We have been together 10 years, lived to together for 8 married for 2. He wouldn't commit until I said that's it.
Yes I know, I would never do that again.

No kids,I have 2 but they are out of the house now, 1 cat, we lived in my house I bought before we married.

In April, Out of the blue he said he was thinking of leaving. We held each other,cried,then went to sleep. The next day he came home, bought me wine, flowers and an expensive present. Silly me,I thought everything must be ok. Didn't talk about what was going on.

A month later same thing, back in mid May said was leaving and did.He said "nothing had changed."(I didn't know anything was supposed to.)

He moved to his parents house which is empty for the summer. I asked him if there was someone else. He said "I don't think so." So I believed him. 2 weeks after he left he refused to date, talk, touch,or go to counseling. "No one is going to tell him what to do."

Nothing I have tried to do has made any differance. He says "it's not there for him anymore". I couldn't figure out why. What made him change so fast.

I started to get suspious of a girl he works with, just a gut feeling. Finally, about 10 days ago, one of his friends wives told me I had a reason to be concerned about her.
I ordered the call detail on his cell phone, Sure enough 91 calls to or from her in one month.

Another of his friends told me he had changed his email. So I found the new account and hacked the password.
What I read really shocked me. He is having an emotional affair with her, but it is one sided. She is leading him on, playing with him.

I confronted him about the cell calls and he denied everything. But I didn't tell him about the email.

I know now I had been neglecting him and not meeting his emotional needs.

Last week I found you guys, got him to fill out the emotional needs questionaire.We have been together 10 years and I didn't know conversation and honesty are his top 2 needs.

He has agreed to give me a week to try to fix things and if it doesn't work then he wants a divorce.

I don't think that is enough time. Is it?

She is still meeting his need for conversation and he still insists they are just friends. She is divorced, dating several men not seeing anyone special.

Since he wants to be honest should I tell him I know about his emails? ThatI invaded his privacy.

I know she has taken my place as his best friend. They spend a lot of time together now.

I think he wants a divorce because he thinks she doesn't want him because he is married.

Sorry this is so long. I didn't want to leave anything important out. I'll do better.


What do I do now? He only gave me a week to try to work it out.

He gave YOU an ultimatum? If a long-term problem is not "worked out" in one week .... then he's leaving?

OK ... settle down.

Tense anxious and clingy are not attractive.

Can you get ahold of your emotions?

You need to be getting proper sleep. Are you? If not, speak to your physican. Ask for help. Tell her/him what crisis you are going through.

This is not going to be over in 1 week, no matter what your WH says. He may walk out, but you still can work the MB program ... even if he is in-and-out of the home.

You need to re-group. Settle down. prepare like going to war.

Study the MB concepts.
Study Plan A. (later perhaps plan B)
Do not allow your fears to overtake you. That's what loses the battle. Your fears.

Are you or are you not an amazing and wonderful and loving wife? Yes or no?

pep,I am an amazing and wonderful woman, but in some ways I wasn't a wonderful wife. Not that he was wonderful either.

PS He has already left. He has been gone for 11 weeks. ( who's counting?) I just found out why and why nothing I did made any differance 10 days ago. Found out about you guys 10 days ago too. Thank God.

How do I plan A when he is gone?

Once I found out about Dr. Harley, I asked him to work on the marriage again. He has agreed to see me for a week only, But says if doesn't work he wants divorce and still won't admit there is someone else he is attracted to.

First off you need to wrap your mind around the thought that he is 'giving you a week..." and know that him saying that is just ridiculous and that this won't be over in a week by a long shot....

second you need to expose to people that he is having an emotional affair..friends..family....inner circles...

third..
you need to hit it head on without getting upset..that you know without a doubt that he is doing all of this because right now it is easy for him to do this because in his brain he has replaced YOU with HER...
and that the only way he can do such things is to make you out to be the 'enemy' while putting HER on a pedestal...and that you know deep down that he still cares for you...

you need to give no weight or mention to this one week theory....

do his parents know he is living there...?

you also need to speak your aplogies for areas that you do feel you were'nt the Greatest wife..'none of this excuses his behavior....but you need to own up to your part in the environment of an affair...

when does your week start

ark

Excellent advice, you ahve some real pros posting to you...(although, who wants to be known as an A pro?)

Some more to think about...your M will not have a REAL chance to recover unless the OW is COMPLETELY out of the picture. If he wants to give you an ultimatum, you expose what you know about his A and then explain that although he is giving YOU one week, he ALSO needs to give the M the same chance and have OW out of his life COMPLETELY for 3-4 months (how long withdrawal will often continue) before the week should start...

Thanks all.

My week has already started. It started 3 days ago.

I have apologized. Had Him fill out the emotonial needs and love busters questionaire. Which he did half A**** but I have more to go on now. Would never have guessed his most important EN's conversation & honesty and we have been together 10 years.

I still don't know if I should tell him I read his e mail. But I think he will continue to insist she is just a friend if I don't.

Any thoughts?

No apologies s/b given right now. Not to a WS. You should save your apologies for your real H.

Sorry to say but your real H has been abducted and returned to you as a WS.

Now we have to help you know how to deal with a WS. Here are some suggestions:

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Read Surviving an Affair. You have already taken the EN questionnaire so you are off to a good start. What are your top 5 ENs? That is important also.

3. Call Steve H from MB to get a plan going. He does phone counseling so you can do it from the convience of your own home or wherever you can.

4. If you can't get Steve find a good MC familar with MB principles.

5. Let the WS know that recovery usually takes 2 - 3 times as long as the A. Then ask him how long has he been having A's. If he says one, don't argue, then get a timeframe. His 1 week demand was a setup to fail. Don't fall for that babble. It is at the very very least 12 weeks. C/B more like 1 year. You never know. Either way you can buy more time with this logic.

6. Don't fall for his babble. Know he will talk confused. He will get your hopes up and then dash them to pieces. That is just what WS' do. Know this and get protected.

7. Learn techniques that will protect you. Secure your finances, create a personal support group, get a good MC or Steve H or both, identify your personal boundaries, read the suggested material and then some...., implement your real personal boundaries and learn to reverse babble.

Reverse babble is when you take the words of the WS and give him back his guilt and pain. An example of that is in item 5.

take care,
L.

THanks all,
I'm still having difficulty with this .
Should I tell him or not.