Well, this is going to be similar to threads that both TR and TBG have going right now, but I didn't want to threadjack with my own issues.....

I've been divorced a little over a year now. During that time, I've been seeing one guy, albeit on a fairly casual basis. We usually don't get to see each other more than once a month, sometimes not even that. And he made it clear from the very beginning that he was not looking for a serious relationship, and that we would not be exclusive.

I was up-front from the start too - I told him that for the immediate future, I was ok with that. That there was a LOT of pain from the problems in the marriage, and especially from the way my EX handled a lot of things, and I was not looking for a serous relationship right away. But I also told him that I was not the kind to date around, and eventually, I would probably want something more serious, and that I understood that meant that I'd have to find someone OTHER than him.

Moving forward from those discussions, which were almost a year ago, to now, nothing has changed with the relationship with this guy. Which is fine - he was clear about this from the start. Well, recently, I changed the pictures I had up on Match.com, and either there's something in the air right now, or the one's I had up originally were just not very good at all (which I kind of knew - one was a glamour shot from years ago, because at the time it was all I had, but I know that's not very successful on dating sites.) Because lately, I seem to be getting 2 or 3 responses a day - before I wasn't getting quite that many, and most were from guys I wouldn't have even considered contacting. The one's lately have seemed to be much more well-matched to me...at least, from what little I can tell from their profiles, which, granted, is still not a real good indicator.

At any rate, I've been e-mailing and chatting with another guy recently, and we've gotten to that point - he asked me out last night. I said yes, though we still have to schedule a time, but... (ah, you knew the 'but' had to be there, didn't you?)

I find myself very ambivilent about a date and pursuing a relationship with him. Which seems strange to me - so far, everything has gone well, and he does seem nice enough. And really, the only way to tell more IS to meet. And I definitely AM a "date only one person" kind of woman. So, it is in my best interest to either not be involved with anyone, or look for someone who is interested in an exclusive relationship.

So, what it boils down to is that I'm not sure what's going on with me here. The possibilities that I've come up with are:

a. I'm more attached to guy #1 than I'm admitting even to myself because I know that he's already said he does not want to be exclusive,

b. I'm not really ready to have a serious relationship again yet, and even though I've told guy #2 that I don't know what I want yet, I feel safer with guy #1 because he HAS said he doesn't want anything serious,

c. Because I've never dated more than one person at a time, I'm now feeling guilty, or

d. I'm just generally screwed up and can't figure out what I want anymore!

I'm not really sure which of these is it, though I'm leaning toward some mixture of b & c, though d is a very close runner-up.

So, since I'm having trouble figuring it out, any suggestions on HOW to figure it out? Or maybe I should just forget the whole mess and go become a nun (which really would be a bit drastic, considering I'm not even Catholic.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm VERY quickly remembering why I never really liked dating the first time around..... I hate all these uncertainties and questions. I just want to have someone that I'm comfortable with to spend time with - to give me a hug when I need it, and to hug when he needs it. The whole dating thing that happens before you get to that point just makes me a nervous wreck though.

One date does not a serious relationship make <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Do you think it's (e) you're just nervous, and you need to lighten up and just go and enjoy it? Perhaps if you do, you'll find out more of the answers to your questions....

How will you find the right person if you don't meet anyone?
I'm very much like you in that safe is comfortable and easy. But that doesnt' allow us to test our boundaries, or or intuitions about people.
I have someone safe now too, and it's easy and requires no work, we just get together occasionally and that's enough for both of us. So, like you, I'm not ready for a relationship.
I tried match and got nowhere, and dont' have the energy to try again now.
I have a friend who's tried both match and eharmony and is very serious about finding her soulmate. She's done her emotional work and has had a number of dates from those sites and can judge quickly whether it will work or not, but she's met people because it's a good check on your impressions.

She also stresses to me that I need to know myself befor I find what I want, and when I get too comfortable with BF, she has me review my "must haves" from the eharmony book. BF only meets 3 of 10 (although when I tried to stretch that to 5 she cautioned me on my rosy view.)

So, what are your "must haves" and "can't stands"? Do you know yourself well enough to establish appropriate boundaries in dating.

You may meet some nice people and get to know yourself better. She keeps bugging me to try match again, but with work and the kids I don't have the energy. I consider BF a guilty pleasure.

One trait I'll be looking for in my next relationship, someone who can fix things and will help take care of a house. Too many projects, too little time and money.

For reasons a, b, c, and d, you should not be dating right now. Someone's going to get hurt or in trouble.

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please have some respect for yourselves. This is a really stupid way to ask a woman out:

Him: So would you like to go out sometime?
Your only response should be: that might be pleasant.

Note that this man is simply not doing much to impress you. Here's what you should be shooting for:

Him: I would love to take you to dinner at Andre's next Thursday evening. I recall that you said you love xxxxxx and the chef there does it very well. I'd be honored if you join me.
You: Thank you, I'd love to.
Him: Meet you in the bar at 7:30?
etc....

