I spoke to SH last week, afterwards I felt some hope that maybe this mess could be turned around.

Unfortunately after talking to my wife, I'm not so sure anymore and honestly I'm not sure why I'm staying.

My wife says she doesn't love me anymore. Of course she turns around and says, well she does love me, she just doesn't love me deeply.

My wife says that she makes no promises concerning talking to the OM once she goes back to work, but does say that she would never cheat on me again (ie make phone calls, meet him afterwork, etc . . .).

Wife says she's miserable and can't see how divorce could be worse.

Wife refuses to admit to any of the lies she told during the affair and after d-day.

Wife diagnosed with STD in Sept 04, I'm diagnosed with STD in July 05. She claims she didn't get the STD through sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Wife is moody and shows no affection towards me.

Wife's parents are now suggesting that she divorce me and try for custody.

Somebody please shake some sense into me.

Positives about staying married.

My daughter gets to keep her family together. I get to see my daughter everyday.

Possibility that things might turn around and the wife and I have a great rewarding life together.

I get to remain married to the woman I shared 22 years with and still consider to be my lifemate.

I still love my wife, or at least the potential she has to be the person I know she can be.

It's been 6 months since d-day and it feels like things have gotten worse not better.

Since it doesn't look like my wife will commit to any type of plan for reconsiliation or recovery, I just don't see how I can keep this going on my own. It feels like it is time to give up. Am I wrong???

What is wrong with trying a good and dark Plan B?

I second what Aphelion said. A good and dark Plan B just might shake her loose, but it would probably take at least a few months. It won't happen overnight.

Nothing is changing, Grove, because your wife has no REASON to change anything that she is doing. You are making the same mistake that I and so many others have made -- your think that your pain will give her all the reason she needs to clean up her act and put her own marriage first.

It won't. BS pain means absolutely nothing to a WS. It just bounces off the concrete they've poured around their skulls and doesn't even register, except maybe as an annoyance.

Your pain will not motivate her to change. The very real fact of losing her family forever just might. That's what Plan B will give her a taste of, as well as protecting you from her continued emotional neglect and abuse.

So, yes. Very dark Plan B. What ARE you waiting for???
Mulan

If you do not for whatever reason like Plan B as used on MB, familiarize yourself with a variation called Protection Phase (PP) on SYMC. You can get very good advice on PP on that site. It's very simialr, but different in certain important respects.

With prayers,

Why no plan b? Attorney says that I can not leave the house and the wife refuses to leave also. If I leave, it could be used in court to say that I abandoned my daughter. SH said there might be a way to do a plan b, but we first wanted to see if we could get my wife to agree to a plan for recovery. It looks like that isn't going to happen, so here I am.

I will speak to SH next week and see where I should go from there.

Mulan, I know that my wife is playing me, I know that leaving may actually give her the wake up call that is needed, but if it doesn't, I could damage my chance at shared custody. My daughter is my first priority in this mess, and my wife knows that.

I've come to realize that there is probably nothing I can do to actually motivate my wife to change. Plan b and/or filing for divorce might be the only way now.

My IC has recommended that I just keep my mouth shut for a while and see what she does.

That sounds good.

I don't know what you can do if the WS refuses to leave the house so you can Plan B. That needs a thread of its own, IMO.

Some have tried an in-house Plan B -- moving to a separate bedroom, keeping separate schedules and withdrawing ENs as much as possible. It's very hard to do when they are under the same roof, but does work for some.

If you get an answer from Steve Harley on this, please post it. I'd like to know too.

Good luck.
Mulan

Thanks Mulan,

I really feel stuck. I'd like to move forward, but I'm hesitant to do anything right now. I thought things couldn't get worse, and I feel like I was wrong, they can and have.

I really do believe that a plan b might be the way to go, but I need to make sure this won't effect custody issues.

Stuck is the wrong word, I feel sick!! I can't think of anything else.

Will moving on and filing for divorce help me get over this??

Is it possible to stay with a spouse who is non-committal?

***Stuck is the wrong word, I feel sick!! I can't think of anything else.***

I certainly understand. Just try to hang on until you can talk to SH. You don't have to do anything until then.

***Will moving on and filing for divorce help me get over this??***

Divorcing will not make the pain magically disappear, as many people think. You are still going to have a very long personal recovery to get through, and through your daughter you will still have a connection with your wife whether you want it or not.

That is why so many of us here keep telling you not to rush into divorce. If it does happen, you at least want to wake up each morning knowing you did *all* you could to save the marriage. You sure don't want nagging doubt plaguing you afterward. You want your conscience to be clear on this if/when you must go through a divorce.

***Is it possible to stay with a spouse who is non-committal?***

Well, sure it is, but it won't be any kind of marriage. A lot of us here have cake-eating, hard-core fence-sitters for spouses. We do what we can to get through to them but you're right, it can't last forever.

Don't panic and don't give up yet. You are still very early in this process, and it's going to take a lot to get through to a WS like yours who is well accustomed to being able to bully you and make you back down any time she wants.

The first time you truly do stand up to her -- as in some form of Plan B -- she is going to resemble a harpy from ****** (or a furious two-year-old who suddenly isn't getting her way) so prepare yourself for this and EXPECT it. Don't let it scare you. It truly is the only road to any possible recovery.

Just hang loose for a while until you can talk to SH, and please let us know what he says about Plan B if WS won't leave.

Good luck.
Mulan

I just made an appointment for my wife to speak to SH. She said the other day that she would speak to him if I made the appointment. I guess we'll find out. This could blow up in my face. I'm not trying to control her, I think she just figured I would never go through with it.

I have 20 minutes to cancel the session. I guess if she doesn't talk to him, I can.

Don't cancel! Like you said, use the time for yourself if she won't talk to him. And again -- stop letting her scare you! She's counting on it!
Mulan

This morning I got up a little early for work, got a shower and dressed. I decided to lay down next to the wife prior to leaving. Put my arm around her, and while she didn't move away, she did move her arm away from me. Very cold, very distant.

I got up, politely informed her that I loved her and that I am willing to make an effort at rebuilding our marriage. I said that I needed her to pick a side of the fence and jump. I was fine with whatever way she chose to jump, but that I needed her to make a decision. She said that she wasn't the one that had papers drawn up for a divorce. I told her that was true, but that I was making an effort to make our marriage work. I again said that I needed her to make a committment either to the marriage or something else, prior to her going back to work.

We'll see what happens. She couldn't talk to SH today, said she will try and reschedule for tomorrow.

Like every BS, you want your WS to make a decision -- but you must never forget that she HAS made a decision.

She has made the decision that she wants both the security of marriage AND the fun and excitement of dating.

She is not trying to "choose" between you and the OM.

She has decided that she wants to have BOTH and she will hold out for BOTH just as long as she possibly can.

If she didn't want both, she would have moved out long ago.

This is what every WS does, Grove. They aren't "confused" and they aren't "trying to decide" between the OP and the BS.

They have decided that they are entitled to have BOTH. They believe they are justified in using any means necessary to have BOTH -- lies, bullying, threats, whatever -- so that's what they do.

Sound familiar?

I think that many, many BS fall for the idea that the poor WS is "confused" and trying to "choose between two people". They're not. They want BOTH. THAT is their decision.

Never forget this.
Mulan