My H had a two month with a co worker it was P five times.At the time i found out he did'nt tell me it was P it took another five months to come out.Anyway i found out on X-mas i founf a reciept for an item i did'nt get.It was a cheap gift.Right there all these feeling that we kept inside just poured out.Over the next few weeks he did'nt talk to her maybe a hi here and there.We kept talking about how he had to tell her he did'nt want anything to do with her.Well the day came he walked out the way she would she pretty much new anyway and did'nt care.THe way he went about it i think bothers me.He told her i found out that i had found a reciept.He was nervous they did'nt say to much more.
It bothers me why could'nt he say he loved me he was wrong.That it should not of happened.Why go about it that way?Should it matter?I know there was no feelings on either part.
#1mom

Buy the way he no longer works at the same place.He left three months into our R>

I'm in the same boat!

According to OW (she ended it because she was tired of being his 'call girl' even though she left the business, and then begged to be re-hired) She also angrily told me that he only loved her, was with me only because of the kids and because I was 'sick'.

FWH says he ended it because I was getting to close to finding out the truth, and he loved me, didn't want to lose his family (including me).
When I asked him how it ended...he said it just did because he stopped calling her and going out with her. After a while she got the hint...

I'd love to know the answer to your question as well...

I would love to know the truth about how it really ended. People have told me to listen to the OW because she has nothing to lose. Nonetheless, I caught her in so many lies during our conversation. And...she never told me that she still wanted my husband (she sent him a letter...asking again to be re-hired because she missed him!)...

Does it matter how it ended???

Numberonemom:

Hi, our stories are somewhat similar. I understand the pain/frustration/angry/sadness you are going through. I'm so sorry.

When did you find out about the PA? Recovery starts when you find out the truth and he ends contact.

Did he decide to get a new job because of the affair? That is such a good sign! My FWH's OW was a co-worker, and although she recently left the job, he also got a new job and it did wonders for our recovery.

My husband was happy to send a NC letter, which stated that he loved me. Would yours be willing to do that. Even if it's over, if it helps you recovery, that would be a good sign.

PA,
I relly don't think it does matter,i just wished he would of told her how he felt about me and he was wrong. I know he loves me.He just got caught up in helping this person with her M.she lied and told him her H beat her was cheating on her and they were getting a D.And at the same time telling my H how much she wanted to sleep with him how he was a great guy and if they had sex she would never tell.He was there to listen and got sucker in.SEE he was working 60 hrs going to school 20 hrs and had lots of homework.He won't blame OW but i think she had a big part in it.Her M now is from her being the OW Her H left his W for her. I think she should get a A+++ for being a homewrecker.She did'nt win here.
#1mom

N/C letter would be amazing for recovery!

I hate the fact that OW is walking around thinking my H is with me just because of the kids and because I was 'sick'.
ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! nothing frustrated me more.

FWH refuses to clear the air, saying he never ever wants to speak or see her again.

"I think she should get a A+++ for being a homewrecker."

So true, she is a homewrecker, even if she doesn't want to believe it. If anyone did the same exact thing to her, she would view that person as a homewrecker. That is the definition of homewrecker. My FWH and I had no chance to work on our relationship problems with a thrid party involved. I honestly just can't see how anyone with any amount of self respect would want to be the other woman, would want a relationship with a married man.

I don't know either, how someone can be second fiddle for months on end.

She told me she did everything in her power to break up our marriage, but in the end she couldn't compete with me!
(this was when she went to work drunk, yelling at everyone for giving me evidence of the A...at this point FWH told her it was over)

Anyhow...
N/C letter sounds amazing...how I would like nothing more than OW to have this from FWH.

Instead, my FWH chose to ignore her calls and her letters...and moving on with me (new house, new car ect...)

Still...I would love to know the real details of how it ended...

Viv,
I have to start again my computer locked up.What i wrote you was lost.WE do have a lot in common, i have been with my H since we were 15 yrs old.I think this is why we are having a real hard time.My H did leave his job for us.He went back to a job he had at a bank.He did'nt like it to much but he did it for me.He did leave his job before i found out it was P.He regrets not being honest from the begining.He knows how much more hurt i am he did'nt tell me from the begining.He did'nt want to lose me,he was afraid.He also says he did'nt want to hurt me any more than he has.
My problem is that when i doing good for a while the OW H would call or have her call i guess on there bad days,and want to make sure i know what he knows,stupid things like did you know it was in his house hie couch his car.God i know they had sex i don't need to know more.I know she used my H.I don't feel sorry for him.
Right now he is this amazing person.He has changed so much.
WE now know how to communicate with eachother.
I know he hurts to even now that he knows i never stopped loving him.He went out and did something so stupid that could of ended our M.I know this eats him up inside.
ONe thing also that bothers me sine he did lie in the begining about the sex i question things,like he said when school was coming to an end he sterted thinking clearly and was realizing what he was doing and it probally would'nt of went on much longer.Another thing a couple days before x-mas a few co-workers went out for two hrs this was the first time he went.I actully question now if he went or was he with her alone.some other co worker offered her house he said he had to get home.he was on at the time he said he would be.i don't always want to question these twio things.
#1mom

