This is twisted up in so much history, I thought it might be wise to post:

On Saturday night, my 17-year-old daughter (Kid A) attended a slumber party at a 16-year-old good friend's home (Kid B).

The girl's mother is a good friend of mine as well. The girl's father was the "best man" at my WH?/STBX's fake wedding a year ago. (Kid B's parents are divorced.) He is a psychologist, smug, complacent, and arrogant. (For those who don't know my sitch, I live in a very small community -- it's impossible to avoid these overlaps, and unfair to Kid A.)

I learned the next day that the sleepover was not an all-girl affair, but consisted of four girls and four boys (2 extra boys later). The psychologist provided two bottles of fine wine for the gathering of minors.

Here's the kicker: he and his wife were out of town for the weekend. I didn't think to ask, because frankly, I thought his common sense was better than this. For one thing, it's against the law. My D didn't tell me in advance, because this had never come up before; I have no reason not to trust her.

Naturally, some of the boys, including 18-year-olds, brought their own booze. My daughter drank a glass of the fine wine (she has it at home), but skipped the gin bottles.

As she described it later, she was the only sober one at the party. Four kids were vomiting -- two as a one-shot deal, two "continuously." One of the vomitees went to his own car to sleep and threw up on himself. My D told me they checked on him regularly to make sure he was okay. One of the girls (Kid C) who was a "continual" vomiter, very overweight with many health problems, threw up on herself, had to be stripped by the other girls, and passed out naked on the bathroom floor. She was calling for my daughter helplessly, said she was "scared," got the shivers with her teeth chattering, etc. She was severely drunk, and I understand medical help would have been in order.

Frankly, I am appalled at the poor judgment of my erstwhile friend -- though I'm not surprised that he's enabled the kids just like he enabled my spouse. In the end, he's kind of a weak and spineless guy. I think it was appalling to put his daughter, the smallest and the youngest, Kid B, in charge of such an event.

My daughter doesn't want to be compromised by my making this bigger. I spoke with Kid B's mom, my friend, and found out she already knew -- she had, it appears, approved of the event in principle, and Kid B had told her what happened later. I warned my friend about the dangerous precedent this set, the impossibility of protecting the girls sexually without an adult present, that it would have been impossible to control the boys if one of them wanted to get in his car and drive for any reason.

Girl B phoned me up, enraged and insolent. She is turning out to be just like her Dad. She said she knew all the boys well, and they would have stopped anyone who wanted to drive. I doubt that -- she proved that she lost control of the party, and practically admitted it. But she is young and snippy. She put on airs that these are only American laws, and are retro in the extreme. (She is foreign-born, and her parents are foreign.) I, too, have lived abroad, and don't know anywhere where vomiting over your clothes is a recipe for social success. Nonetheless, her father could have gone to jail.

I am angry at the insolence of the girl. I am angry at the father. But there's so much history in all of this, I don't trust my own judgment. My daughter feels I will violate her confidence if I take this any farther. On the other hand, someone has got to act like a parent. On the other hand, I'd love to see his come-uppance too much to trust my cool head.

Any thoughts? Are boy-girl sleepovers the usual thing nowadays? Am I making too big a deal about nothing?

Well, if it were me, I would ground my D for not telling me the parents were going to be gone and for spending the night without a parent.

Then I would call the police and report that NIMROD of a father who irresponsibly - and illegally - provided booze and a flophouse to children. His bad judgement could have easily resulted in the death of any of those children if they had decided to drive. That is contributing the deliquency of a minor and is a CRIME.

Better to stop this idiot now before his criminal negligence results in a dead kid. There is nothing "cool" or foreign about helping teenagers kill themselves.

And A.M., your D may hate you now for doing this, but when she grows up she will thank you for having the courage to do the right thing. Better to have an embarrassed D than a dead one. There is nothing enjoyable about burying a teenager. And I wouldn't ever let her hang out over at this friend's house again, the parents are not to be trusted.