See the difference? One man's just wanting to set something up for some time in the future. He doesn't know what because he doesn't know enough about you to suggest something he knows you'd like, or worse, doesn't care. The second man has listened to you and has picked a date, time, and place for something he knows you'll enjoy.

Now, which man do you think is going to be able to show you the better time and make you feel special?

I love what you are saying checkurheart. I don't know many men that do that. At least not many under 40.

I talked to the nicest guy last week from match. He said things "I would be honored to talk with you", when he sent his first e-mail. And, "thank for coming out to talk with me", after we met for a drink. It really made me think about the way most men ask for dates these days.

(sorry, you got me goin here... LOL)

I met a guy on match, and he wanted to talk instead of e-mailing a whole lot. That was fine, so we talked and got along just fine. Then he kept saying he wanted to do something, and we'd tentatively plan something, and he'd say "Check your schedule and I'll call you back tomorrow and we'll confirm it." This went on for about 3-4 days. We'd talk and he'd say "I'll call you back tomorrow." duh, so I finally said, since the weekend was approaching "lets nail something down so I can plan my weekend". He didn't know his schedule because of work or something. He would let me know. I thought to myself "whatever". He tried to call me one more time and I wasn't home. Forget him!!! LOL

You're right, check. They really need to set up a definite date, or we need to drop them. I mean, maybe one mention of "lets do something sometime", or one "I'll call you tomorrow" is acceptable, but after that, is unacceptable.

Some thoughts on your possibilities:

A) do you find elusiveness a challenge? do you think you're hanging in there with guy #1 to see if you can change his mind. I find myself doing that sometimes.

B) safety is nice, but can be boring. If you've taken the steps to go on Match/e-mail and talk to people/make plans to meet...then I think you're probably ready to let go of the safety net.

C) dating more than one person is ok. no need to feel guilty. especially if you have let all other parties know your position.

D) We all are. I'm right there with you too!

My suggestion:
try not to take it so seriously -- I think its awesome to get to know as many people as you can. It doesn't have to be anything more than that. Until you want it to be. You will absolutely know when that is.

Until then...its just making new friends.

Check -

In all fairness to guy#2, I didn't let him get there. He had led up to this with talking about several different places he liked, asking what I thought of them. He brought up a place that sounds like it has a lot of atmosphere. Said he would like to take me there sometime, and I said that sounded nice. So, he said, well, it sounds like we should meet then. I said yes, but not this weekend, as I have a couple of things planned with church already, but maybe the following weekend. And followed that immediately saying I needed to get offline (we were in chat - I haven't given him my phone number, but then I'm not much for talking on the phone; on the computer, or in person, but on the phone doesn't do much for me.) I said we had plenty of time to figure out particulars, so we could talk about that later.

In other words, I was pretty much the one running scared, though I was trying not to let it show.

And I realized I left out a couple of possibilities which I think are really in the back of my mind a lot:

1. That the reason I'm ambivilent is that there's something in the e-mails and chats so far that's giving me warning signals, and I'm just not seeing it clearly, or

2. That I'm backing off because I'm worried there ARE warning signals there that I'm just not seeing.

----
Newly... yeah, you're right. I guess I need to come up with requirements other than "anything but what my XH was like," huh? Sigh.
----

and Faith... Lots of good points.... I probably am taking all this WAY too seriously. I tend to be a people-pleaser, so I just want to make everyone happy.

Lexxy -

Actually, your point C above is making me think a lot. I wonder if the problem isn't... well, the convo with guy #1 was quite some time ago. We haven't really talked about it since. And I don't have any real reason to think he's changed his mind, but... I also don't want to hurt anyone. Which means it's probably time for a "checkup" talk on the issue, just to make sure we are still on the same page on this. The problem is, I have a real aversion to initiating conversations like that. If he were to start the conversation, I'd have no trouble talking about it, but I find it very difficult to bring these things up myself. I avoid it like the plague. More damage from the marriage problems and divorce, I fear. My XH hated talking about "us", and if I tried to bring something up, he made it all very unpleasant in his own passive agressive way.

I don't know, maybe that DOES mean I'm not far enough out from the divorce yet, and I still have some healing to do. But, I also think it's the kind of thing that won't get any better unless I put myself in the situation and make myself handle it.

And I'm really not sure which I'm afraid of - that he'll say nothing has changed, and that I should go and have fun, or that he'll say no, don't go.

Argh!!!!! I really am overthinking this, aren't I?

I would definitely give up on the whole dating idea if men weren't so darned fun and useful to have around sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe you're keeping man 1 around as an excuse not to date. He can be used for keeping others at a distance & for the very occasional date. He made it clear he doesn't want a serious relationship & that's ok but it sounds like you may just be rethinking your desire to be with someone.

You don't have to go from .5 to 100 in one step but if you're going to move forward, toward a relationship, you'll have to step out & meet & date people.

