I probably should have vented some of this a while back, so that it wasn't so super-heated now, but it's too late for that.
D-day was back in April. The affair itself was devestating enough on it's own, but knowledge that it was with one of H's good friends was a bit of a blow, and the lies that came to light were overwhelming. Lots of them. Lots of lies. Most of them were stupid lies. He denied all of them when confronted until presented with proof, and then said he was sorry, but the rest was not BS-except of course, that dumb "evidence" just kept falling in my lap, and he kept having to change his story. I insisted that he end it, and he told me that he enthusiastically did, and that he wants to save this marriage. I did not insist on NC at the time, as they worked closely together.
He has since left that job, and kept intouch with OW. I am sad and hurt. I was putting away his stuff that he left sitting in the middle of the hallway after his last business trip, and crossed a boundary myself. I opened his dayplanner. I don't know what I thought I would find in there, but it seems silly to be as suprised as I was, since something compelled me to look. Two cards. One from OW, one from her son, who seemed to be under the impression that my H was soon to be his new daddy. Wow. Yes, I did confront H with this, and it made me sick. He said those were "old" and that he didn't even know that they were still in there and that they made the trip with him. Old?! How old?!
He kept them. I asked him to throw them away. I feel so bad, so sad, so sick for this poor kid. He thought they were going to be a family unit, and evil me ruined it for him.
So I asked H for NC. The next night he took me to a bar, and stupid me, I drank all night on an empty stomach, and expressed to him again in a drunken state how much NC would meant to me. "Well, who did I come home to?" he asked. Probably not the right way to phrase that.
anyway, he agreed that if the shoe were on the other foot, that he would in no way be comfortable with my being "friends" with an OM. NC was established. The next night we went out and stayed out as long as possible. He was afraid that things would get "ugly", since whe had been blowing OW off. Wow.
Well, NC must have lasted 24 hours, because that was the end of that, I have seen his cell phone since, and asked him directly if he is in contact with her still. He sure didi think about his answer before stating, "yes, I talk to her sometimes". I suggested that he is not grasping what I am asking for. He insists that he does get it, and that nothing is going on (I have heard that so many times that I want to barf)and he love me and wants to be with me.
I am not comfortable with this. If I push it, I am too demanding, that would be why he seeks out the loving arms of another, I fear.
I just feel a Catch 22 here.
Sorry this rant is so long. I have no-one to talk to. My closest confidant is my MIL, and I suspect she would not want to hear this. The rest of my friends would never look at H the same again, and that is not what I want.
He is out "with the boys" tonight, and I am torn between wanting to trust that that is where he is and remembering that that is where he was supoosed to be some nights that he was with her. Super.

Thoughts?

You need to make this affair vey uncomfortable for him. I am to asssume that nobody really knows what is going on. Please read and learn all you can about exposure of this nasty little disease. Until you expose it, it will remain his little secret. Is she married? Tell her husband. Tell enough people that it will be impossible for him to continue to hide it. You want to tell the people that will be in your corner to save your marriage.
They should not look at him the same way again. But your true friends will be by both of your sides when the going gets tough. He wants you to feel you are too demanding. That is how he justifies it all. Too demanding to want to save your marriage. Can you see how idiotic that looks?
Build yourself a support group. You will need it.
You can do this if you truly want to save this marriage. Get the strength from these good people here.

ap, have you considered using Marriage Builders' principles on his affair? MB is a very successful program that has been instrumental in busting up affairs. Since your methods are not working, have you considered using other tactics?


I thought this was a very curious statement. For what possible reason would you "trust" an untrustworthy person? I don't understand that. Wouldn't that be insane?


Why would you have a "boundary" against snooping if you had valid suspicions that he is betraying you? The purpose of a "boundary" is to protect you. Why would you adopt a boundary that harms you?

Thanks for your reply, BKarl. Finding this website has been a relief and an eye-opener for me. I asked again for NC last night, and he agreed, which is good, but I surely hope he doesn't think that will ease my desire for accountability in the future.
How in the heck do you get a man who swears that there are no emotional needs of his that I am not meeting, and that is not the problem to open up? I know she must have something to offer him that I haven't.
Thanks!

Yes, this website is really full of information that I find to make a lot of sense, and i am going out to get the book.
Well, I want to trust him, that's the thing. This whole thing has shaken our marriage, but I really want to rebuild.

Thanks, I was feeling pretty rotten for looking someplace that I had no other reason to look. To add insult to injury, I looked in our car, which is my primary vehicle, where things like jumper cables are stored, and found kinky stuff. Dear God have mercy. I have no way of knowing how long it has been there, or if it is meant as an anniversary gift for me (coming up soon) or something from her that he doesn't know where to put.
I don't even know what to do about our anniversary.
I want to rebuild. He says that he wants to, too.
That's what I am working with right now.

You will be snooping for a long time, so get comfortable with the idea. However, I would make very sure not to get caught, for now.

Once the affair is over, and your H is trying to show you that he is trustworthy, that is when you no longer try to hide it. He should want you to look so you can see that he is telling the truth.

You cannot rebuild trust while the A is active, so don't try right now.