I am the mother of 2 teenagers ages 18 and 15. NO, boy/girl sleepovers without parents is not the norm now a days! Also, providing alcohol to minors is against the law!! If something had happened to one of those kids the parents would have gone to jail. They bought the alcohol and then left them unsupervised. I would contact the parents of all the other kids and at least make them aware of what is happening in that household. I would also NEVER let my child go to their house again and for sure not spend the night. Your daughter may be mad for a while, but better mad than dead.

I may make some unpopular decisions that at the time make my kids mad, but they always understand later why I did what I did. You are responsible for the safety of your children and sometimes that means making unpopular decisions.

This is a good chance to teach your child what can happen when you drink irresponsibly and exactly the reason why the legal drinking age is 21.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, or alcohol poisoning.

You trust your teenagers until they give you reason not to. Your daughter has given you that reason, so I'd pull in on the reigns for a while, especially where this friend and her parents are concerned.

Susan

AMM,

In a word? NO...they are not common and even if they were...c'mon,, would your Mom think it was OK to have 4 boys and 4 girls underage drinking all alone for the night?

I don't care where these people grew up...it is still against the law here in this country.

Now you let your daughter have an occasional glass of wine with dinner? Fine, it is your call, still illegal but I don't have a problem with that.

Did Dr. Smugnstoopid leave a fishbowl of condoms as well? Maybe some roofies? Least he could have done is left some rolling papers and some weed.

Honestly AMM, you should absolutely let them know how wrong that was and how disrespectful for them to assume that you were alright with an unsupervised underage drinking party/mixed sex sleepover. If he gets beligerent I'd call the police and file a report. Let the city atty handle it. Then of course you cannot allow her to spend the night there again.

Here are the probable/possible outcomes of such parties...alcohol poisoning/death (ever heard of binge drinking by kids?) rape, drunken driving, pregnancy, fighting, consensual sex, STD's, drug use and the list goes on and on...you got lucky...this time

Europe my A**, thats no excuse...they were stupid there and now they are stupid here.

You are right, you are the parent...how does the thought of your precious daughter being molested and drunk sound? Follow your gut

BTW have a 17yo, 15yo, and 2 younger ones

Dittos to what Melody said. Report the adult who provided booze to minors and then left them alone.

There is a huge # of children who die in this country alone from alcohol poisioning. Thank GOD it did not happen to your D's friends.

Even IF boy/girl sleepovers were the "norm" - what makes it ok?

I can tell you, over my dead body will my daughter stay over night with boys and booze.

I do think your daughter needs consequences. She should have been calling you to tell you that there were no adults, there WERE boys, and booze.

No, you're not making too big a thing of this. I'm not at all surprised at the girl's reaction. She's embarassed and humiliated. She wanted this to be a grownup party, and it turned into a nightmare. What to do about it? Set clear boundaries for your own child. This other child is none of your business, though if you speak to her again, I'd be clear and firm in my statement: "In this country, in this time and place, it is unacceptable to hold a party of this kind."

But your daughter, well.... she didn't tell you what was going to happen. She didn't call you, or anyone else, when she realized things were out of control. She should have done both of those things. She is, thank goodness, smart enough to tell you about it afterwards, and that says a lot for how good your relationship with her is. I'd suggest talking through with her the options she has for other situations that turn ugly, and how to handle them. If you would like for there to be other consequences for your daughter, I would tie them to this specific event. In other words -- no parties with this set of friends without a discussion between parents about what will and will not occur, and who will be the adult chaperone.

Oh, and my youngest brother just recently turned 22. He was never allowed to have boy-girl sleepovers or unsupervised parties. My parents were quite calm about it, and in the 37 years they've been raising kids, the only drunk one ever in our house was one who showed up that way from another party. It was made painfully clear to her that that was not okay. No one was mean about it... we just cleaned her up and took her home. Her parents made her call my parents and apologize. Apparently she was quite contrite.