PA,
I don't have to worry about this OW my H was nothing more than a boy toy for her.He got used and i don't feel sorry for him.He says if he seen her on the street in a strom and she had a flat tire he would just pass her buy giving her the finger.I just want her and her H to stay away.Its been almost three months since they last called.I did change my number tho.But i wait to get some mail.I think they know there M is over so why not try to ruin ours.
I know i could be so happy,i have everything i always wanted.My H do'nt show me how sorry he is or how much he loves me so much in words or by buying me things.He shows me in his actions.He gave up so much for me.I don't think he will ever ever do this again.He says he has learned his lesson and thanks god that i gave us a chance.
#1mom

I also aked my H why he did it the way he did,why he could'nt tell her he was wrong and it should'nt of happened.That he loved me.He says he is sorry,that he did'nt even want to face her,that he got nervous.He says he'd wished he did it differently
#1mom

#1mom:

It really sounds like your FWH is doing a great job working on your marriage. He's showing remorse, he's deeply sorry for what's happened.

I know what you mean; dating since teen years does bring a whole new aspect to this.

Although he didn't tell you right away, I think it's a very good sign that he told you. So many people here would give a right hand for that. He was living with a ton of guilt and that receipt brought the truth out.

Are you guys in marriage counseling. I just can't say enough about how great it has been for us. I have had so so many questions concerns brought out in counseling. We also went to a marriage retreat for a weekend. Even if money is tight; look into it. These things meant the world to me that he was willing to do them.

On our retreat, we did retroville, we meant several couples dealing with infidelity, who had recovered. This meant so much to my FWH. I would go to bed, and he would stay up to talk with the presenting couples. He found such hope in their stories.

Our insurance only covers at most 2 sessions a month, but we use them, and it was/is such a safe place for me to bring up questions and him to bring up concerns. We did have to switch counselors as the first one was distracted and cancelled on us three times in a few months.

Although we are not recovered, we have a better marriage now. We both feel that this affair shocked us, and woke us up. We both do so much work on our marriage, we try to spend fun time together. Harley suggests 15 hours a week.

I know you're at a very hard time right now. It sounds like you have a great chance at a great recovery if you're both willing to do the work, and I think you are from what I've read.

What helped me setting a timeline, only to myself. if this doesn't get better in 6 months, I gave it my all. I will not feel quilty that I didn't try. Please try. Praying for you both for a great recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

good morning Viv,
I just read your post.I try not to come on after five or the weekends.My H really don't care for this sight.He does know i still come here.He did'nt like it when i got negative feedback.
WE did only have to sessions of MC.He switched jobs and his new job only covered soo much.It was still to much.Sometimes i feel i need to go.Hes says he would get another job just so we have the money.
To tell you the truth it took the OW and her H calling for the whole truth to come out.My H says he did'nt know how long it would of took him to tell me.After my dr put me on two ADS he was with me told her the story she wanted to kill him.She told him i could'nt handle this again.So i think that had something to do with it too.I also think he was ashamed.He was ashamed because he was so caught up in everything he had to do for work and school and listening to this OW problems which we know our lies,He did'nt have the time to see everything i was doing for him.How much i was helping him with school,doing everything myself because he had so much on his shoulders.This tears him up.
I knew from day one when all these feelings just started to come out that this is were i want to be.He thought i was going to leave and he did'nt deserve me.But after alking all night we realized we had so much to offer eachother.
We never knew how to communicate and in one night you would of thought we talked about everything all the time.

I am glad hes at a job with only 40 hrs.He also is not going back to school for a long time.This is a big step.He wants his masters so he can teach.Hes been in school at night for nine yrs.He says i'm more important now.Hes changed so much.
How long did it take you to stop with the questions?I really want to stop.I just don't know how.They are the same questions over and over.I now hes changed.I know this will NEVER happen again.I know some people will say you really don't know that.But i do.NO one has seen what he has given up.I could go on for hrs on what else hes changed.He like a new person.
I know we will recover i just hope it is soon.I think I'm the one holding it up.If i know i could be happy i don't know why i'm holding back.
Thanks for listening
#1mom

#1mom:



If you were happy right now and not holding back; I would be very worried about you right now. You were betrayed, and it’s a good sign that you’re not letting him in completely. I have read and seen examples that when forgiveness comes too soon, without the real work, it’s short lived, and can be destructive. You are not holding back recovery, it sounds like you are working through recovery.



