First off, thank you all so much for your support.
Your advice, support and words mean everything to me.

Okay now...
I keep asking FWH if he loves me, wants to be with me...ect...out of insecurity I'm certain.

Last night, I got angry (had a nasty trigger). So I was clearly upset. I explained to him how I was feeling, why ect...then I said "maybe it's just easier for us to seperate...I wouldn't have to deal with all this hurt all the time..."

Today, we started talking about it over coffee. I told him that I felt angry, like leaving him would bring me revenge...
he looked at me and said..."can we just stop this nonsense and be happy together, I told you I made a mistake, I will never do that to you again...your questioning my reasons for being here, are nonsense..."

I didn't know how to respond...
What should I have said? The phone rang and interrupted us, we both agreed to talk more about this evening after work.

Thanks for all your help...

Sometimes our own insecurities can drive others away.

My H felt the same way when I would question him.

He said he constantly felt like he was being hit by enemy fire. Never knew when the next round of shots were coming or where they would come from (what would trigger them).

It's hard for the WS to understand the BS's reasoning and feelings.

Questioning your WH on a daily basis WILL push him away.

Maybe you could set up a time ONCE a week where you can discuss ALL of the feelings....that way your H will not feel like he's being ambushed all the time.

This is hard at first.....but each week it gets better....and it helps tremendously with triggers.

YOU have a right to ask any question you want....and ALL the questions you want.....BUT......too many all at one...and constantly talking about the A, past, reconsiliation....WILL push your H away.

When you have a trigger.....or a ?....right it down. Then you can discuss it in the time that you set up.

It will make a world of difference.

Right now your H is constantly on the defensive....and he sees YOU as ambushing him all the time. That's not healthy for the Recovery.

what an interesting question, thanks for asking it. Its giving me something to think about too.

This is just a suggestion, but it was something that sort of worked for me.

After my WH's A, like you I felt like I had a thousand insecurities and a thousand questions, and he said he felt like he was always bombarded with questions that hurt him. I felt like he "owed it to me" to reassure me that he Picked ME, and he felt like I was constantly hitting him with stabs to the heart.

Sooooo...we agreed on two things. First, he agreed that he would say the words "I love you" over and over again--yes, it felt repetitive to him, but it soothed me and that was just generally helpful. Second, we agreed to limit our "questions and answers" to two per day. What that means is that I could ask TWO QUESTIONS about the affair, and he would answer thoroughly, honestly and openly. Thus, I was getting my questions answered and he wasn't avoiding me or telling me to "get over it"...and he felt like there was a limit to the stabs every day and there was "an end in sight." It wasn't easy to answer those two questions, but it wasn't unending, and if it did hurt, it wasn't going to be an all-night, four-hour, knock-down, drag-out fight...just two questions.

Does that make sense?? You get to have some of the reassurance and answers that you need...but you also learn to control yourself and that you can't go on and on and on. He gets some of the "we're not dwelling on this forever" that he needs...but also learns to be open and honest and face some of the pain that the A caused.



FNCJ

(BTW, sadly, in my case, my WH decided not to honor the agreement and ended up having another big A--and eventually we did end up divorcing because of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )