I posted on another discussion with no replys...So Im trying this one...

Hi all...
I have previouly visited this site within the last 6 months jut reading...
I now need advice myself...Which I should have asked for advice long b4 my marriage got to this...
Ok here goes...I am 24 years old, Have been married 5 1/2 years...We have a 4 year old special needs son...
In the last 1 1/2 years my husband has not been there for us "emotionally"...He started hanging around with a younger crowd again, always with the guys, playing softball, fishing, hunting, golf...Family was the last thing on his mind...HE pushed me and his son away...Never there when I needed him the most for emotinal support thru our sons sickness'...The last 6 months have been even worse...To the point that I told him I wanted to leave, he said he did not want to loose his family and would try harder...For a couple of weeks he did, then it went back to how it was before...
THEN HERE IS WHERE I AM WRONG...In late March I met this guy online...We started chatting, I then connected with his brother and his brothers fiance...We all talked for a couple of months....They are bothin the military...The fiance cheated, and I was there for BOTH her and the guy...And THEN it happened...Neither of us expected it to happen this way...But it did...So here I am...
Unhapily married, my husand knows I am, and knows my plans to leave...But we stay together...Mostly b/c of convience, money...
This "guy" tells me he does not want me to leave hubby for him, that I need to do it on my own when im ready...But he does want us to be together WHEN I do that...
Im in love with someone from online, that I havent met...We plan on meeting within the next couple of weeks...
I have a decision to make...SOON...I dont think my husband deserves to be wronged...I havent been able to look him in the eyes, tell him I love him, we arent physcial with each other...Which he was never that way to me b4, but I have now started to pull away...
I can see my life with this other man...
THe hardest thing is getting children involved...I have my son, and he has 2 kids taht he is raising...So we are thinking of the kids thru all this...
We are suppose to be meeting soon...We had planned on NOT meeting until I left and filed for divorce, BUT our feelings on that has changed...We both have talked and dont plan on being "sexual" b/c I am still married...We both know it is wrong...But the "emotions" are there, we cant hide that...
I have read advice on EA...And I have never even felt I should stop talking to him...I never enen considered thatI was haveing a "emotional affiar" until this site...
Im at a loss...I know WHAT I want...I had planned on leaving hubby b4 this guy came into the picture...I prepared myself for it emotionally...I do have a feeling that once we meet, I WILL leave to be with him and move out to be with him and his kids...
When do I tell hubby? Do I tell him? What happens next?
I know I am wrong...Thats why Im looking here for advice b4 I make this LIFE changing decision, b/c ALOT of people will be affected by this...
Thanks..I look forward to hearing from all of you...

Niki0725:

I am sorry that no one has replied to your previous posts I know how frustrating that can be when you are desperate for advice. So I don't know if this is any good advice but here I go...You are not receiving what you need from your H so on the internet you found someone who will be there for you, but that is the fog that they always talk about. An internet relationship is not real, it doesn't deal with the children, bills, life. It is the thrill that you get when you first are dating someone but you don't really know them. My H had an A that started on the internet too...they were "just friends" and when they met for the first time in person with absolutely no intent to sleep together (because they were just friends) well it "just happened". I think that with your emotional state and feelings this will happen to you too. Go to your H and try to work it out, try MC alone and or together. Work your hardest for all of you to find if your marriage is salvegable before you do anything further with the OM. If things are really meant to be with the two of you then you need to end your M, but do give it your best to make sure that your marriage is not what you really want and need. An A will be so painful to many people in the end and is not the answers to your problems. You will never be able to fix your problems by talking to the OM, you need to be talking to your H.

Talking to your H once is not the answer and things are not going to get better right away...you have to work at it together..tell him that if he really wants to keep his family then to go to MC with you. Work it out with him before you continue anything with the OM

I hope that this is helpful to you. You sound like you have made up your mind about seeing the OM though. Think first...have you done your best at trying to work at your marriage?

Losttiger (LT)

Niki,

Welcome to MB. If it is straight recovery talk you want, you have come to the right place.

Please read the concepts info above, then read Surviving an Affair by Dr. W. Harley. Read it slowly. Let it all sink in. Then tackle His Needs/Her Needs so you understand how the genders need to communicate. Even on the day to day stuff, much less R talk. It is quite different.

As for the OM, he maybe nice and feel good at the moment. Most of us have unmet needs in our M. But that is not an excuse to have an A. Also if you go with this OM, there's no telling what unmet needs you will have with him and then where will you go? Setting a pattern of running and your life will never be fulfilled or settled.

How well do you really know yourself and your H? Really know?