There are so many good books available on this subject. 365 Days by Alice May, After the Affair by spring, and of course Harley’s books. Torn Asunder is a book geared towards Christians and they have a great workbook with homework to do. I agree that hubby being home is very important right now, and a second job to pay for counseling isn’t the best answer.



Some counselors do offer services on a sliding scale based on your income, or maybe your state county has a program. If there really is no way to go, maybe you guys can work on the Torn Asunder Workbook a few times a week for 20 minutes until you can go. My husband’s willingness to do assignments really helped.



Your FWH sounds like mine, he admits that he listened to sad stories of the OW and wanted to help his co-worker friend. There is another book about how friendships can easily become more called Not Just Friends.



My hubby was also going to school part-time, but has not gone back since. I’ve started encouraging him to go back. But nine years is a long time, and I’m glad he’s focusing on you right now. Time off is the right choice for awhile.



I truly believe that the WS needs to be there and soothe and help the betrayed spouse and see the pain they’ve done for recovery. And it sounds like yours is.



I used to, and still do occasionally, ask the same questions over and over. Could you two set aside a night or two a week for you to ask questions? Whenever you have questions, write them down. Before you ask them, re read them, and many wont seem as important. Later, cut these meetings down to once a week, once every two weeks. That way he knows those icky relationship questions won’t just come out of the blue.



It’s hard, I know, I still ask dumb questions all the time, but time helps. And asking yourself, Do I really need or want to know this? Have I asked this before?

Viv,
Thanks again for the advice.These past few days have been hard on me.Yesterday my H had a ruff day at work,he knew my day was'nt going well.On his way home from work he got me roses.It made me feel a little better.He has only bought me flowers three times since his A.He would rather show in actions than in buying me gifts.Which is fine with me.They were beautiful.We had a good night,went to bed and took turns reading Harry Potter.

I'm still said today and have a lot on my mind.I don't know to tell him or keep it to my self.I don't know where i come up with the things i do.Why does it matter now,i tell myself.Will i ever get over this?I tryed going back looking for your story but could'nt find it.Would you minf giving your story?I think i'm going to start a journal or something,maybe i'll show him maybe not.

have a nice day
#1mom

Those questions, I know they suck, are normal. I’ll post a letter I saw on here, I’m not sure if it was a poster, or from a book or what, but I think it might help. It helped me. I think we ask questions all the time, just trying to understand. It sucks some days, I’m sorry the last few have been rough.




"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

I think a journal would be a great idea. Maybe I will start one too. Half Blood Prince is really good, although Azkaban will probably always be my favorite. I can’t wait for the next one! The roses were very sweet.


When did you find out everything?


Have you thought about free counseling through a local church, they would be pro-marriage, and work with you to save the marriage?


I still have bad days, and I still wonder if staying is the right choice. I still think it’s a good idea to really try. I posted on TD’s thread and he said he wondered if he’d be better off with a wife who was a BS, so they each know how awful adultery can be. I sometimes feel this way.

Viv,
I read that letter you posted.It was very intresting.Maybe i will let my H read it.He might not want to tho.He is having a hard time with this,a hard time dealing with what he did to him and our family.

He brought home flowers again after work yesterday.I joked with him the night before because the store had great savings on them.I told him he could pick them up everyday.When he came home i said i was joking he said i just love to see you smile.

