Hello all, don't post very often but read the profound and great advice here nearly everyday. I discovered my WW's approx 9 mo A last Jan (was a long term EA and then the 9 mo PA) and we'd been working hard on recovery since. I think I've been good at plan A and she'd broken contact w/ the OM with 2 exceptions she told me about - both single phonecalls (Feb & May). Trust and honesty seemed to have been getting re-established and we'd had many heart to hearts. She's actually done better than I expected b/c I've had to leave twice for 7 weeks and then again for 9 weeks due to my job (in the military) since the Jan 05 D-day.

Problem is, last week I discovered an email to the OM she'd sent 3 weeks ago. BTW - he's in a loveless marriage, I know b/c we used to be friends. In her email, she professes her undying love & wonders how he could break contact and let her go so easily. It was desperate, pathetic and very hard for me to read. She said the email and her work phone was secure (works from home) and she'll always "throw herself into the fire for him." Needless to say, my trust was instantly shattered, I confronted her and she said she slipped back into the destructive pattern of the A. She said they had only talked, she'd gotted closure and she was sorry she'd done it. She asked for another chance, promised to resume counseling (IM and MC) and has no problems with me checking her email and vx mail.

I'm close to Plan B, but think I'll give her the chance. We have 2 great kids and I'm not ready to shatter their lives yet. My W and I also have grown closer these last 6 mo through our recovery efforts. She is a skilled liar though and I have a hard time believing she can hold it together and not give in to her deep & apparently permanent feelings for the OM, they were "soulmates" of course and he touched her in all the right ways, thank you very much. Her ego wants to know if the OM still wants her; she can't seem to get that it doesn't matter b/c I still love her and want her.

Is this part of the WS script? You work and get very close but then the FWS reaches out and contacts the OP, thus sending you both back to square one? How can she build trust with me when I'm suspicious she'll break NC again? Seems like Plan B may be inevitable and I don't want that, she says she doesn't want that either. I have to go away again for 2 months over the Thanksgiving & Christmas holidays, tough times ahead.

Me (BS) 41
W (WS) 38
M 15 yrs
D Day Jan 05
Kids - 2

Have you exposed to the OM's W? That would probably save you from having to go to Plan B and avoid all this on again, off again contact.

NC often takes several tries to finally stick. It took several tries in my wife's case, and her EA hadn't lasted nearly as long as what you've described.

Personally, I'd make it clear to your wife that this is her LAST chance for this...that you won't tolerate ANY further contact of any kind with OM...PERIOD. And...since she told OM that her cell phone and email are 'safe'...she needs to find a way to PROVE to you that contact doesn't resume via these vehicles either (show you phone records, give you access to her email, whatever...).

ML & Owl,
Thanks for the replies. No, I haven't let the OMW know about the renewed contact since it seems like my W is the pursuer. I did talk to her in Jan after I'd discovered the A but not since. He's open and available to contact (passive mode) and will follow along but doesn't appear to be the one who initiated it.

My W has weak moments, she knows this is my last straw and I've made it clear that I'm going out on a limb (again) for her. I'd said many times that honesty is what I want and need, I told her I'd let her go if she had to be w/ the OM (since they were "soulmates"), she said she wanted to be w/ me. I think if we were to split up it would be a tragedy for both of us and something we'd regret for the rest of our lives. I can't live with a dishonest person though or one who disregards her vows.

She knows I check the celphone and now check her her email and vx mail accts. I guess where there is a will to contact the OM, than it can be done w/out my knowing it. This past time, she said she'd thought they could check on each other once in a while b/c they'd always had some contact and friendship during the 9 yr EA (our families have been stationed near each other). I told her that was a slippery slope back to an A and not an acceptable condition for us to be together. My IC said if there is something going on, then it will surface. Scary, b/c I don't trust my W to be strong enough to never contact this OM who she has such deep desperate feelings for. I don't want to end up in Plan B or worse.

No Way

Still struggling with what my FWW said in a secret email to OM a couple of weeks ago, whether it was fog & babble or true. In it she said she's "never given totally herself to someone like she did w/ him," and she "loves him always and forever". I could go on but it was hard to read and pathetic at the same time. The email confirmed they'd had two phone calls since D-day that I'd known about, so I don't think the A was continuing, but I'm really disturbed that she reached out after maintaining NC for a few months, including though one of my deployments.

We're going to return to MC but that's been hard b/c my assignment requires me to be gone every few months (on a ship). I believe she's being true in the email and wonder if more contact is inevitable? I've done a good job at plan A since Dday but it makes me fearful of what lies ahead for us - plan B if this keeps up.

I don't post often but come here alot, I sincerely appreciate the opinions of those experienced in babble? Has contact been broken months down the road when you thought you were doing well? I think she's back to NC but I've been deceived before.

V/r,
No way
BS (me) 41
FWW 38
M 15 yrs
K s 11 & d 8
EA 9 yrs / PA 10 mo
Dday Jan 19, 2005

Really ... you need to copy that email and all other evidence you have (like phone records) and take it (if possible hand-carry it) to OM's wife.

I see no valid reason NOT to do this.

NC ... 100% is the single most important indicator for success.

You should not take your wife's word ... not yet.

EXPOSE to OM's wife ... or we will likely be having this conversation again ... in the future.

PS ... Your wife, if sincerely remorseful, would want OM's wife to KNOW about the continued contact.

Pep,

I don't trust my W, I had been building to that until I found this secret email. I hadn't told OMW about this contact. Actually, we've only spoken once and that was right after D-day when I discovered the A. I sent her 1 month of the celphone records from back then as evidence and told her she can contact me anytime if she needs something else (never did).

Since my W seems to be the pursuer, I've been reluctant to bring more pain into their house (no problem bring pain to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, but she doesn't deserve it). They have a loveless M too, I'm not anxious to force any issues there.

