Dear Fox,

Good to hear from you. U had us very worried. You see how many MB parents and siblings you have here, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now stand still while I give you an MB whop.....hold still, ready.....WHOP!!! Thunk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> There that's what you get for making us worry so. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You are surprised we care soo much? That is how it is suppose t/b Fox. This world nowadays is filled w/2 many NOT caring. WS' type attitudes are soo prevalent that 2 care is a rarity. It s/b normal. Neighborly love was a good thing not a scarcity.

E-mail me when you can. Got some info to pass on. These good folks here were worried. Some of them have e-mailed me several times each. We know you w/b ok but we want you t/b safe. So let's get you in contact with those in your area so you will have a closer support group, ok?

take care,
L.

Fox,

Glad you're better...anyone who has survived what you already have experienced from your childhood + infidelity - has the strength to succeed in the future...Orchid's right -you just need a close support team!

Orchid, you're the best!!!

I see great things in the future for Fox. Young man, you have endured a lot and still exhibit qualities that most your age cant even comprehend. I think the Fox Story is going to be a very good one filled with faith, hope and eventually triumph. Count me as a Fox fan!

Me also. Fox, you have learned some things at 20 that it took me until my late thirties to find out about. So, understand that with these life lessons, God is making you stronger. Just like my pastor said two weeks ago, "scars are stronger than the skin they replaced. Bones dont break where they were broken before...they are stronger there."

You have learned some valuable lessons thru this. While none of us know the road Shannon will take and if that will ever again include you, we do know that Aaron has been looking at his trials as life lessons. And that no matter who ends up beside you, they will have a better husband because of it.

If I could have known at 29 when I got married, what I know now...my marriage would have been much more successful...and I doubt an affair would have happened. But I do know that I could have never known these things I know now without going thru the Valley. I had to be taught along the way.

Keep trusting the Lord. The Israelites wandered thru the desert for 40 years. They depended on food falling from the sky everyday. Get to that point, Fox. Get to the point where you understand that you will NOT make it thru tomorrow without Him.

Once you fully understand that, then life becomes a whole lot easier. Because He said He will always provide. Just as He provided a place for you to stay this week, when just a few days ago you thought yourself homeless. God answers prayers!

So, take what you have learned and move forward. And never forget what you have learned. About yourself, about life. And about God.

In His arms.

As the scripture says "I even provide for the sparrows of the earth. Are you not greater in my eyes than sparrows?"
This is something I think about when I start wondering about the economic ramifications of my sitch as my M winds down and the D becomes final. So, while I am saying this to Fox, it also applies to me as well.

No kidding. I wish I knew this stuff at 20.

Fox, I know you don't feel very "lucky" right now, but you are.

Ahh, to be 20 again with the knowledge I have now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"Ahh, to be 20 again with the knowledge I have now."

So true. I'd even take 30 again.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> well, yeah <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I figured as long as I was wishing for the impossible... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Fox, You sound so much better! We are all proud of you! I would like to read that diary - so promise to keep us updated.

And it's finished.

We have known each other since December 10th, 1999

Our marriage lasted one year, five months and twenty five or so days. February 13th, 2004 - August 10th, 2005.

While it wasn't a long stitch, it was filled with memories I will never forget, nor regret as long as I live. Our goodbyes today were tearful on both ends - but our marriage came to a peaceful conclusion this afternoon when I signed the divorce papers and said my goodbyes.

Shannon came over this morning, I spent the day being supportive of her and smiled the whole way through - you guys have given me such strength. I didn't cry until I picked up the pen to sign the divorce papers; then I looked her in the eyes one last time and asked her, "Are you positive from the bottom of your heart that this is what you want? If this is going to make you happy; although I don't agree with this divorce, I will sign these papers. I'm not here to shackle you down to me." Tears came from her eyes as she said "Yes." and I signed the papers.

As I walked her to her car, I stopped her in the road and asked her if I could have savor one last kiss of my wife's sweet lips - she agreed; told me she would like the same, and we embraced in which, ironically had been the most romantic kiss either of us had given one another in nearly a year.

