vent here. WH took some babysteps today. He didn't acknowledge that he read the email I sent him.This is a portion of the email where I outlined my boundaries.

As far as me mapping out a route for you to drive...I'm not going to do that. I've told you my concerns and its up to you if you choose to act on them. I believe no contact of any kind (in person, talking on the phone, emailing, IMing, driving by her house, going to places you use to go together, etc...) is important to allow us both time to heal. You spent years building an emotional bond with her, one that I am sure is not easily broken. Any kind of contact keeps that emotional bond connected whether or not you ever lay eyes on her again. Policing no contact doesn't work. It has to be something you decide to do.

As far as me mapping out your way to come home...I think I've already made it clear what I want for us. A start would be a no contact letter that you write to her and give to me to read and mail if I see fit. It is a show of good faith. Share your day with me, show some consideration for me, accept my care and affection. These are steps to the way home. A home is not a house, it is where you love your family, you share your dreams, joys and fears, where you feel safe and protected, it is where you are loved and accepted. I really look forward to you coming home.

Tonight he called me from his work phone before he left his office (1 hour commute). When he got home he told me about his day, we went over some mail (bills) and sat and talked about regular everyday stuff. An actual conversation!

The biggest difference I see in myself right now is that I no longer feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. My mood does not depend on his mood...it did for a very long time.

I am more hopeful than I was this morning, but it is babysteps in the right direction. We'll see what happens with NC letter.

Thank you for your support guys!

edited to add: BTW the unknown email address was a false alarm. He accidentally combined work email and home email address. As he was checking his email at home for the confirmation of baseball game tickets he ordered on line he realized the error. (without me asking about it)

Your WS sounds like mine did. I had to take it a notch down and simplify it more..... I gave those bunch of conditions and it overloaded his small WS brain. I beleive their brain actually shrinks in the A. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Anyways, I simply told him 'any communication' with any OW constitutes a breech in our M and that anytime I get a whiff of any OP (male or female - he certianly didn't like that thought), I'd go to plan B.

L.

Hey Confused - I gotta tell you my situation sounds a lot like yours.

My WH is dong the same thing...A over but won't talk about it and acts like it will just all go away, yet puts no real effort into recovery.

He is home every night, but only in body. Every once in a while I get glimpses of my husband, but he is just there. Not mean or sad or mad just there! He says he wants to be a part of the family but feels like he is wandering.

I am just not sure what to do. Maybe I can send an email like you did and see how he responds.

My mood still depends on his mood but I am working hard on that!!

With hockey season starting we are forced to spend time together as a family and I guess that is a good thing. I am not even really sure how to act around him. I feel stupid sometimes when I am all happy and he is all blah, but then if I feel blah I don't want to be a downer!

Any way, I am glad to hear that your WH is making an effort!

LOL!!Its probably like brain damage from overdosing on ill-gotten endorphines!

I've told him that if chooses to have any kind of contact w/OW then he also chooses to have NO contact w/me. He said he was well aware of that.


You've got a powerful sniffer! Have you ever considered a career in the perfume industry?...a professional nose! LOL

Thanks so much for your support

(((Lost)))
Its nice to hear from you, I've been wondering how you have been doing. It seems like things are in slow motion. It is frustrating to believe the A is over but still not working on recovery. The last few weeks I've come to accept that I cannot force my timetable on him. And I've been focusing on my personal recovery. Not to say I don't have lapses of frustration.

I don't know if my M will survive...a lot depends on mutual cooperation. I now know in my heart of hearts that I will survive and prosper with or without H.


I know how that feels...its almost like living with a ghost.
Although he may not be actively participating he is absorbing his environment. He is probably noticing the changes you've been making, hasn't commented on them and is still trying to figure out your angle. I think they have a hard time believing changes are sincere and you are just trying to trick the alien. LOL!
Hang in there and keep me posted on how you are doing.

Well WH took 2 little babysteps forward and a giant leap backward! He just tossed me a few crumbs to keep me in line. Last night he had a meeting. I went to pick up DS from a friend's house 1 1/2 hrs after WH's meeting had started. WH's car was the only one in the parking lot, the building where the meeting was totally dark and closed up. OW's mother and stepfather live across the street from where the meeting was. Their front porch light and front door was open.

WH got home 2hrs after I saw his car. I asked how his meeting went. He said fine blah, blah, blah. I asked where he went after the meeting. He said he went to local bar with other board members (no names). I asked how he got there he said he drove. I told him I had seen his car. He then admitted he went over to see OW's mother and stepfather said they were moving to North Carolina and OW's stepfather wanted to give him tools!!

