Post deleted by Faith05

Hi Faith,

first I'd like to say welcome to this site. It's the last place one wants to be but in this situation, it's a Life-saver.

Read all you can about Plan A..........that's what I'd advise you to do at the moment. Don't make any drastic life changing decisions right now.
If in any way possible, take the BEST care of yourself. Try to sleep good, eat healthy and don't neglect yourself in any way.

Your husband (WS) is in the middle of an affair and he is going through (what we call) deep FOG!!!!
Nothing you say, will make sence.............even less what he says will make sence.

It happens approx. the same way for everyone. FOG babble:
-I don't love you anymore.........actually this has been going on for a long time.
-Other person is my soul mate and she's the perfect match.
-I can talk to her as if I have known her for a life time.
-It was love at first sight.
-Divorce is the best thing for us.
-Divorce has nothing to do with other woman, I wanted it a long time.

I could go on and on..................

Read about Plan A...............then you can take the next step...............

bb

BB:

Where can we find Plan A?

Sorry still too new to this web site.

Thank you for your reply. I feel like I am all alone in this.

I'll bump this up so that others will jump in to help you with this.

hugs
bb

read this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

bb

Hello,

Its great that you foudn this site so early in your issues, but very sorry for you that you had to be here. It must be a very stressful situation. Please look after yourself, its very important right now. If you feel very depressed and very anxious, it might be a good idea to go to the doctor.

About Plan A, it means basically working on yourself to become a better spouse and exposing the A to your relatives, friends, and any others. THe idea is that the A is a secret, and it can only thrive as a fantasy. Once it becomes known and open, many WS 'wake up" and come to their senses again.

As BB points out, your H is 'in a fog', meaning, he is currently blinded by feelings of romantic love for OW. This means that you may not be able to trust him right now. Treat him as an addict - he may say and do things that woudl be totally out of character for him normally. Please doen't feel bad about checkign up on him - he is not acting in a trustworthy way just at the moment.
Keep postign and look after yourself!

Rufus and Faith

I'm so sorry you find yourselves in this situation. But I'm glad you found this site. You will find it a godsend in the coming months.

Faith, you are not alone. We may be strangers to one another, but this is a very caring site. Others who have been or are going through similar situations are here for one another. I have logged in on more than one occasion when I couldn't stop crying and felt so very alone. You'll find you connect with people and they will be here for you.

Rufus and Faith, you need to read as much as quickly as you can. At the top of this page is a red toolbar. If you click on "Basic Concepts," "Q&A" and "Articles" you'll find a great deal of valuable information. After reading, come back here and post questions to gain more insight and get advice.

Use the search feature to look for threads that deal with topics important for you. There is so much wisdom here! If you need help using the search feature, let me know and I'll try to help with step by step.

At the beginning, I read a few posts that just really fit for me and I started looking for those names. When you read a post and want to read more from that person, click on their name and you will be linked to a page that gives you some bio on the person (depends on how much they have shared). There is also a button you can click on that will link you to their past posts. It is a great way to read and learn. Try it on blondblossom's name. You'll find she has given and received a great deal of good advice and insight.

I'll admit that at the beginning, this became a part-time job. It was very hard to carve out time with my husband that didn't involve affair work. Oh, man. It was hard. I was so obsessed. But I got better at it and it became easier. What I'm trying to say is, you need to spend a lot of quality time with your spouses. You will need to put time into recovery, but be sure to spend quality time with them too.

This is a very hard road. But it is worth it. Many couples recover from this experience.....stronger and better.

God be with you.

hns

Post deleted by Faith05

Faith:
Blondblossom gave you this link to read to help you make a decision. did you get a chance to check it out? It describes Plan A & B.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Also, [color:"red"] run [/color] to the library or store and get "Surviving an Affair" ..... it will help you sooooo much!

We can tell you what we did and maybe our circumstances are similar. But it is best when you read the information and our stories and make decisions based on your own situation.

In pure MB theory, you would expose the Affair to everyone and then you would do a Plan A. The theory would go on to say that an affair can't survive the light of day. When it's exposed to reality, it loses the fantasy quality. While the "fantasy" relationship is crashing down, the reality relationship is looking good under Plan A. If after exposure and good Plan A, wayward spouse is still having "contact" with the OP, then Plan B protects your love until no contact is maintained.

Here's how I think it would go with MB theory:

*Sit down with evidence (ph calls and email) proving EA.

*Negotiate him moving home to work on the M (you deserve that). This has to include no contact with OW commitment. Since he works with her this is complicated. But very essential. Otherwise, he remains in the fog.

*Get him to commit to MB principles (mine wouldn't when I called them MB principles, but would most of it when I described things I thought would help us be stronger).

*Do a beautiful Plan A now that you know his ENs.

If I were in your shoes, I'd be trying to get him to move home. If the other woman has qualms about involvement with a M man, I'd want him under my very married roof.

Get some other opinions, faith. Read some threads, find some voices you find strong and wise. Ask them if they will help you.

I will share a little of my story with you. My situation is different. My H had a long-term affair (at least 7 years). When I discovered a voice mail, he confessed, ended the affair and has worked very hard to save our M. He continued to lie about the details ---- which is hurting us --- but he will say that inspite of all the pain this past year, he is happier than he can remember being in a long time.

Let us know how thngs are going, faith!
hns