I found out everything else in May.She had called her H i think made her.My H did'nt even want to get on the phone.Get this her H told me that she told him my H was gay.See what a liar this person was.The things she told me matched his besides the important fact that they slept together 5 times.He went to her house under ten.
I wanted to ask more but her H was making me mad.She did say one thing she tried telling me he tryed presuing her still after i found out.This will be the only thing i would'nt believe.After all the lies she told my H and the lies she told her H.I think she wanted her H to think she ended it.Heeven called me before that and said it ended because i found out.
I told my H that it hurt so much because i had to hear it from this tramp.
I asked him last nite what she had that i did'nt.He said nothing she was nothing like me.She could'nt compare to me.
She was trashy,she was riskie.I was then what was it.He said at the time she was'nt you.I really did'nt know how to take that.He tells me i had nothing t do with what he did.It was all about him.His head was so messed up from all the work all the schooling,he said he could'nt think straight.I guess she was a stress reliver.
WE also had our problems,we did'nt know how to talk.He honestly thought he was just there.I told him he was never home long enoughto see all the signs i was trying to give him.He says looking back he now sees them.Then this girl comes in and all she does is tell him good things about himself brags to people how good he was at his job.Lets not forget she also kept telling him she wanted him.
I also have to remember her marriage now was from her being the other women. Her hasband was M before.
To be honest i know i made the right choice to stay.I have never felt this way before.I always wanted to be like those people in the soaps,feel like they felt.Sounds dumb.
I have that now before i knew i loved my H now i actully feel it in my heart my soul.Vice Vera i can actully feel all this love he has four me..
Getting back to the questions i never asked till last night about her chest. I am a small and short person with a small chest.This other women was short and heavy person earrings all the way up both ears.You figure big girl big boobs.I knew the answer.He was like wht does it matter.I'm like duh me little her big.He says you know that don't matter.I also told him what was brothing me what i kept thinking about.which i glad cause today i feel better.
I quess i just have to keep telling myself they never had feelings they never romanced eachother.They had sex a few times.
I have a question do you ever talk to anyone from this site on the phone? The only reason i asked is because after next week i will no longewr have online.We decided to get rid of it.I will miss this site and the people i met here.I don't know if you would like to talk over the phone its just something i thought of.I just think we have a lot in common and our D Day is around the same time.I also think its because no one around me knows what has happened in my life.We kept it to ourselves.If not i will be on here until next friday and them i could be back down the road.
Does you H still work with this W.How long did they talk on the phone for?
With my H they talked for about two months End Oct-Dec.The sex happened in Nov.My H does'nt think it happened at all in Dec he was busty with school.
Sorry this is so long
Talk to you soon
#1mom

Sorry I didn’t get back to you yesterday. I am concerned for you if you won’t have access to this site or others while in recovery. You really need support right now. Do you have an e-mail address you can check at the library, or a nearby library you can visit to watch this site and others? It looks like we have opposite schedules on here, unless I have a day off, I would be more than happy to e-mail you.



Have you not told any friends or family out of concern of how they will feel for your FWH? I hope you reconsider and choose at least one person to confide in. I do understand, I had a hard time telling people too, but my sanity counted on it. I couldn’t have done it without a few close people helping me. Is there a support group in your area? There isn’t one in mine.



My H doesn’t work with the ow. They talked on the phone and at work about personal stuff for two-three months. That’s when we consider it an EA. He was sharing more with her than me.

It’s very sad. My FWH told me a few times how the ow reminded him of me at age 19. ow was 19. Some of her characteristics screamed who I was almost ten years ago. He’s said that he enjoyed seeing just parts of who I was when I was 19. But now, I’m not the same fun, club hopping, bar fly. We had fallen out of that romantic love stage long ago, and he wanted that back, I think. Who better than someone who reminds you of your wife, the way you were as kids falling in love. We don’t look alike, but I had the same body type at her age. It’s kind of sick when you think about it. I’m sure he would have never told her, had it worked out.

Viv,
Hey there sorry i did'nt get back to you on Fri.My sister took the kids again.I'm glad they like to go there.
We did quite a few things.WE went to a party with his new co-workers well actully it was his old job so i pretty much knew everyone.It was fun i did have triggers he wanted to leave but we stayed just a little longer.
Going back to your letter.This OW was totally different than me.She was younger 25.But she was short and heavy i asked was she at least pretty he said she would'nt win any beauty contests any time soon.She dressed like she was a skinney person.GROSS
I have been telling myself i need to let the past go i need to start living for the furture.My H wants to make me happy,why not let him?I know we was wrong he knows he was wrong.I see and feel what we can have when i'm not obsessing
about the past.
We both have to remember yes are Husbands did us wrong but they did have some help.If this OW stayed away and did not make up lies about there lives they might of been just co workers.Now there sore losers.I will never say i won over this other women,My H never wanted to be there I know thaT Sounds dumb.He just got in to deep.He realizes what he could of lost.He always wanted me.
We got behind in our reading.We are only on chapter &. We are reading the forth book.My H is reading the sith for the second time.He reads on his lunch break.
I still am not going to be here for a while.Maybe in the early winter i will have on-line again.Still no-one knows of his A.yes i will miss talking to people,But i think its best for me.I read peoples posts that are not so good.They really get you thinking.
I don't want to question what i now have.I really won't have a e-mail acct unless this one works once i'm gone.
Its [Email]numberonemom31@hotmail.com. I willing to write or call if you want to give me any info at thaT address before weds.I know i would be iffie.

Well back to you.How are things going?Do you think you are starting to get over things?Maybe we can do this together.

Well talk to you later
#1mom