As I withdrew, I looked into her tear-filled eyes and kissed her on the forehead, after which I knelt forward and whispered in her ear,

"Shannon, as I say goodbye - I want to leave you saying one thing. NEVER settle for anything other than the best; don't EVER let anyone tell you you aren't worth the world, because you are. You deserve to be happy; never settle for anything less. Never be ashamed of who you are or afraid to stand up for yourself; and always remember that God made you who you are for a reason. Because you are YOU."

As she began to shake emotionally, tears streaming down her eyes, I wiped the tears from her eyes, I let her go from the tightest hug she's ever given me and began to walk back to the house - as I waved goodbye I looked at her and placed my palm over my heart, looking her in the eyes; she nodded in tearful affirmation and left.

I then went to church and spent the night getting right with God looking for guidance. I had a man I didn't even know begin praying for me, and felt the most incredible security inside myself and my heart. I left church feeling good about life, however, still saddened for my wife - I worry about the direction she's headed. I filled out a prayer request for my wife and turned it in anonymously to the church I attended, and prayed for her safety and relationship with God; as well as her family and any men that might be in her life at the moment.

My friend and I then stopped by his friend's house, the family there is Christian; by the end of the night, I had found myself having opened up completely to them, explaining my story to them about my marriage - and they all agreed that I deserved better; my heart longed to defend Shannon, but I couldn't find the words, nor could I justify her actions of the past in anyway, no matter how hard I tried.

I feel that this is the best thing for me in my life right now, but I can't help but miss her. I am sad, yet I feel no remorse that she is gone, not because I don't love her - but merely because I miss the good times; a process I know is normal. I can't help but think about her, about her sleeping alone in her bed; this terrible feeling in my heart that she's headed down a direction in life that won't be easy, I pray to God that she can stand on her two feet without God in her life - because she doesn't seem to want to come to God again - I pray one day she escapes the lies and comes to know Christ again.

Please, pray for my ex-wife. Pray that she will be safe on her journey through life, and that she can avoid the mistakes and consequences that her mother has suffered - more than anything, please pray for her happiness.

I told her I would be here for her as a big brother, and that if anyone EVER hurt her, they would have to answer to me - this made her cry even harder this evening - I don't know why. I told her that I would be here for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on, but that our relationship as intimates was over. I have no problem being here for her as a friend and as an example of Christ's undying love for one another - something I want to be for her; an example. I decided last night that I refused to leave this relationship bitter and indifferent - but that I would be here to support her and be a good influence in her life; this is something she needs more than anything right now, and I'm glad I can give that to her. God is giving me the sense of peace I need to be around her while giving her this support.

One day, my wife may grow up; and if that day comes - who knows what will happen. I have laid the future in God's hands now; where I stand if my wife comes around someday is His decision; not mine. I'm not going to wait around for her, nor am I looking for anyone else right now. All I know, is that if one day, she comes back to me, before I EVER think about marrying her again, I will be sure we date for like three years before we marry again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> She has to prove to me that she's ready if a next time ever occurs; and I'm not holding my breath - I'm merely looking forward to seeing where God takes me in life, especially after growing like I have over the past two years. I don't NEED Shannon in my life; however, I will keep the door open; I can't read the future, so for me to say I would not allow her to come back is unfair. Either way, I am at peace with myself as a person; something I am grateful for.

I'm going to begin a diary tomorrow - please hold me accountable; I always start things like these and stop, but I would sincerely like to continue this. I want to record my life from the day of my divorce and see where God takes me both as a man of God, and a man of character; I want to see myself grow years from now when I look back on this.

God bless you all. I love you.

-Aaron

Wow Aaron,

For a young whippersnapper, you wrote with such wisdom and feeling. I know you are sad and that is perfectly understandable. The way you handled it was exceptionally mature. I am very proud of you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Time will tell, how Shannon w/b. For you, your future is ahead of you. Move forward with wisdom. Do not lose your humility and ability to learn.

I certainly respect your decision and do ache for your pain but know time will heal your heart and you will not only survive but thrive.

Be well.

L.

Hey Fox,
Funny how your divorce has paralleled mine over this summer. I just signed my papers last night too. I felt sad because I didn’t feel any remorse towards my WW. She held my hand and we also kissed some. I felt cold and indifferent the whole time I was with her though. She wanted me to go out to eat with her afterwards but I told her that it made me uncomfortable to do so. I really have no desire to “hang out” with her anymore. I feel anger and some resentment towards her. I know this will past eventually, but for now this is how I feel. She wants us to remain friends but I just don’t see it.

