OK.....this is a serous question...

I'll be divorced next month. (can't wait)
I have been asked out by so many people the past few weeks...It's like someone opened the doors and out came a bunch of men or something. LOL....seriously.
I'm tryig to meet people and just hang out..nothing more until the divorce in final.
My question is how in the heck do I handle this? Can I go out and just hang out with different people? I feel guily. I don't know why because I'm not doing anything with anybody. I never knew single life could be so crazy. All of these men know that I'm not divorced and respect that. None of them have tried anything. They are all very nice...so why am I feeling guilty for having more than one "freind"??? Ugghhhhh! I can't deal with all this attention I'm getting... Please someone tell me if this is normal..
I know this is probably a stupid question but I had to ask..

I know ThBigGuy asked a similar question....but he's single.

Tree,

There is nothing wrong with having more than one friend, provided that you make it clear to them.

I went through the same thing, it was overwhelming at first. I had not dated since I was 17 and here I was a 37 yr old woman and now I had all these men paying attention to me.

You might want to read what I posted in TBG's thread.


Good luck!

Well, if these men have already asked you out, then I would disagree that they are respecting the fact that you are not divorced.

That notwithstanding, the standard answer is that it's best to wait for a while after divorcing before seriously dating anyone - most likely, any serious relationship at this stage will be purely a rebound.

Doesn't mean you can't go out on dates, but just be careful. Oh, and don't get caught up in the high of having all these guys after you - it is nice to have the attention, but most of them are simply sharks who smell blood in the water.

AGG

TreeReich,

You can't be serious! Why are all those men after you? Have you looked at your photo on the Photo Thread? Your STBXH must be crazy!

As AGoodGuy wrote, be careful. The sharks are starting to circle.

ItsAllAboutMe...I'll check out your thread...

AGoodGuy.....well, they didn't know I was married and going through a divorce when they asked me out....they know now and are being respectful....honestly. Well, I guess I'm not a man so I wouldn't know their motives. lol
I am being very careful. I know there are sharks out there. :-)

RAG...thanks! I am more than just what I look like on the outside though. I know that men look at that first though. Oh boy.....I just didn't know it would be like this. LOL

Maybe you feel guilty because you aren't ready or, more probable, seeing more than one man at a time is not what you do. Listen to your inner voice ALWAYS. If it tells you something isn't right, it isn't right. That doesn't mean it's wrong, just not right for you.

CheckUrHeart.....thank you! You are probably right. I'm not one to be with more than one person. I'm always worried I'm going to hurt someone. It's just not something I can and want to do to someone....

Tree Reich - Good for you - at least you know there are plenty of opportunities out there... Where they heck are all of the men coming from??? Just curious as to where you are meeting them?? I mean I have decided I am not ready for dating - I don't have the time and well with other issues but just wondering where they are when I am ready to meet some????

I meant to mention that AGG is absolutely right. I work with a woman who I have given the same advice to. She couldn't wait for her divorce to be final, because all these "really nice men" were paying her so much attention. She's a looker, too. Well, her dicovrce has been final just at eight months and she's already been involved with six of these "really nice men." They woo her, get her in bed, have some fun for a few weeks and then start the "I'm beginning to feel a sense of responsibility toward you | you're developing feelings for me | I'm beginning to have feelings for you | I'm feeling tied down | etc. (choose one) and I'm not ready for a committed relationship." This just happened with BF no. 6 the night before she went out of the country on vacation for two weeks. He just called and said he was moving on. The night after she returned to the States, she went out and the sharks were once again circling.

Thanks for the support, it sounds like you and I know men pretty well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I wonder if these "really nice men" are out from the outset to exploit a woman they know to be vulnerable, or if they are surprised by her neediness and then back off? Put another way, are they simply going into this planning to "date" someone and then chicken out because the needy aspect of the relationship scares them, or do they go into it knowingly, anticipating an easy conquest.

Personally, I shudder when I see an online profile of someone whose status says "separated" - it just screams "Needy!" and "Easy kill!" to me - I move on to the next profile when I see this, but I bet there are lots of men who actually seek out such women.

AGG

A little of both, AGG. Some of them actively look for a woman who's "celebrating" a divorce/break up, since, as we've seen here, they often aren't thinking clearly and easy to manipulate. Other guys are just on the prowl for sex and don't have any intention of the relationship going on for more than a few weeks. One swinging batchelor friend of mine advised me: "never have sex with a woman more than three times unless you want a relationship with her. Three times is the magic number for women. After that, they start falling in love." Shudder...... Other men are genuine, but not emotionally intelligent. They don't see that a woman who still has wet ink on their divorce decree is not a candidate for a relationship. They dive in and get scalded.