Read those books and come back to tell us what you think. If you can schedule a phone counseling session or 2 with Jennifer from MB (ph# above in the counseling section), that w/b the best place to start (in addtion to reading....you still should read those books). Jennifer will help you understand how you feel and what you w/b facing.

There is a lot to learn about where you both are and need t/b. Recovery c/b together or separate. There is personal and marital recovery. Marital recovery will take both of you and your H working together. Personal recovery is within your reach right now.

So what will it be?

L.

Read CARDSONLY's thread here on emotional online affairs...it's LONG, but it's got tons of advice you could use. Take a look at my post over on the recovery thread...you might even reach out and post on Card's thread and talk with Cards, 2BNormal, and some of the others who have been through both sides of this.

Just my thoughts.

Hi Niki, I am a betrayed spouse my husband started an emotional affair. We have 5 kids together. I thought about giving it all up but we would still have the very same issues that got us to this place, but with bigger problems having to do with child support, assets, visitation, remarriage....

Take the time to really think and let the denial go, crack open reality. Even just take a break for a week from the other man, he's addictive like smoking crack. each time you talk to him it will be harder to think clearly.

Then, really really think hard about what you are giving up. Your first marriage has the best chance to be a happy healthy one. Subsequent marriages are not as successful and have more complex problems to deal with, especially with marriages that began based on lies and cheating. Children of divorce have issues to deal with as well.

Think about your child. What are you teaching your child about facing responsibility? How are you going to teach your child how to deal with personal problems and problems in marriage if you bail to be with another man. With that other man support you with your special needs child, when he is not his flesh and blood? The child's father is the only one that can support you and your son because he is the father.

Remember you will have the very same set of problems but with a different pair of pants in the house.

You really have to consider WHAT you have done or not done to do everything you can to save your marriage. You have to fight...why? its the right thing to do. And if you don't win you know you go out with a clean heart.

Once you cross that line physically with another man, or the divorce is final, you can never get it back. You will always be a cheater and you will always be a divorced woman.

Also, consider trying to find good qualities in your husband and focus on those...because your cheating side is going to find any and all excuses to justify leaving him for another man. Stop all contact immediately, but then you can take some time if you need to think a bit clearer on what to do to set things right.

No matter how big a jerk he has been, it is no excuse to treat him cruelly and give what is his to another man. You are 'one flesh' with your husband, that means more than just being a partner. Your hearts are meshed together and that is why adultery hurts so badly. You have to be totally honest and open about your feelings of lack in your marriage, and your hurt. and don't be afraid to go to counseling. I just went for the first time it was scary, but I'm so glad I have a place to work things through.

Good luck! and STOP CONTACT IMMEDIATELY you are moving faster than your braincells can think.

Niki,

Cardsonly’s thread on emotional online affairs is great and you will find tons of help and advice there. Also go to this link and read all 4 letters to Dr Harley about infidelity on the internet.

Here is another link you can read and will find helpful:

Internet infidelity

Blessings,
Suzet

Hi Niki -

I had an online emotional affair with a married man. I will testify to the truth that you may "feel" you know this man, but in reality you do not! Online affairs are very intense and you "feel" that you have found someone who really understands you and is meeting all of your needs.

You said the emotions are there and you can't hide that. That is true and those do feel very real. The OM and I felt we could talk about anything and we felt so "in love". But, think about this...you don't really know how he is day to day...how he acts in person...etc. Online you can show the best of you, but you really don't know what he is like in "real life" as much as you want to think you do. Believe me, I felt I "knew" the OM. But, as my marriage healed, I realized I didn't know how it would really be like to be with him every day and I was willing to give up my life for this man!

I, too felt I would possibly leave my H for this man who I never met, but thankfully it all ended when his W found some of our emails! The OM and I knew our relationship was wrong from the beginning, but we were sucked into the fantasy of it. And yes, those emotions were very overwhelming.

You also mentioned that the hardest part would be the children involved. How do you think your children would feel if you up and left to be with the OM who is an absolute stranger to them (Let alone you)? Do you think the children would welcome this relationship? As I look back over my EA, and if I would have left my marriage for this OM, I know for an absolute fact it would have devastated my children! I know for an absolute fact that they would never have accepted this man!

I urge you to take a look at Cardsonly's thread as others have mentioned and also take a look at some of my posts. You will get some good insight as to how some of us felt exactly as you do and how our marriages started to heal when we stopped all contact with the OM.

You have received some good advice here. For your marriage to have any chance, you need to end all contact with the OM.

Niki - What decision have you made?