WH and I have been back together after a 1 month separation. I felt like he was at the end of his rope last night and wanted out. I didn't get a change to talk to him before bed, but when he was up this am, I started talking. Then I broke down sobbing. I didn't mean to od it, but I did. We talked some more. I told him I am tired of being on this emotional roller coaster and I need him to decide if he wants to leave or stay. He said he doesn't know. He is scared (not sure if it "good" scared in anticipation of being happy or "bad" scared because he should be working on his marriage.) He feels it is a good scared, because it is a life changing event that he says he never made one before in his live (um, I would think getting married, buying a house, deciding to have kids are all life changing events). Anyway, we talked for a while then we ML. And this time he called it ML not sex (like he did Saturday). Am I doing the right thing in making him decide? It has been just over 3 weeks since he told OW that he was going to come back to his marriage. Both of us don't know why he came back (guilt, scared, family, security, maybe a little me, other) What do I do next? I have been doing Plan A and I don't want to lose my marriage, but I also don't want to be on this roller coaster much longer.

Let me add that he doesn't think he wants to work on our marriage.

Hi. I just wanted to respond and say hi.

I am on the same rollercoaster as you. i have some better days and some very bad days.

here's what can help:
Support system/counseling
Personal spiritual growth
focus on something else for a bit
know that your life will be restored eventually

2dog, he is still in withdrawl don't push so hard to get your needs met yet.

How long do I give him for withdrawal? My MC said 3 weeks is more than enough, but I know I read here that it takes longer sometimes.

Also, is there something I should say/do to give him a reason to believe that we can work things out if he doesn't want to try now? I have been doing things to improve myself, and he does notice, but he still thinks the feelings won't come back.

How long withdrawl lasts depends on a number of factors. How long the EA/PA went on (especially the EA...the longer the emotional aspects of it, the longer the withdrawl). How did the affair end (who ended it, was an NC letter sent, etc...). ANY kind of contact at all with the OP will continue to extend the withdrawl...so if he works with her, it could potentially NEVER end.

My wife came out of it in about 3 weeks...after a 1-2 month emotional online affair that was never consumated physically. And that 3 weeks was only the bad withdrawl...it was months before she really could look at the whole thing logically.

Right now, continue to meet his needs as best as you can, continue to ensure that all contact has ended and that there is NO chance of the affair resuming in any way...and pray. And wait for the time to come where your husband 'wakes up', and can start working on your marriage.

these things you need to do anyway with him or without him. Just try to focus on your motivation, its to make amends for what you can and to improve for the future. You are doing it to win him back, but you are also doing it because its the right thing to do.

Owl ~ the EA part of it started in April 2004, and became a PA 3x in July/August 2004. NC began July 14, via him telling her in person. I know, not the right thing to do but what is done is done. The do work together, but he says he turns around if he sees her and doesn't say anything to her. He had been looking for a new job, but I don't know where that stands right now. Owl, did your WW want to try to make it work or did she think it was hopeless?

For the first few weeks, she didn't know. She was concentrating entirely on the loss of the OM. She was hurting and angry at the world (especially me) because we didn't just let her run off and live with him. After the first two weeks, we started talking about the future...and her plan was to seperate and live on her own and "find herself". She didn't know if that would be with me, with OM, or what. That lasted another one to two weeks. And during this time we'd started MC, and the MC we had at the time kept telling my wife that 'Your marriage CAN'T get better unless you choose to work on it. It won't just magically improve all on its own one day.". My wife refused to make the choice to even to TRY to work on our marriage until right around 3-4 weeks after d-day.

This went on for a while, and things got worse when she started looking at apartments and realized that she'd have to sign a year lease. When she told me that it meant we'd stay seperated for a year, I told her that if she did that, then we should just file for divorce, because I wasn't willing to wait for a year in limbo to see if our marriage would make it. We had a rough day when she said this, and I finally had enough, and contacted a lawyer through our EAP to learn about divorce. I came home that evening, and it started again. And I finally told her that we couldn't go on like this. I walked her through the divorce process, told her what steps we were going to have to do, and let her know that if she couldn't make up her mind now that I wasn't willing to wait forever for her to choose to be with me or not.

That was the final straw...she realized that she was going to lose me completely, and that snapped her out of the worst of the fog. It was that night that she chose to work on our marriage, and that's been going since.

Hope this helps.

Owl ~ Thanks for sharing your story with me. I pray that my story will resemble yours.