Anyway, rock on, girl. Set limits without anger. You're on the right track.

Trust YOUR judgement.

No boy-girl sleepovers.

YOUR concerns are valid.

Trust yourself.

Consider reporting this crime to police.

Well, sorry, no penalties for my D -- it wouldn't be fair. She had no idea this was not okay. It had never come up. Since she did not participate in any of the rowdiness -- nor would she -- it seems inappropriate to hammer down on her. I am very lucky to have a wonderful, exceptional kid. This all came out offhandedly, because she had no idea that she was crossing lines. She said it was a nice party except for the drinking and erping.

We are instituting a few new rules, however, as a result of this. And she will be responsible for keeping them.

I do believe that the boys were "safe" -- Kid B says so, her mom says so. But I told them you don't know what a boy is going to be like with a quart of booze in him, and you don't know if he's the type to drink a quart of booze. I also said it's not just this party, it's the PRECEDENT that's being established. But they don't seem to get this.

A.M., I find it very disconcerting that your D did not know that it is NOT ok to spend the night at someone's house with no parents, with BOYS, and with booze provided by the parents. That is not something I would ever think I would have to SPECIFY exactly to my child. How could it be that she did not know all this was out of bounds? How could it be that she not have the judgement, at age 17, to know this was wrong?

Hello Just J! Good to hear from you!

The weird thing is, nobody felt like things were out of control. So none of the kids pushed the panic button. Some kids were downstairs talking; others were upstairs erping in the bathrooms.

I'm sorry, but I STILL think if nothing else she should have called you to come and get her or she should have come home.

Susan

Would that be because they are children and have poor judgement?

Umm, Melody. I don't tell her not to drink Pinesol, either. None of this stuff had ever come up before. My daughter says it happens all the time nowadays -- but parents are usually there. It's just never come up with her. I've never had to "discipline" her really, for anything. She's never done anything. Except her room is a mess.

D is not attracted to doing edgy stuff. So there's lots we've never really discussed much. Mostly, she's discussed the isolation of other kids here being into edgy stuff -- in fact, girls A, B, and C are the only "clean" ones.

But I'm beginning to think it's down to A.

You are taking what a 17 year old is saying and believing all of it. Your daughter may be great and probably is, but kids know what they are doing. They all knew drinking was wrong and spending the night together with boys was wrong. You can only assume that nothing went on between the boys and girls, you don't know that for a fact. Maybe this is their norm for partying?? Do they get together often??

Not to be mean at all, but wake up and see what is right in front of you. Your child had to take off her friends clothes because she was too drunk to get up and she had to check on a boy passed out in a car to make sure he was ok.

Consequences.

Yup.

Well, now you and everybody else in town knows who they can trust. As a mom of teenagers, I can say that they will try to pull the boy/girl sleepover wool over your eyes. One of mine tried it. The good doctor making alcohol available to minors is criminal. There are lots of clueless parents out there who give up control of their kids before even the kids are ready to be independent.

Report him! Your instincts are right on.

I would make a small consequence for your daughter not calling you about the situation. You've probably already done it: she won't be hanging out with those folks again.

Well, LostintheCity, I can pretty much say my own kid was okay, because it sounds like she spent the evening playing nurse. She said she pretty much had to take over the role of hostess -- but it does sound like nurse.

My daughter, although attractive and likeable, doesn't date. Isn't tremendously interested in it at that point.

Can't speak for girls B and C, but I know my own pretty well.

D says there's drinking at all the parties nowadays, and that the only alternative is social isolation. My stepson (20yo) pretty much confirms this.

Do you feel that perhaps you should tell her not to drink PineSol then? Do you need to cover every eventuality in a very legalistic manner to prevent further problems like this? I mean, if she doesn't know that teen drinking, at unchaperoned booze parties are wrong, what else could there be?