How are you expected to go through the anger phase and not LB? Realistically, when someone is angry, they can’t be expected to be rational and not burst out something with LBing potential. The whole idea of how we naturally go through this crisis and to make sure you don’t LB contradicts itself.

I’m in between the anger and depression phase right now, but I find it difficult to move on if I cannot express what is TRULY on my mind. I want to scream, shout, and yell at her for what she has done to me… not to us, but to me. I feel that everything she did was a selfish act and therefore I cannot say that anything she did was against us, but against me.

She knew EXCATLY what she was doing the whole time and yet still has the nerve to say “I never stopped loving you.” My broken heart wants to say that she just didn’t finish the statement by ending it with “unless I was with him having sexual relations of some sort.”

Part of my depression is because I feel I can’t say what’s on my mind and not LB. This whole “don’t LB” thing is a double edged sword that only seems to cut at me. The truth is that I really can’t say anything new that she hasn’t heard, but I still try to remain conscious of my actions so I won’t LB.

Now she’s going through the withdrawal phase and that makes me angry because I’m supposed to be sympathetic towards her feeling. Where were her feelings towards me when she was in his bed? Where were her feeling towards me when she would look at me in the eyes and say, “I’m off to spend the night at my mom’s” when it was actually to be with him? Where were her feelings when she would see me the next day and say how much fun she had last night at karaoke?

What about my withdrawals? There’s nothing that can be done during my WDs. No one really thinks about the BS and the WDs they will experience. The WS can easily fall off the wagon and call the OP, but the BS will never be able to fall of the wagon in hopes to get their marriage back. We are forced to go through WD and nothing but time can help us.

So, if I seem selfish right now with some of my comments then guess what… TOO BAD. You created this he!! we are living in. All of us BS have the right to feel selfish about this [email]cr@p[/email] and the WS had better shut up and just listen to us. We’re all angry because of what you did to us. We didn’t force you to go to the OP. We didn’t force you to have relations with the OP. And we certainly didn't force you to not tell us when something was wrong so that it would never get to this point. Instead, you sharpened up your lying skills to have a secret affair as long as it made you feel good. Well, how do you feel now?

Sorry, just had to vent. Whew… I feel better. Thanks for listening. Hmm… where’s my beautiful wife? I need to tell her how much I love her.

I think it is important to express your feelings. How will she ever know how much she hurt you if you do not explain it to her. If you do not express your hurt maybe she will feel what she did was no big deal. Expressing you true pain and hurt is not love busting. It is calmly expressing how painful and destructive her actions were toward you and what you are feeling now. How is she to know how you feel and what she has done to her without telling her. These are the consequences of her actions. I would not be afraid to ask the question you mentioned if you never stopped loving you then why was she in bed loving someone else? I think I would have found it difficult not to reply if I ever have sex with another woman I just want you to know that I also would never stop loving you. I think she would have then seen how ridiculous her statement was to you.

Well I am one WS who felt it was okay for my H to vent. Of couse it hurt me and I cried alot. But I knew what I had done was way worse. My only problem is it went on for 7 months and eventually led to him having an A and leaving. He was never getting his anger out, but instead just trying to hurt me.

I know in the beginning he felt horrible when he said the things you said.

Here's the thing - you are allowed to express your anger, but when you express it in a LB way - you hurt her, which in fact then makes you feel bad for hurting her - not then but maybe later when you calm down.

There are ways to express HOW angry you are without being cruel about it.

And then never stopped loving you thing - sadly, it's probably true. She probably compartmentalized you and OM, so her love for you never got mixed up with how she felt about OM, and like me, never really wanted to LEAVE the marriage, but was going through some very entitlistic and selfish behaviors ultimately leading to her last deed, which hurt you more than life iteself.

And you DONT seem selfish - so don't think that you are. You are hurt, you are angry and you're wife is going through withdrawel and hasn't been able to start the recovery with you where she can make YOU feel loved and YOU feel good...you're whole paragraph there, as selfish as you feel you sound - you aren't - you are dead on - that's the sad part for us WS, there is no spinning it to look good, we did what we did and it was horrible. No excuses. It's why the remorse can be overwhelming.

Get your anger out anyway you can, but let me tell you from being on the receiving end of that anger...try not to direct the nastyness to your W, tell her you are angry - let her know HOW angry, but avoid the nasty words. Her self esteem may be rock bottom and she has to begin the journey of getting back out. she will have no reason to get out as the stuff you are saying, if she is truly remorseful, she will believe everything you say to her out of anger, that she is rotten no good person.

That's the truth of a WS once they are out of the fog and truly remorseful, they feel like such crap - that they will believe anything you say to them out of anger - they will feel they are the pieces of crap you are telling them you are. building up the self confidence after being a WS is a very long long journey. So find a way to express that anger - make sure she KNOWS how angry and hurt you are...but try not to spit out the first thing that comes to mind.

No...venting really isn't ok, at least at the WS, because things are often said in the heat of the moment that just can't be undone that easily.

No matter how hurt the BS is, the BS is NOT entitled to vent in a hurtful manner.

You need to find outlets for anger, and find a third party to talk to (like IC). Go out and buy a punching bag, hang it in the garage. Write out your anger in letters - that you never ever let your WS see. Get out the feelings, but not at the expense of the WS.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't tell your WS how you feel. They absolutley need to hear what damage they have done. But the rage, the anger and the vents need to go elsewhere if you are going to recover your marriage.

Thanks BrambleRose,

I was just about to post another venting letter but I decided to read this thread first. Not sure why, but I did. After reflecting and going back to read the "almost" post I realized that it was nothing but pure LBing and attacking her with comments that I would have regreted for a long time. So, I took you advice and I just saved it onto my computer so that I can add to it later if I ever feel the urge. It will probably be the size of a book when I'm done, but it will be my venting book that will help us get through all of this.

So, my wife just came in and knew something was wrong. Instead, I just looked at her and said that I'm just hurting and that I still love her. We both held each other and cried. No LBing comments.

One of my problems is that I studied karate for 12 years and they teach you to react... not think. I feel that some of this may have drifted into some other parts of my brain and so I just have knee-jerk reactions and respond poorly at times. This time I did not. A step in the right direction I hope.

(((Hopeful4future)))

I know too well about the overwhelming anger.

Don't bottle it up.

Sounds like you need to put some extra effort into some Karate workouts!