I had great plans for us this summer since I was off from grad school. I still can’t believe that months later we are going through a divorce. Unfortunately the summer of ’05 will always be remembered for this. I’m kind of ready for school to start and the season to change. I love fall and the changes that occur in nature, hopefully this will mirror the changes within me. Good luck Fox. I think about you a lot and this experience will really set you up for great things in the future. Just remember that.

Fox

you have won a lot of respect here with your maturity and strength and even your tears.

It is time for you to spend time on you and schooling, discover and develop your potential and start to heal & enjoy life again.

Just make sure you drop by every now & then let us know how you are going, at least before end of September when I'll be deployed again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Cheers

A2

THat'll be enough of that....just about made me tear up and that just isn't a pretty sight..

Good Luck Fox...talk soon and bless you

Fox - My prayers go up for you and Shannon.

Your entire set of posts has come since I have been here, and you have listened, learned, yielded to God, and accepted the wisdom that HE sent to you. You have set an example for many of us.

You are a good man. We will all watch as you move forward. PLEASE continue to journal here. Hold your head high, your chest out. YOU are a REAL MAN. A man of dignity. A man of honor.

Aaron - God has a special, wonderful plan for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

far

Hey guys -

I've got to make this quick because I need to finish packing.

I'm leaving for school tomorrow morning. My best friend Pete is on his way to come get me now. Here we go with life!

I won't have the internet for a few weeks while I'm getting resettled in Shannon and I's old apartment. I promise to come back as soon as I get the internet back! Lots of love guys, I wish you all the best while I'm gone! You're in my thoughts and prayers!

-Aaron

PS: If its not too much to ask, could you guys pray for me? I'm really nervous about going back to Pullman - I have a bad feeling that there will be a few more tears before this process comes to a close <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Good luck, Aaron.

My sister and her family live just an hour from Pullman. Again, call out here if there is anything we can do to help you.

Even if you just want to talk in person.

With lots of prayers,

Well, this last night at home before leaving for Pullman has been very hard.

For lack of better words, I've been in a way, emotional. I haven't cried, nor have I been depressed per se; however, I have noticed that I've been very, very, uneasy.

My heart pounds when I lay down, I feel very anxious and uptight. You were all right when you told me that this process is all but over. I thought that signing the divorce papers would do exactly the opposite that its doing. I thought I would feel release from these emotions that were haunting me for awhile, but in a way - I feel them coming back.

Maybe its just my nerves on end; but I'm very nervous about going home to Pullman - things will turn around eventually.
I'm going to need lots of prayers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My wife tried contacting me again this morning - but I was asleep. She has begun signing her e-mails "Love, Shannon" and saying "Love you" for some reason that I'm still unaware of.

Her best friend that was talking to me the other day also made it painfully obvious that she's upset about Shannon's decision to leave me; especially after I brought out the issues that Shannon has obviously kept those closest to in the dark about - like the OM's house that night; the lying -everyone thought I was checking up on Shannon for no reason.

Her best friend expressed that I'm the best thing that ever happened to Shan, and told me that she was going to talk to Shannon and try to convince her that this was a bad decision. I told her I had no desire that she did so; that if she did so it was HER decision to do so, because she WANTED to; not because I was asking her to - she still said she wanted to, which surprised me.

Life has been, for the most part, very confusing over these last few days. I know I still love my wife - and I miss her, moving on is a process that has been very emotional and eye opening. I'm looking forward to moving forward in my life; but I still look forward to contact with my wife. I have this horribly strong feeling in my heart that she will come back to me some day in the not so distance future looking for a relationship again - I don't know where I'll be when it happens. I'm not looking forward to it; nor am I expecting it or anticipating it, but I do have a very gut feeling; (one of those feelings that are usually right, and we are all familiar with) that she will come back to me.

Tomorrow when I get to Pullman I'm going to look into getting my internet set up and having the bills switched over to solely my name and not my wife's. Shannon has been gracious over the last few days; told me I could keep the furniture in the house and has been worried about my living situation, and wants me to call her when I get there to let her know that I made it there safely. She also gave me yesterday a new cell phone number that she has - as well as took several pictures of me on her camera...hm.