Thanks for all the advice!!! Well, I know me and I WILL not be lseeping with any man anytime soon. I don't mind going on a date but I will sae the SF for someone I get serious with and that isn't going to be for a while. I'm a strong woman and don't buy into all the games men play. I have told these men just that!!!! I also speak my mind so I'm not worried about knocking some guy out who makes a move on me that is unwanted. I may look sweet and innocent but I'm a tough cookie! :-)

Maw64...I've met these men through friends and one at the store. It just seems like all of a sudden I'm getting noticed. I am working out and on a diet. Maybe that's why. lol

All I have to say is don't make any long term commitments with anyone you develop feelings for within the first two years. You are going to have feelings, you will probably get involved, you will get hurt, you will feel good and best of all, you'll heal.

And... don't lie to yourself... if the guy is "coming on to you" (expressing an interest), makes you feel good about yourself, and you "hang out together", it's a date.

But that's not a bad thing. I think that most, if not all, people who go through a divorce, need to feel desired, need to feel wanted. It's part of the healing process. Just don't make any long term commitments from it.

Good Luck.

Thanks TBG! I plan on being very cautious. I know that sometimes we can't control how we feel but I am pretty guarded. I truly don't want to be in a long term relationship anytime soon. I just want to go to dinner and a movie and enjoy my life. I plan on being very honest about that with anyone I go out with. I don't want to hurt anyone either as well as get hurt myself. I've had enough heartache for a lifetime. :-)

" I know that sometimes we can't control how we feel"

You know, I do not believe this is true. Of course we can control our feelings; we do it all the time. We are constantly meeting people to whom we are attracted either physically, emotionally, or both. But we don't fall in love with all these people. We don't because we maintain an emotional detatchment that prvents a level of intimacy sufficient to grow into love from forming. People who cheat on their spouses fail to maintain this boundry.

So this lead to the next logical consideration. When we speak of "dating" here, we are talking about the context wherein dating is defined as participating in activities with members of the opposite sex for the purpose of finding a sexual, romantic or life partner. If one is not ready or does not desire to fulfill one of these goals, dating is a pointless endeavor. Rather, we should forego dating and seek companionship from friends and family.

So, TreeReich, if you don't think you can maintain your boundries and you are not seeking a relationship or a sexual partner, you should not be dating men. There are many other ways of having fun without dating.

I’ve talked about this issue with some of my divorced friends. They told me they started dating a month after the divorce was finalized. Nothing serious, just casual. However, I really have no desire to date and don’t see myself in that situation for quite some time. It’s not that I don’t want to date, it’s just that I really don’t want to invest energy into anything other then myself &#61514;

I don’t even see myself casually dating, which is what a lot of my divorce friends did as soon as their divorce was finalized. Part of me desires a friend to go see a movie or have dinner with sometime, but I don’t want anything beyond that.

Usually I’m pretty shy and rarely ask girls out unless I know for sure they will say yes. This aspect of my character bothers me since I am getting older and I can’t just wait around until I hear someone is interested … I think having guys ask you out as soon as your divorced is at least an ego booster and helps one’s self esteem.

timn420, I have a female friend that I spend time with. We usually make a meal together once a week and sit around chatting, etc. We will often go off on adventures together. I'm very fond of her. I know she'd like more than this, but she's a smart lady and understands that I'm simply not going to go there with her or anyone else for some time to come. I'd not be able to have this relationship with some woman I am dating in the traditional sense; she'd have wanted to hop off the fence and go for more long before.

Checkurheart, Actually I do have a female friend that I have developed a friendship for during my divorcing period. I really think God was looking out for me as she was able to get me out of the house and give me a life again. The problem is that I think she is starting to have feelings towards me.

I have stopped hanging out with her so much, just on Friday/Saturday, and I try to communicate to her that we are just friends. I’m pretty sure she still wants more. She voiced that she has dumped her boyfriend and is available. On the flip side she has provided me with future contacts and possible friends that I wouldn’t be able to meet on my own. I don’t want to lose her as a friend but don't want her to think that once I’m over my wife I will come for her. Guess I should have a more serious talk with her..

I guess this is something to watch out for when developing new friendships after a divorce.

Read "Dating for Dummies"?

Book Says you HAVE to wait one full year AFTER the divorce is FINAL or your next relationship will likely crash and burn.

This apparently goes for ANY dating--casual or otherwise, and allows for no exceptions.

has anyone read this book or listened to the author's radio show (Dr, Joy Browne)?

Yeah, have another chat with her and let her know exactly how you feel. maybe you will never develop any feelings for her beyond the platonic and she must understand and accept this. And you just never know, as you get better andwant more, you may develop feelings for her. She just can't put her life on hold for you. But if she chooses to stay available for awhile so that if and when you are ready you may consider her, that is her choice to make.

I can tell you that if I ever marry again, it will be to someone who is first my friend and lover later. I really think this dating and romance thing has it all backward.