Been two weeks since my last post but here's a brief summary. One month since DDay. WW having/had intense affair for 7 months with her "boss" (senior partner in her law firm). OMW is also a partner there. Affair is exposed --- everyone at the firm knows and allegedly steps have been taken to limit contact to professional only. WW insists affair is over, but I don't believe her. OM took her to lunch last week and they "talked" about their counseling (both OMW, OM, WW, and myself are in MC) and God knows what else.

We have two kids ages three and five --- been married nine years. Wife says she still loves me but I have been interogating her too much lately and she resents my presence and is annoyed by having to be responsible for my feelings. You know the routine. I have been in Plan A for a month (since DDay) and the daily stress and suffering is tough. I need a plan. I plan to give Plan A one more month (until the end of August),continue to be supportive and positive while insisting the affair must end and a recovery plan be in place. If nothing happens after a month, I move to Plan B. This means, though, that I will have to move out. WW makes twoce what I do and I can't afford to stay at this house alone. And I seriously doubt she would move out. She says the only reason we're still living together is the kids, and I tend to agree with that. My questions are: Is two months long enough for Plan A? WHat is the best way to enact Plan B? I hate to move out because of the danger of separation... but I see no alternative. help...

If your W is not willing to make you feel safe in your M, then she is not ready for recovery. She c/b placating you and this is dangerous to any type of real recovery.

So setting her aside for the moment, where r u with your plan A. Have you made all the changes you feel you need to make to make yourself a better person?

R your mind and heart in sync with your decisions or r u still in turmoil?

L.

jgoatboy, you have a very difficult situation, because you aren't going to recover as long as she is still in contact. As long as she is in contact she will never withdraw. This affair will be on again, off again for years as long as they work together. You will never recover because every time they see each other - which is every day - will put you back to day 1 of recovery.

If I were you, I would quit wasting your time with MC [which is useless when one partner is in an affair] and call Steve Harley. He will assess your situation and give you a PLAN to bust up this affair. He specializes in adultery and won't waste your time with nonsense. It will be worth every penny.

Well, you guys have helped me before and maybe you can do it again. I believe my wife is still in contacy with her partner in adultery and lying to me about it. I see plan B rushing towards me. As I understand it plan B is a further attempt to save your marriage and NOT a prelude to divorce. Assuming I go to plan B because of continuing lies and deceptions how in the world would I be able to trust in anything my spouse says or does to regain our relationship? Assuming further, of course, that she does so.

HOW do you make certain that NC is in effect? Apart from assigning a 24 hour watchdog I don't see any way of being able to believe your spouse's words after you have severed the relationship BECAUSE of lies and deceptions. I have thought and thought about this and I haven't come up with any good ideas.

Well, of course they are still in contact - they work with each other. I'm assuming that your wife can't or WON'T get another job.

Plan B takes lots of planning beforehand. If you do decide to do it, everything needs to be worked out, so you don't have contact with your wife.

I'm working on myself and improving --- feeling stronger. But what do I do? If I ask my wife to choose between marriage and her job, she's going to pick the latter. How can I ever get into recovery with her as long as she's working there? It seems hopeless --- when and how do I go to Plan B? (see post at the top) Should I move out?

campdog, that will be her problem. She will have to demonstrate trustworthy behavior to you before you reconcile. She will have to earn it.

At MB, the BS is usually advised to remain in the home. It would be better if she moved out.

jgoatboy, you don't issue an ultimatum, but you explain to her that your marriage will never recover as long as they are still in contact. Let her know that this is an expectation of yours. I would also contact the OMW and let her know that your marriages don't have a hope in ****** as long as they continue contact. Maybe with a united front, you can combat this.

And please take my advice and call Steve Harley. He can do more in 2 sessions than other counselors can ever do. You need some guidance through this mess right now.

Thanks for the advice. How will I know when to Plan B? And how can I do it if I don't move out?

jgoatboy, that is what I think you should work out with SH. Let him guide you through that. But in the meantime, start planting seeds with her and telling her that your marriage will not recover as long as they remain in ~any~ contact. Ask her what her plan is for that.

p.s. calling contact "professional" is a ruse, contact is contact. Thats like an alcoholic saying they are not active because they only drink at work events. It doesn't work.

Understood. I'm am almost 100% sure that WW will never quit her job --- she would probably have to be fired which is unlikely because her other boss (not the OM) is having an affair with her best friend at the office. It's beyond twisted. Here are the cards I hold, and they ain't much:
1) the kids --- we both love them dearly and don't want them hurt 2) OMW works at the firm and has some pull --- I could reach out to her again --- we have been in contact before and she believes she and OM are on the road to recovery, contact is strictly professional, etc. 3) WW knows how hard her life would become if I were gone --- not financially, but because I do so much work around the house, take care of kids when she's gone, etc.

However, I know my wife is addicted to this affair and can't let it go, and neither can OM. How can I plan B if neither one of us will move out?

jgoatboy, have a discussion with the OMW and explain to her that neither of your marriages will recover as long as they work together. Make sure she understands that *ANY* contact prevents them from withdrawing and prevents any recovery. And then call Steve Harley for advice.

Start talking to your w about this now. Tell her that your marriage can't recover like this.

Thanks for the advice. How will I plan B id neither of us is willing to move out of the house???

You can't do a Plan B then.

So I shouldn't move out because my kids and my life are there --- but I can't go to Plan B if she won't leave. I suppose I will have a tough decision to make if it comes to that.

I think for now the best thing for me to do is continue Plan A. I have agreed to stop butting into WW's business, limit relationship talk, and will work on being positive and meeting as many of her ENs as I can. I will see how long I can stand it. I know she still has contact with OM at work and maybe beyond but I don't think so. I will build up as much love as I can before I am eventually forced (perhaps) to make the next decision.