I'm looking forward to starting school, and I'm very glad that I have a heavy course load to keep my mind off of issues - especially because I know things are going to come crashing down on Shannon soon - and I know she's going to want me to be there for her when it happens as support (which isn't wrong in any respect.)

Shannon is going to have to start paying back her loans - which will be about $100 a month for the next 10 years or so if she sticks to the monthly payments. Her car insurance is going up to over $200 a month now that she won't be married anymore, and has tickets and accidents on her record as opposed to my perfect driving record. She's got a credit card as of now that she will need to be making payments on, as well as many other expenses including her new cell phone, gas, etc. I worry about her.

She's not making a ton of money, and appearantly her job cut her hours back a tad. She's already stressed and the rest of these money payments aren't even in her life. She's going to get hit with a hard dose of reality soon - I hope she can stay strong. I have a bad feeling she's going to need my suppot emotionally really soon.

I hope everyone is well, I've been thinking about you all.
I will see you all in a week or so; until then - I'm off! We leave for Pullman tomorrow at 6 in the morning, and then I'm on my own again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care everyone - don't be shy.

If you need anything e-mail me at fox0r_owns_you@Hotmail.com

Lots of love,

Aaron

Fox,

Good to hear from you and glad you are moving forward. Lots of emotions go into each move. Even more so in your case.

Still your progress is amazing. So keep up the good work and here's an {{{MB hug}}}.

Aloha,
L.

The move is complete, I'm in Pullman.

Actually, I have been for nearly a week - I haven't had time to reply; well..honestly, I probably did but the shock of being back has destroyed any need I had to write anything about this entire situation.

I will admit, when I left for Pullman I was scared; I didn't know what to expect or what kind of emotions would hit me when I got here. As we were on the road, about ten minutes out of Pullman I began to worry and get a little apprehensive, I got really sick to my stomach and became very quiet - my friend Pete noticed it immediately, simply stating that it'd all be okay.

As we pulled into the city, the stomach ate went away, and so did any feeling of sadness I thought I would have. I wasn't sad, in fact - I was a little glad to be back knowing that I'm moving forward in my life and have a mere two years of school left.

We went directly to my friend's new apartment and I helped him and his roommate move their stuff into the apartment after which he drove me to my W and I's old apartment; I only had about two bags with me this summer so it wasn't hard moving my things in. As we pulled up into the parking lot, I began to feel an emotion that I never expected would hit me when we got back to town; rage.

As we pulled up into the parking lot my wife and I pulled into so many times before after going out and doing things or going to class, etc; and I saw our car wasn't there, nor would it ever be again, I began to feel the true extent of the betrayal; now it didn't just seem like a dream like before; it seemed all too real - my blood began to boil.

As we began to step out of the car, I looked at Pete and told him that I had never felt so furious in my life, he sympathized and we began to walk to my apartment; my fists were clenched tightly around my bags, I felt like I was going to tear them into pieces. As we rounded the corner and I saw the number on the door in our apartment and noticed the front curtain propped up against a box (from Shannon packing the week she told me she was leaving for home for the summer and separating from me) the anger escalated; the feeling of betrayal was overwhelming; I tried to hold it in, but I couldn't. I exclaimed a strategically placed cuss word loudly and dropped my bags on the cement. I reached into my pocket and grabbed the key out of my pocket and walked up to the door. As I inserted the key into the keyhole, I braced myself and opened the door slowly. As the door opened, I was overcome with an instant array of memories and broken promises; it was a feeling I will never forget in my life as long as I live.

As I took my first step in the door, I dropped to one knee and began well up, I tried my hardest to hold it in and fought back the tears to the best of my ability; managing to do so for the time being. As I stood up and looked around our living room, my mind began to race. The memories were incredibly strong and vivid. Each object in our house that I looked at activated a thought or picture in my head about Shannon and I; the pain became even greater and more real as I looked into the hall near our bathroom at our bedroom door which was shut. The hole I punched in our bedroom door out of anguish and hopelessness the night my wife spent the night at the OM's house and left me alone in the house to ponder her actions alone was still there; it was like I was reliving the experience all over again, it was horrible. Everything in the house was ripping at my heart, I grabbed what I needed and immediately got out of the house - I couldn't be there.

