i just came across this term (exit affair) and i'm fearful that this may be the case for my husband.

he says due to my 5 years of depression he was so very unhappy. he says he regrets how he went about things but that in the end the results would have been the same. he says he can never "go back"

if this is true...it explains why he is so detached and why it appears there is no hope for him changing his mind.

i am no longer in depression and i have changed tremendously but he says it's just too late,he is not in love with me and does not want to be in love with me again.

maybe this is just the reality of it.

any information about exactly what an "exit affair" is or anyone with experinece with one?

Given the stuff I've read about exit affairs, my conclusion (though I could be wrong here) is that it's really a judgement call, and you don't really know if it's an exit affair until after the fact - and maybe not even then.

Why? Well, because it seems that the WS in a regular affair says much the same things as the WS in an exit affair. The only way to know the difference is to know motivation and intent behind the actions, and considering how fogged up ANY WS is, and how difficult it is to communicate with such an alien, getting to those intents and motivations could be like squeezing water from a rock.

I would say that with my XH, one could say his was an exit affair. To be honest, though, I still don't really know. Yes, his (latest) affair ended the marriage, but... I was the one who said I'd had enough, not him. Though he would claim now that it was always his intent to end it, he was just having trouble doing it because he knew he was hurting me. Yeah. I really have no idea to this day why he spent several months going to counseling with me while he was still living with her, and lying to both of us (and our MC) about it. But doing that is something I can't reconcile with an exit affair. Yet much of what he did fits the description of an exit affair.

But here, we go back again to what Plan A and Plan B are and how they work. The point of Plan A is to work on yourself. Yes, part of the intent is to present a more attractive spouse, so that the WS will have something desirable to miss when you implement Plan B. But Plan A in no way guarantees the WS will come back. It in fact acknowledges that sometimes they don't. But as we always say, it's to hopefully atrract the WS back, and PREPARE THE BS to be handle life on his/her own if the WS doesn't come back. The idea is that it prepares the BS for whatever the outcome is.

Because of this, it shouldn't matter if you think it's an exit affair or not. You don't want to place that kind of label on it. I've seen lots of stories on here where everyone would have labeled it an exit affair, and said there was no hope, and the couple eventually recovered. And I've seen plenty where it seemed like a couple was one everyone thought could make it, and it turned out the WS really had no interest in repairing the relationship.

The bottom line is - you don't know. Your WS could be one of the few telling you the truth about being done with the marriage, or it could be just the usual fog-talk they all use. Since you can't read his mind, you have to just deal with things in a way you can handle. So, you try as hard as you can to recover the marriage, and you try to be wise about when it's time to give up. What you are really shooting for here is no regrets, or at least as few as possible. You don't want to say "maybe if I'd given him just a little more time," but you also don't want to be waking up 5 years from now finding you've given up 5 years of your life living in limbo for nothing.

JMHO, for what it's worth.

thanks oxgirl

you are right, what matters most is that i give everything i can to saving our marriage so that i have no regrets.

it really doesn't matter why

What does your H mean by "Never go back"? Does he mean to your marriage? Unfortunately I have some first hand knowledge on this subject. My first marriage I was married 14 and was extremley unhappy. And did not know how to communicate with my Ex since he was more of a dictator than a listener or communicator. I had an A towards the end, and did not feel any remorse for hurting him, I knew this was it and did not want that life any longer. I just needed the strength and excuse to leave. My A was an A against the odds... I fell in love and actually had felt love for the first time in a very long time. After 3+ yrs. the OM and I married and is still my current H (been together 11 yrs, married 8yrs.) I did however pay the price and lost everything... my home, my kids, my dignity.

"One" of my regrets is I never sought help after the D to help sort out things or try to understand why the A happened. Because now in my current marriage I have become the WS AGAIN! and have hurt my current H deeply. We're on the mends, and are in recovery but I wonder if I would have gone for help, would I have strayed?? Probably not, since I'd have learned all the warning signs...

So yes... there is something "to" the exit A.

Undo

Steve Harley told me there is NO such thing as an Exit affair.

I didn't question him further, maybe next time.

undo
i'm afraid thismay be how my husband feels

however, i have realized how very musch i love him and just want a chance to try again.

yes....i can't go back means to our marraige

i'm crying just typing this cause i really don't think he's going to "go back" no matter how different or better things could be

he does say though that he is so sorry he hurt me

Oh, Eav1967 I'm sorry. I really do hope things work out. And I'm sorry for your pain. Have you considered MC together? Ask him... you never know!

Undo

yesundo i've asked several times. He's not interested in working on our marraige at all.

if you have some free time-read my posts. I'm looking for some new ideas or thoughts about the situation.

i love this guy. i realize that i was not there for him. i only want the chance to be there for him now-better than ever.

