i posted here about a year ago to make a log story short my wife had an affair with another woman.(if ound out and confronted her) I then left the house and we spend some time apart and she wanted me back (so she said) and that it was over. I came back about a month later and every thing was great i thought then she had contact with her agian so i left and did not speak to her for a while when i finally did she said every thing was cool and that it was over and she wanted me back so id went back and every thing was good not great but good. Fast forward 10 months and i just found out there has been contact and it has been happening for 8 months this contact was all over the phone no meeting she lives in another state. It might be importatnt to mention the only time there was phsical contact was once when i was out of town and two time when we were on vaction and it happened to be she was at the same place (set up by them)

dont know what to do we have no kids and have been married about 4 1/2 years this affair has been going on now for two years

she swears it over but how can i belive that and maybe more the problem how can i know if in her heart she is gay and trying to fool me and her parents who would not approve at all.

i am at a complete lose of what to do i belive i made a commitment to my wife and God to stay married threw the hard times but i will admit this is trying me

I am very sorry for you. Your wife sounds at the very least bisexual. It is has been my obervations that bisexual people have tremendous struggles staying monogamous in any relationship. It is clear that your wife refuses to cut contact with this OW and continues to lie and betray you. She has no credibility and seems to have no problems lying to you over and over again. Since you do not have children I think you should look at all options available to you. Look at your life now because the chances are pretty good this is exactly what your future will be. I wish you luck.

that is what i am having problems with, i want to work things out but i am worried this cycle will continue and i want to have kids but how can i bring them in to this that would be totally unresponciple of me. i always just assumed it would be easy to leave a wife that cheated but it hard for me to take that step--i am not sure how to get there even if it is the right thing for me
I always thought forever was forever but maybe not i have tried eveything to make this end and belived her every step of the way...maybe the writing is on the wall and i just cant see it
my next step is unclear to me i am living at my brothers house i have talked to her but not seen her face to face she wants to but i just cant bring my self to do it to make matters worse then they already are i work for her dad so i think it may be time to find another job they understand why i havent gone home they know the whole story wife painted a rosery picture then the truth but i set them straight but i suspect there will be a time if i dont go home they will circle the wagons sorry for the long post just at my wits end and have know idea how to move forward any help or advise would be appeciated

Hello again,

You really are in a bind. I would strongly recommend marriage counseling at this point. The problem that I see from your letter is that you forgave her once, twice and now three times when it comes to no contact. Is the other woman married? I hope so which means that you need to contact her husband which would make contact more difficult.
If she is not married then there is a huge problem.

At this point do not even consider having children. The actions of your wife indicate that she is not fully committed to the marriage with you. If the roles were reversed, how do you think she would be acting? I really feel sorry for you because it seems like you are trying. The problem is that you judge a person by their actions and not by their words and your wife's actions indicate that your marriage is not at the top of her priority list. The fact that she did not confess and you had to catch her indicates that the affair would still be continuing. Her continued contact indicates that she thinks she can still be a cakewoman where she can remain married to you and stay in contact with her female lover. This is a recipie for disaster for you. I wish you luck.

the other woman is married and i told her husband each of the three times and he has told her he would leave and take the kids...i have told her parents each of the three times and it seem never to help excpet teach my wife to be a little more descreet this last time i had not proof just a gut feeling and confronted her telling her i had proof and after about 10 min of bs from me she owned up to it but lied about how long it has been going on the third time...later talking to her on the phone i got it out of her how long it been going on...but she says they are just friends and she know its wrong to talk to her...my wife has never admited being gay and i am not sure if she thinks she is and is not saying or if she is so far in denial that she cant see it...today has been hard i have move out of anger stage and am just so hurt i feel like i wont to be alone then when i am alone i want to be around people i have great support from my brother and friend who is a pastor but it all seems so helpless... do i stay and try to work on it? do i leave and move on with my life? i dont have any idea in the world--- its a hard pill to swallow either way...

Hello once again,

I am at a loss. You have done everything correctly. Apparently the Other Woman has been willing to risk losing her marriage also and her kids over this affair. Your wife has been willing to lose her marriage over this as well. You have been seeking counseling but you are continuously forced to trick your wife into confessing the truth.

You have a right to be very hurt. I hope your wife is in counseling because she is the one that really needs it. I do not know what to advise you but I know personally I simply could not remain in a marriage where my spouse continuously lies to me and I would have to act as an invesigator to entrap her and catch her in those lies. A marriage is between two people and not three. If your wife cannot grasp this idea then I simply do not know what to tell you.
Maybe you should ask your wife if you had a lover on the side and betrayed her like she did you; would she expect you to remain in contact with that person and continue lying to her about it? It is sad that apparently your wife simply does not see or simply does not care how much pain she is inflicting on you by this continuing contact, lying and betraying behavior of hers. Only you know down deep when you have had enough. I wish you luck.

thanks for your help it has been good to talk about things...still have no idea what to do but i guess in time i will figure all this out. i am still at a lose why she would risk every thing for her i may never know why

down,

Well you asked something that I think is SIMPLE to answer. You asked
You don't make that decision. You let your W make that decision. You see you cannot control her contact with OW. You cannot control if she is willing to work on the marriage which was NOT great this past year right? So you do know when she has contact because her efforts and focus is not on you. So you simply call a meeting with her parents and her, and perhaps a counselor of your choice and you say simply: " I love you I want this to work, but it is not my decision. It is your decision W, what are you going to do to rebuild the trust you have destroyed, what are YOU going to do to help me heal and help rebuild this marriage?" And then sit down.

If she has no plan, if she shows no action or just the bare minimum, you have your answer. Collect the data and allow her to show you what SHE wants. If it does not meet what you want you leave, and until then definitely no children.

I have no doubt she has not admitted that she is gay, most don't. I have no idea how she expected to rebuild the marriage when she was in contact with her "friend". There is an old saying around here, you cannot be married and have a friend you have slept with and clearly her "friend" meets that category.

It is also clear from what you have said she has NOT put much effort in to rebuilding. So put it on her shoulders, and let her know you are willing to leave even if you still love her IF she cannot honor her word and her vows.

It is really that simple, but it is not easy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

downbutnotout:

I've skimmed through this thread as someone directed me towards it, hoping I could give you some input. There seems to be a trend of more lesbian affairs here lately! I had one a few years ago, which lasted for nearly 3 years. I had been happily married to a man for 17+ years before that, until the OW came along. I had never even wanted to be with a woman, but the A happened anyway.

Your wife should be in IC, hashing out a lot right now. You said that you don't know why she's risking her M and why the OW is risking her M and her children's futures? The two of them sound like they're very much knee-deep in their A. Right now I'm sure that they are both trying to figure out if they're lesbians. The sexuality side makes the A that much more complicated.

The only thing that you could do is to direct your wife to get help (help for herself!), and then she has some very important decisions to make. After that, you have decisions to make also. I wish you and your W a lot of luck!

CC

thank yall all for you advise and help, i am not sure what will happen with this. One this is clear to me now more then ever is she need to go to counseling and figure out the issues she has, i had asked he on many occastion to do this i even went to one with her but he did not seem to help. Seems like that may not be the case, any ideas how to find a counselor that could help her i am in fort worth, tx if anyone knows a good one here please let me know

well moved back in to my house from my brothers house. Still have not seen my wife yet not ready too. I have talkked to her on the phone she seem to be very sorry and says its all over with ow. I have set an appointment with IC and have told wife to do the same, i hope see does. Infact i think that will be something i will insist upon before she moves back in.