I spent the next two days at Pete's house, and finally, decided I couldn't run from the pain anymore. I spent the next night in my apartment alone for the first time since my wife stayed at the OM's house - only the 2nd time in two years.

As I opened our bedroom door and looked into our room and saw our empty bed, I dropped to my knees on the floor and pounded the ground futilely, looking for some form of release; I began to cry violently.

As I laid on the floor and convulsed, my head buried in my hands, I let out several cries of anguish and despair, raising my eyes methodically to scan our bedroom and feed my desire to remember the good that came so many months ago; I cried harder, gripping the teddybear my wife gave me nearly two years ago the first day I came home to see her from Pullman when we began dating; as my knees buckled and I sprawled outward on the floor, the teddybear pressed tightly between my arm and the floor letting out an "I love you! I love you!" that instantly brought back a hundred more memories of my wife and I. Shocked and shaken, I grabbed the bear, through my tears, exclaimed a declaration of silence upon the foul thing and threw it across the room into the wall at which, upon impact, it defiantly proclaimed that, "I love you! I love you!" again. Through the tears came a small chuckle aimed at the irony of what had just happened, which was soon engulfed by the memories in the house that were devouring everything in their sight.

At this point, I realized that night was drawing near and that I needed to do something to get myself support and find strength within myself; I thought back to all of the words of encouragement from my friends and my family and from you guys and went immediately to the only thing I knew I could draw strength and refuge in; my Bible. I plugged in my computer and put on some of my favorite worship music. I turned the volume up as loud as it would go and opened the windows in my house; I had a proclaimation - God was great and through Him I could do all things; especially get through this ordeal and begin the growth I needed as a man. I needed strength and I needed it from Him - boy did I get it.

As the music came on and I began to praise God, I began to cry again, not out of sadness; but happiness and security. I was so amazed at how lucky I am to have such an amazing Father in my life. These feelings of security and love engulfed me as I began to sing louder; through the tears a huge smile came to my face and I really got into it. It was amazing - I was so happy; through the pain, God grabbed my hand and pulled me off my knees and onto my feet back to the place he wanted me to be - standing tall as a man of God and a man of integrity.

Immediately, I packed up EVERYTHING of my W's and threw it in our bedroom and closed the door tightly; I have no intention of going back in there - she can come get her stuff when she wants it. I rearranged the furniture and began putting up pictures from high school and of family; the times before my wife - I went out with my friends and had an awesome night.

The last couple days it has become painfully obvious that someone out there doesn't like my new found strength. I have been having reoccuring nightmares again; very vivid - waking me from deep sleep in the night - flooding my head with memories of my wife and the affairs; and of the memories, taunting me. The house has also become a source of indifference; the pain never stops tugging at me; but I continue to stand strong and fight it face to face. I won't back down.

I start school Monday; sure enough - my wife who proclaimed how important that my relationship as a friend with her is hasn't contacted me since I left and showed no signs of doing so - she has gone back to her dating website - hmmm, she told me the night I signed the papers that she needed to be divorced because she couldn't be with ANYONE right now; that she wasn't ready to, and that she needed to be alone - hahaha...and I believed her? Wow..I don't even care about the woman my wife is anymore; it shows testament to the true nature of her heart; one of selfishness. She lied to me so many times; and its all shining through now. I tried calling her once after I got back - she told me she was watching a movie with her mom and that she couldn't really talk - thats when I finally came out of my own personally fog and realized that she doesn't give a crap about me - I haven't talked to her since nor do I feel any reason to or even desire to. We all know that she's going to hit rock bottom sooner or later; the Bible says so - she isn't through with this by a long shot; I hope she realizes that she needs help before she causes any worse damage to herself; she's in for a long road.

The internet isn't set up at my place yet; it will be in a week, I'm at Pete's right now. I have become a new person as of late; I've begun working out again and I have a job already.

Anyhow, there's a lot more to go into, but I need to head out - Pete and I are throwing a BBQ and need to get ready, people will be here in about forty minutes and I'm on here typing.

I hope everyone is doing great - I missed you guys.

Write back!

-Aaron

PS: Why is it I have impecable timing of posting on the weekends? LOL.