Can I pose a philosophical question? No doubt it's old and grey, but I'm new here and not familiar with what's probably already been discussed probably many many times...

Here it is. I suppose that when most people are courting, one thing they do is to try to figure out how good a match the other person is. Surely that's laudable. Ex: Do they have the same values/beliefs? Do they feel the same way about children? Careers? Where they live? How much money they want? Do they enjoy each others company? Etc.

Then after courtship they stand in front of the church and vow UNCONDITIONAL love - while simultaneously keeping in mind that each expects the other spouse to act consistently with discussions during courtship.

Is there a disconnect here? Both have vowed to love unconditionally, but really both probably have some pretty specific conditions in mind.

Now let a couple of years pass, and suppose that one spouse or the other - or both - are different in a fundamental way from courtship expectations. Either because spouse has evolved in some unpredictable direction as people will do; or because spouse deceived the intended during courtship.

Now what? Either way, it's likely that the marriage will undergo a lot of stress. How to resolve such a situation?

More fundamentally, should those getting married really expect their spouse to act (during the course of the marriage) consistently with representations made during courtship?

Any thoughts on any of this?

Courting is about making oneself look attractive to the other. It isn't "real". It's "preening". Rarely is the real baggage and expectations made known in that phase. There's talk of dreams, and maybe this, and I'd like to do that, and stuff, but not in the context of having to work those dreams and desires and make them take place with another person and all the other responsibilities.

Nobody courts anybody by saying I'm moody, selfish, am only going to spend the minimum amount of time with you to get you off my case so I can "do my own thing".

There may be a few, but not many.

In courting, hormones are in play, endorphins, the biochemical stuff with being "in-love" is all cranking along, people will do and say almost anything.

Including "I'll love you forever".

Then marriage comes along. And the ootz factor wears off, and the gushy love stuff is gone, and now a *real* relationsihp has to be formed out of the remnants. And that's where the adventure begins.