Hi everyone,
It's been a couple of weeks since I posted. My ww finally cut off contact with om after a 6 week affair.She admitted in counseling that she didn't trust herself not to contact him again. I need to make sure she doesn't. I am at the end of my rope and will definetly kick her out if she contacts him again.It's just too painfull at this point, you know. I feel I have endured enough pain for this woman.All the text messages and emails just make me sick at this point.
What is the next step toward helping her through Wd from OM?
I can see flashes of her old self over the past ten days but I can tell she misses him.I am just confused about how to behave. I stuff my anger because I know blowing up won't help.It's so damn hard to give positive attention to someone that hurt me so bad.(It's not like I get anything back for my efforts.
Anyway just wanted to check in and ask for any advice out there.

How should u behave?

U s/b behaving well.....u should be implementing your best practices you have learned from plan A. The changes you have incorporated s/b now part of your life. Plan A is not for temporary changes.

Real recovery means the Xws is looking and working on ways to make the BS feel safe. At times the BS' taker gets a bit pushy but that s/b expected. If the Xws starts showing her/his selfish side, then it is back to square 1 on recovery. You can't move the M forward if the Xws is selfish. That's a WS' attitude not t/b tolerated in recovery.

The BS s/b cariing and cautious. Can you do that?

JMHO,
L.

kdh, in every interaction with her, ask yourself this question: am I behaving in a manner that is more or less attractive than the OM? Focus on meeting her needs and wooing her back to you. Try to be the man with whom she fell in love with. I know you are angry, but just know this, kdh, everytime you lovebust her you make the OM look more attractive. You help HIM when you act in an unattractive manner.

As she withdraws from the OM, she needs a place to draw to. Let that place be YOU.

Who is this OM? Did you tell me that he is single?

Kdh, you wil find this thread on withdrawal helpfull (just click on the link). This thread will also give you some better insight & understanding in what your W is currently going through with the withdrawal.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks. I am implementing caring and cautious behavior. The anger moments come and go but I don't blow up on her. She definetly has two sides. When the selfish side comes out I respectfuly respond to her. For example: I complimented her on her outfit by saying "you look lovely tonight". She replied " I know". I politely said " Thank you is a more appropriate response to a compliment". Do you think this is an effective way to deal with the selfish side of my ww? If not do you have any other suggestions?
Thanks

Just try to be nice most of the time, really nice. If you have questions about the A, keep them to yourself for a while. You will have to be very tough until she "breaks" and comes to you with a real apology. Once my FWW had her breakdown, she was a different person. Give it a while yet, took mine about 6 weeks after NC to completely come to her senses.

I don't know if that is exactly being selfish by saying "I know" to your compliment. It may be slighly rude, but it isn't being selfish.

One thing about the Plan A....I keep telling myself my motivation in plan A is to fix the things I wasn't doing right in the first place. I may or may not win back my spouse, but changing my own behavior is the right thing to do regardless.

edited to add: this is the hardest thing for me as BS. I feel I should have the right to demand change from my spouse because I'm the innocent one. But, the spouse still has the choice to change behavior or not. Watch out for yourself that you don't slip into control mode......its a tough one for sure. Good luck to you.

I hear you and thanks. I am trying not to be clingy yet still show the affection that got lost and led to the affair. She is still a bit cold when I make affectionate gestures. I think that is mostly because she feels she doesn't deserve my kindness.She is respecting my request to do things that make me feel more comfortable. For example: being accountable for her whereabouts when we are seperate.Before she was fighting me on this issue, so I guess that's progress. She is in touch with the fact that she is not trustworthy and doesn't trust herself. That fact came out in our first counceling session.She no longer gets offended and lets me know what she is doing all times without me asking sometimes.
The anger has susided quite a bit. When it comes up I just count to ten and breath slowly.
as far as thinking about the other man when I am around her, it's really hard. I don't want to build up more resentments by comparing myself to him. That will make me angry with her.I am trying to be like my old self but devoid of any comparisons to om.
I don't know the om. Supposedly he has a girlfriend that he is unhappy with,go figure.

hey well, its the toughest thing ever to deal with.....believe me I know....

Do everything you can to give your life with your XWW a sense of normalcy. Reserve talks about the A to once or twice a week, not hourly, daily or every other day. WS's perceive this as "throwing the A in their face". Use this time to reconnect, by dating and doing things that are fun for the both of you. Movies, bowling, dinner, weekend outings around people who you don't know, or people who are supportive of your marriage.

Don't push. Her taker will remain in place through withdrawal. Your giver should be working overtime, as hard as it is, you still have to do it. Your taker will need to remain on the shelf, locked safely away until she is through withdrawal. You will notice a new life in her eyes, the "eyes" you knew before the A. Rejoice in every positive thing you see, but brace yourself for set-backs. Do not let her "alien" moments jolt LoveBusters out of your mouth. Every negative thing you say or do makes her look to the OM as her savior from this "horrible marriage" thay she's re-written the history of, to justify her A.

Keep conversations positive and light. Don't tell her what her response should be, just be creative and inject some humor and laughter into the situation. Make lemonade out of Lemons.

This will take some time, some patience, and many thoughtful moments before you open your mouth. Your arms, on the other hand, should be open at all times. This is when you LOVE YOUR WIFE UNCONDITIONALLY. Don't tell her you love her at this time. Show her you love her by your actions.

Romance her a bit with a flower now and then, or leave a note on the mirror telling her how beautiful she is, or how much she means to you. Send her a meal at her work, or when she's home alone and you have to be out. Be creative and woo her like you just met her a week ago, and you are trying to catch her attention, and her emotions.

Slow, tedious, dedicated project. Takes a great deal of resolve and effort, but it works. My FWW and I are 18 months into recovery, and my FWW was a BEARCAT through 6 months of withdrawal. My will to win her over was greater than her will to stay committed to the OM, when she saw the Plan A changes I made in me were permanent.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks that's great advice.
I have been doing most of the things you mentioned.Still learning you know.The lovebusters have stopped completly for the past week anyway.I just try to breath when I feel anger and don't speak at all. She said in counseling that she noticed me trying to woo her and she felt it was unfair to me.She is still not sure if she wants to be married and feels guilty that I do. How do I respond to that? I toned down my approach a bit, but I don't want her to perceive that as the neglectful behavior of the past.It's such a fine line. Any advice on how to walk it?

Keep her off balance, with humor... tell her you're not sure you want to be married to her either, BUT, you are sure you are hungry... would she like to go to (what you know is one of her FAVORITE places to eat) get a burger, or pizza, or whatever you know she'd like, then just ::<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:: and wait for her response.

Kinda make a game of it, keeping her off balance, while you fill her LB$ at every opportunity. Learn from your mistakes, but be very creative and clever in your thinking.

Makes it more fun than "grabbing a rope" and dragging your marriage to "success".

Best wishes,
SD

I like Shattered's techinque. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm kind of in the same situation and would like some advice on this also. There is a fine line between pushy or smothering and neglectful. I'm trying to find it also!