Raise the bar ladies! We men are very trainable, almost as good as a puppy! You require men to treat you like a lady and they - the ones worth the effort - will rise to the occasion. If they haven't been schooled in the ways of a gentleman - and I realize a lot of younger men haven't been (who do we see about theat?) - they can always learn and will if they want to stay in the game.

American women seem to have forgotten something fundamental. Mate selection for the human species is the sole domain of the female, NOT the male. The males, not so differently from other species, preen and strut and try to get you notice. It is yours to accept of reject. This gives you quite a bit of power. Don't surrender this power, use it. This doesn't mean playing games, but set your standards high and reject every [censored] on the yard who doesn't dance your dance. Believe me, ultimately, you will be glad you did. Not only will you winnow out the loosers, but you'll also entice the ones who are looking for something special.

CheckUrHeart....I think you should write a book! You have some great advice!!!!! I truly enjoy reading your posts!!!!

WHOA, now that CheckUH was to the point! and well said.
Let's remember this ladies.

That was a good one.

Karona

Yes, I do see your point CheckUH.

And I agree.... I just forget it sometimes.

I'm a typical middle child - always trying to make everyone happy - even if it means I'm not.

Guess I need to suck it up, have that talk with guy #1 to see if everything is still the same, and then decide how I feel about the answer, whatever it is.

And then I can decide if I'm even ready to go out with someone else or not..... and if I am, start raising the bar a bit.

To be continued.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't have a problem with "Would you like to go out sometime?". Some people are shyer, less certain of themselves, and are testing the waters by asking. I like "We should go out sometime", less. That really has no commitment to meeting, in my book.

If the "would you like to go out sometime" keeps on being asked with no suggestion of exploring a date and time, I would be concerned. I might say, "You know we both say that we'd like to go out sometime, but we never seem to firm anything up". His response at that time would be very important to me.

The second approach you suggested would come across to me as just a little too "smooth"...well rehearsed..used to saying what he thinks women want to hear to feel special...etc. Some red flags would be up on that one for me.

I don't see either approach as automatically being superior or inferior. Unless something is a "deal breaker", I think it's important to look at the total picture of your interactions/communications....not just the way a few concepts are discussed.

Raise the bar ladies! We men are very trainable, almost as good as a puppy! You require men to treat you like a lady and they - the ones worth the effort - will rise to the occasion. If they haven't been schooled in the ways of a gentleman - and I realize a lot of younger men haven't been (who do we see about theat?) - they can always learn and will if they want to stay in the game.

What the ****** is this? Men are trainable? Puppy?
What a load of crap.

While I am all about treating the ladies who are ladies like a lady, let me get something very straight. Any woman who thinks she can "train" me in any way, shape or form will be kicked to the curb. I don't have time for that. If my wife would even speak of training me I would file for D so fast she wouldn't even have time to say "I'm sorry".

I expect respect, and any woman who thinks of men as trainable dogs do not respect them. No respect = the foot.

Also, I don't preen in front of woman, never have, never will. If I want to talk to you I will come up to you and start a conversation. That's it. If they don't like it, then go away. By far American women have it easiest when it comes to dating. Not just dating but life in general. Try going to Brazil or Russia were woman outnumber men almost 2:1 and then see how much mate selection the women do.

If a woman wants to be treated like a lady then she needs to act like one. That means femininity- take care of yourself. Paint your toenails, wear a dress or skirt out to a nice restaurant, keep yourself clean and groomed when we are out, wear makeup.
Be polite, courteous, and praise all the nice things a man is doing for you, reciprocate generosity. Control yourself and do not get drunk on the first date. Do not dominate the conversation; patiently wait until he opens the door for you. Let him order for you after you told him what you want, let him make the first move, don't cuss during dinner, eat the food on your plate - do not waste his money by ordering a big meal and eating two bites; let him pay if he offers.

These are some of the qualities a lady has. At least when we go out. Ladies are treated like ladies. Not all women deserve to be treated like ladies. You need to look the part and act the part. Don't expect men act like gentlemen around you if you do not act lik a lady. Sounds like I make a lot of the rules here eh? Yep. I don' have time for foolishness. I don't want a "best friend". I have one of those already and I doubt you could offer anything friendship wise that I do not already have from him. I want a lady.

If you think so low of yourself as to be considered a trainable puppy then go ahead. But I have more self respect than that.

I also put the toilet seat back down. LOL

Calm down, Tibolt. The comment was toung-in-cheek. I have not ego or eself-esteem problems.

Why are you so hostile suddenly? Don't answer me, but yourself.

So Tibolt, got a question for ya.

If you became romantically involved with someone that you had dated for a term, what is she to you? A THING or OBJECT?

Seriously, you don't consider your partner or your significant other "a friend"? Why is that?

Jo

Hmmmm. Don't the [color:"blue"]words above[/color] appear like someone trying to TRAIN others? Interesting coming from someone who is vehemently opposed to being TRAINED himself.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Jo