I've lost so much to depression. I lost my father to his own depression which caused mine, i lost years of my life, and now I'm losing the love of my life.

but i'm not giving him up without a fight!

eav1967...

I will read your posts... but not tonight, it's late and I have to go to sleep. If there's a glimpse of hope then I say go for it. Does he read? Do you think he'll read "Surviving an Affair" we have it, and it helps explain alot.

Depression is a slient killer no one talks about. Because it can take you down physically mentally and it not only affects you but your family and friends and relationships. My H has suffered from Depression for the past few years which has affected our marriage. He has recently started taking anti-depression drugs... do you? Welbutrin is supposed to be a good one and no sexual side effects. Do you go to church, that is supposed to help too.

I'll drop you a line after I read your previous posts.

Undo

Eav,

I would not give up hope yet.

I "knew" my H was having an affair but I did not have proof. The day I confronted him with it he denied it and acted like I asked if he had murdered someone. I then suggested we separate because there were many other problems in the marriage. MY feelings were so numb towards him because I just knew this had been going on for a month or more.

When I suggested a separation he had little reaction to it and seemed happy to leave as soon as he could. (now looking back this gave him the freedom he wanted to carry on with his A) During our separation I suggested MC, going to a chaplin, anything to come to some conclusion if we could figure out what was wrong with our M. He saw NO use in it. One day he could be sweet as pie, the next he could say such cold cruel things to me.

I soon found the evidence I needed to prove the A. I figured out the password to his email account and found letters between the two of them. The emails were quite explicit and ahhhhh they were in love. (oh, she is married too)

I confronted him with what I knew and demanded answers. (How he could fall in love with a married woman, how he could do this to a man who he knows and who was deployed to Iraq when the A started, how he could do this to me and lie to my face on many occassions, how he could stand there and say he loved me when I first confronted him....so on and do forth.

The tables turned and so did his attitude.

When this all started I was sure our M was over, I was sure he had no feelings left for me. I was wrong. Our M is now stronger than it had been for a very long time. I still have doubt in my mind at times-is he back because he really loves me or is he back because the OW is married and her H is back from Iraq/did it just get too complicated?

I really think detachment can be a part of that fog they are in while in an A and after an A. WHile in it they can say some pretty heartless things.

Hang in there eav!

I agree wit what steve said that there isn't such a thing as a exit affair. that label just is another excuse why WS can't get it together.
Relationships are like records if there is a scratch and it is fixed withen then it will keep repeating over and over again.
It is better to deal with the problems that are there in a marriage then to get stupid and dump it all and start over because if you do that it wil repeat over and over again and that is the concept th WS don't get unless they get in the game and work on thier existing marriages.
I think that s why generally relationships that begin with lies just keep getting worse and affair marriages have a low survival rate

thanks all of you for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

i'm not giving up on this guy. this experience has made me realize many things that i need to do differently to be a better parnter to my husband to meet his emotional needs. I know that our marriage could be so much better! He doesn't see this-isn't willing to consider the possibility.

i wish i could wave a magic wand and go back in time to change the years that were lost due to my depression but we all know that's not going to happen.

but from the day i found out that my husband was seeing someone else and that i might lose him-i fought my way out of depression and got off the medication that didn't help but made me sleep all the time.

so now...i can't say i'm back to my old self-i'm not that person any more-i'm a better person who realizes what she had and what she has to lose.

i only want the chance to show this guy that he's the most important part of my life and that i really love him.

he says though that he can't forgive me for not being there for him. he says he knows i didn't do it on purpose and that i was sick but that the feelings he had for me just died when i was depressed.

and they haven't come back...he does not want to try to get them back. he says i don't WANT to be in love with you again.

eav
I understand where you are at i am dealing with the same thing. my WH excuse for his behavior was because of my depression also. I belive he is using it as an excuse to justify heis behavior but mine has told me he loves me but doesn't want to hurt me. I couldn't stand him living with ow and still wanting to be part of my life I had to cut him off to save myself if i didn't i would have been sucked down into my depression again.and that would be a bad thing. i have good days and bad days but more and more good days.
I am looking forward to the end of this ride and hopefully someone will enter my life that will love me unconditionally unlike WH. He has put conditions on his love and that is unfair and wrong. If i could not be there to pamper his ego then he had no use for me. and in all the time i was with him i was only depressed for a short time and was well into recovery when I found out. I had even asked him if he wanted to leave a week or so before i discovered his A. he told me no he didn't want to leave i think its a load just something for him to but time and cake eat.
I will pray for you and hope for the best but you need to prepare for the worst.
right now my WH is more of a pain to me then anything but i am managing. Cause I know that its not my fault no matter what he says. sending you a big hug right now