Back in May, after W told me about their last contact, I'd sent OM an email to let him know I knew and to stay away. He seems to have done that until my W reached out a few weeks ago. He's passive but seems to be able to wait my W out until/if she wants to re-engage? I just wish she were strong enough not to but have major doubts about her trusting her again and her willpower. That's something we need to address in MC.

No way

So, are you saying this ---> "I am not going to expose this to OM's wife."

yes

or

no

No, don't plan to b/c it would give them (W & OM) another reason to contact each other. Seems that my W's weakness is something we need to work on and exposing a feeble attempt by my W only hurts whatever recovery they may have going on over there.

I certainly am open to the voices of experience here though. Thought things were getting better but now question our recovery.

No way

good luck to you

I wish you success

NoWay, if you tell the OMW, there is a better chance that it will stop because she can try and stop it from that end. She needs to be alerted about any contact and shown the emails that your W sent to the OM. Just that exposure to the OMW will cause huge conflict in the affair and will make your W think twice about contacting him.

Yours is a classic example of why its so important to keep the OP's spouse in the loop. Your W is now free to pursue the OM because the OMW thinks the affair has ended and no one has told her the truth.

Exposure will ruin your W's fantasy when it is exposed to the light of day. I would also suggest exposing her to her family, your family and any close friends.

ML and Pep,

I sincerely appreciate the advice and experience. After I told the OMW, I'd heard through my W, who heard through one of her early post D-day contacts with OM, that his wife was major LG'ing - throwing things, screaming, etc. Heard he had to buy her a new house to appease her. She and they are not on the MB plan even though I suggested it on our first and only contact.

I've only told a close mutual friend, not our families. My W told her mom and some other friends. I hadn't told my family b/c my W is very highly thought of by them, she's very generous and loving.

You all are making me re-think my strategy and I need the second opinions since I haven't confided in many people.

V/r,
No way

I vote for exposure to the OMW as well. She needs to know that she still has to play defense.

I'm not a MB expert or anything, but my reasoning is this: if I think another woman is after my husband--I will freak out for about fifteen minutes. And then I'll scrape myself off the floor and make myself the much more attractive option in a big way. Lots of SF, home-cooked meals, no nagging, cute pajamas... the whole nine yards.

That's what you want the OMW to do right now.

No Way, that means that the OM does not want any trouble, which is even more reason to contact her. He will work harder to cut off your W's communications.

Exposure to her family is a very effective way of blowing the fantasy wide open. It puts the WS in a position of having to explain her sleazy affair to her family. When she does that, she is forced to see it through the eyes of others. This causes great doubt and causes the fantasy to start crumbling.

Have you spoken to her Mother? Why not give her a call and tell her the affair is still on and ask for her support in ending it? If it was your W who told her about the affair, did her M get the true story? Do you know for a FACT that she told her mother?

Also, the OMW needs to know this hasn't ended so, as Elle put it, she can play defense from that end. If she knows what is going on, she can work harder to watch things. She may be ignorantly thinking that everything is over and its not.

Also, if your W finds out that you have contacted her, that means she has spoken to the OM, which would warrant ANOTHER call to the OMW telling her that her H has contacted your W again.

As the OPW I would want to know.
So tell her so she can plan A her own marriage.
I really wish someone would have told me sooner that my H was making an A$$ out of himself while he was still sitting on the fence.

Faith

Got a issue from my W's IC session that she told me about. The IC wants a second opinion from a psychiatrist to look at whether my W has some form of OCD, personality disorder or some chem inbalance. During her three episodes of broken contact w/ OM since the Jan D-day (she told me about 2 and I discovered the other three wks ago), she's given in to her impulses and the IC seems to want the second opinion to see if there's more at play then just a lack of self-control.

What to do if there's a mental illness that may be a casuative factor in these incredibly poor choices? How does one draw and enforce boundaries if contact is broken but maybe they couldn't control themselves?? I'm one who believes in accepting personal responisbility but have to acknowledge mental illness, it does run in her family. I love her, want to get her fixed if she's broken but I can't accept a renewed A and have told her so.

Anyone else have psych issues underlying an A (probably a bunch of folks) and the WS inability to control themselves due to a chem inbalance?

V/r, No Way

I can speak directly to this as I was diagnosed OCD BECAUSE of my obsession with the OW even 18 months after the affair was over. You must understand that people who are OCD CAN control themselves...they just might need a little extra help learning how. I had a great counselor that gave me some good tools to identify WHEN I was starting to obsess and ways to control it. I can't tell you how relieved I was to understand that I had a mental issue AND that I had a way to control it.

I was able to put away my obsession with the OW by understanding that it was all about me...in my head.

Do I still get those thoughts? Occasionally...but they don't terrify me and drive me into a tailspin because I know where they're coming from and how to manage them.

I find great peace in knowing that I CAN control myself. No reason to live in fear of my own feelings anymore.

While it might help you to know this about your wife, you should not cut her any slack about contact. My wife made it crystal clear to me...if I violated NC, we were through. The way she said it made me know she meant business. There would be no 'plan B' or any other plan.

I'd suggest you make the same thing very clear to her.

Low

Low Orbit,

Thanks for the reply and I agree w/ you not to make my boundary gray b/c of her possible OCD. I need to keep it clear for my own sanity too. I had already given her a draft of my plan B letter after discovering her secret email. I said this is coming at the next lie or a return to the A.

I think my W does have OCD b/c when she commits to something, she throws herself completely at the project. Hence a greater pain for me (and for us) in this A, knowing how devoted she must have been with this OM - "gave her whole self."

I want her to be able to control herself when she's down. Doesn't help that I am away too often due to my job, can't get out of that anytime soon b/c it's the military.

V/r, No Way