I told him that it was unacceptable to visit his girlfriends parents and it was unacceptable to go out to bar and not have called. So of course following the alien script he said all I ever do is focus on what he did wrong...after all he did call me from work yesterday.

Next week I will file the paperwork for finances and parenting time. Its all pretty much filled out already. He leaves for a 3 day business trip next week. I'll pack his stuff while he is gone.

I called OWH this morning. I told him that I told my WH about the tape I have of OW & WH. And WH visit to his in-laws and possible contact last night.

I know what you mean bout crumbs confused.
OM gets the cake and WW comes by and trys to trigger me in to a arguement....

WH doesn't want to leave but it also seems his is unwilling to commit to NC. I guess if he doesn't leave, I can pack the kids up and go to my Mom and Dad's. They will be wintering in Florida.They live in the next town over. But if that lasts too long I'd have to change the kids' school.

^^bump^^
advise? input? support?

I just submitted my appointment request w/ SH. I've been putting it off because of the expense. But a session w/ SH is cheaper then a session w/ my lawyer.

I guess I'll sit tight until I talk to SH. Try not to LB.

I told WH that I appreciated that he told me he went to OW parents' house and I told him it was inappropriate and I didn't like that he went there. I asked if he understood that he said yes. But he has not apologized or offered explaination. Tonight he is out at a baseball game with friends male and female and did not offer to include me (he only purchased enough tickets for 2male and 1 female friend). It feels like he has no consequences for bad behavior and does whatever he please.

I'm home with the kids they each have a friend over. Seems like the same old story...I'm ready for a different ending.

{{{Confused}}} - I'm sorry I have no advice for you, only support!!! I am bumping this back up because your situation sounds a lot like mine and I am hoping someone writes to you and gives you some advice.

I'm ready for a different ending too, but am not sure how to get it!

ARrrrrgh.... not at u but at your Xws. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hugz for you and your children.

Let us know when you are ready to work on a better outcome. ok?

Aloha,
L.

Orchid, I am SSSSOOOOOOOOOOO ready for a better outcome!!!! I kind of avoided him this weekend in the same house. I wasn't rude...just a little cool...trying to avoid LB.

He finished a couple projects around the house and made major gains on another. So if nothing else its that much less I'd have to pay someone to finish.

Yesterday we ended up playing a game for 1/2 hour with kids before they got bored, then 2 hours just the 2 of us.
He suggested we order out so I didn't have to cook.

So he made some LB deposits.

Best of all I got my appt with SH for TOMORROW MORNING!!!!
I will follow the advice to the letter. Although I'd still appreciate your support and guidance. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me!

C42,

Thinking of you. Speaking to SH sounds like a good plan.

{{{{{{C42}}}}}}}

Confused I can't wait to hear what SH has to say tomorrow so please post after!!!

I find my life so similiar to yours and just don't know which way to turn right now.

I don't post a lot about myself but I do read others and try to relate that to my situation.

Thinkng of you!!

I had my session with SH this morning. Bad news there's no easy answer or miracle cure. Good news is he confirmed what I believed about WH affair, isolated incident that he didn't intend but nevertheless happened. He confirmed that I've been on the right path (thank you so much for your guidance thus far...its been on the money) That for the time being I should continue trying to meet WH needs but still guarding myself because WH has yet to commit to M.

He wants to talk to WH, which I don't know if WH will agree to. He said plan B may not be far off if WH won't take steps to improve our R.

He did say something very interesting that I'll have to think about. He asked if WH noticed the changes I made, I said that he had but doubts the senercity of those changes.
SH said to try to meet H needs not out of fear but because I want to. Fear of..if I don't meet his needs...he'll go back to her...he won't love me. I think in the beginning I was reacting and doing things to impress WH to "win " him over. Then I was reacting to..he had an affair because I didn't meet his needs, its my fault. What SH pointed out not meeting needs may have set the stage but it didn't cause the A. The A happened because WH didn't defend his weaknesses.

So we'll see how it goes.
Did you ever see the TV commercial with the "easy" button?
I could use one of those right about now.

Sounds like a good talk and lots of things to think about.

I also need an easy button. I am beyond confused about my situation. I think maybe I am over thinking everything and trying too hard.

Thanks for posting about your talk. I think I need an appointment. Would really like for WH to speak with SH.