We're finally on the road to recovery. Last contact was a few weeks ago. Nothing since. OW finally got the message.

I find myself constantly thinking about the ow. I know what she looks like and who she is. This woman knows intimate details of my life that no one else does. I know about her life, including that she says she has the HPV STD that now she has passed along to me and FWH. I feel so second best and my self esteem is no where to be found. OW is extemely attractive, most mens' jaws drop when they see her.

I can't get her picture out of my head. Or the thoughts and images that are there now. My privacy has been invaded by a stranger. I can't seem to move beyond her.

I never confronted her, or contacted her in any way. I still don't need to do that, nothing good would come of it, but I want to yell out that I am a person, not just THE WIFE.

Is this strange? Normal? Obsessive? I do feel a need to SEE her from a distance. I don't even want to be seen. Maybe I will see that SHE is just a person, not this goddess that's in my head who my H was going to leave me for.

Has anybody else felt this and if so, how did you deal and get beyond it? Thanks for the help.

Completely normal, friend. But the obsession with the OP does fade with time and continued recovery. Just do your best to avoid concentrating on her as best you can...focus instead on what needs to be done to re-build your R with your FWH now.

That's how I've tried to handle things at least.

MicheleG,

When I found out about my WW A the temptation to see the OM was great, but I fought it and chose not to see him. I didn't even want to know his name but that backfired.

I didn't want to see him because of the reason you're talking about... comparing yourself to the OP. Talk about something that can really let the air out of your self esteem. I'm still upset that I know some details of his physical nature. I've been told that the OM does not compare well to me physically or romantically, but it still bothers me that I know any details at all.

Some people need to know who they are up against, but not me. I just wanted to know the emotional details so I could better understand the nature of A.

Thanks Owl and Hopeful for posting back. I was really afraid that this was totally abnormal. I mean the last thing I want is for ME to be thinking about OW when husband says he is not. I guess knowing all about her and what she looks like makes it that much harder. I cannot compare and it just hits me hard.

Another MB success story! I am glad to hear that things are working well for you and and FWH.

Sorry to hear about the HPV...isn't that the STD that can be caught simply by skin contact...no fluids required? Are there any long-term implications from your concurrent infections?

Anyway...back on topic.

My IC suggested to me that when such "unpleasant" thoughts occur...observe them. Don't obsess about them, don't try to push them away...simply think about why the are bothering you. Eventually they will fade...don't sweat them too much.

WRT to actually seeing FOW, what is the expected RESULT you seek from possibly exposing yourself and FWH to a potentially "emotional" moment?

I know it's hard, but if there is no tangible benefit (emotional or otherwise) for your M to be gained (IMHO...I don't think there is one), it's best to "let that sleeping dog lie". No sense jeopardizing recovery for soemthing that will not help your M.

My best wishes on your continued recovery...you did a WONDERFUL job with recovering your H and your M! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Scott

Ever since I found the stuff that WH brought home from work when he moved back in after our separation and NC day, I have had images of her. It is especially bad when I picture them "together". I really need to burn those pictures, but it wouldn't do anything to help get her picture etched out of my memory. So I think it is normal.

WHnowBS,
The HPV std is a virus that can be spread through just skin contact according to the sites that I have checked. OW kept trying to contact WH because she had something important to tell him. We kept ignoring her. Finally she sent the email that she was diagnosed with HPV and had a severe case. They had to do surgery. WH didn't believe her, but after reading up on it, I believe she does have it. Her history is painted.
I do believe that she had this surgery before she even met my H. He told me that she brought the subject up several times during A but then said she was just joking.

HPV does not have a cure. It stays with a person forever. OW type of strain (so she says) can cause abnormal pap smears to occur and cause other cervical problems. Some have related it to cervical cancer in situ. But it usually doesn't cause problems in men, just women. So I called my doctor and they have a test that they do along with the pap smear. So I guess I'll be monitoring forever.

But anyway, as far as seeing her, I was hoping that it would get me over this hump. Kinda like when you have to face your fears to get over them. Of course I would not have H with me.

I want to recover and get her out of my head. Not only is she pretty, but she loves sex according to my husband. I have heard all about it and even seen the XXX pictures, so it stays with me everywhere. It goes into my bedroom with me too. I just have such a difficult time blocking her out.

My FWH has been great. He is doing everything he can to help me and he reads everything that I ask him to. So I don't want to be the one to keep us back here.

And thanks for the words of encouragement. You all were there for me.

2dogmom,
Thanks for posting. I was hoping this was all normal. You're right, the images are burned there.