My husband/best friend of 24 years when he needed time to think, ok things at home were bad all 3 grown kids living at home as well as one of their pregent fiances, ok I was niave gave him 300 dollars, so he wouldn't go hungry said he was moving in with on of his guy freiends. OK, after about a month I find out guy friend is really his girlfriend and co-worker. He lived with her 8 months and then we decide to stay togeter and work it out. So now it is 18 months later, we renewed our vows on our 26 anniv., he even transferred positions so that they really can't have contact anymore, lifes great right? Except on hubbys new work phone her cell number shows up, (yea I checked his phone) anyway he swears that she had called but he didnot answer it, I didn't get up set I just asked him about it, told him that the only way things were going to work between us is if he has no contact at all with her. He said don't you think that I know that and I'm not talking to her or seeing her. I want to belive him, mostly we are getting along great our relationship is better then ever, we are doing more together, I still love him, I do not want a divorce but I do not want to live a lie either. What to do?

Did he ever write her a NO CONTACT letter? Does his workplace know of the sitch?

Are your kids all moved out yet? Make your home a place for you and your H now that the kids are grown. My parents had to sell their house out from under two grown kids so they could get on with their lives. And it worked.

No his work does not know, and he would probally lose his job. We only have our daughter (23) living with us now, plus my youngest sons 2 year old, but my h addores his grandson. No he didnot write her a end it letter, I asked if he needed to contact her and tell to stop contacting him and he no that she would get the hint. What hurts me the most is the ow is a cop/fireman groupie, H as told me him self that she has been with several firemen and that he was the 3rd married man she's been with. H is a great guy always been a fantastic husband until this. and he would never talerate this behaver from anyone else. I know I was responsible cause I wasn't there for him emotionally or sexually but I am now I just don't know what to do ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

faithful, hmmm, my H is a FF too. Yes, groupies are prominent in the field (also in the PD where I used to work). Anything for a man in uniform.

Does she work for the dept? Someone needs to handle her through her job.

holiday

Hi Holiday,

I'm glad you replyed, ow is a FF dispatcher, (H is PD) but since he's tranferred she doesn't handle any communications for his new position. But his area is still county wide and H could possibly go see her durning his working hours. His new position is no longer rotating shifts or weekends, so it is more difficult if they are seeing each other (his old position was working the road for the area she works and lives in). Her work and home is apox. an hour from where H's office is now(and our home). But he does still have to go to that area for interviews and follow-ups etc. Don't know if I'm just paranoid, seeing her number on his work cell really hurt. I want to believe in him again. I still really love him and I want this marriage to work. Thanks so much

Hi,

I knew you were going to tell me she was a dispatcher.
I was a 911 dispatcher myself. Alot goes on with such a stressful job. As well as being to married to a FF, his oldest brother has been a Dep Sheriff for now, 30 years.

My bestest advice for the time being is major plan A. Should you find out different, then major plan B.

I too must admit I was caught up in the "drama" of the PD and boy is there alot of it. This was 12 years ago and I may have been creating (now with my reading about it) EA's without realilzing it. I became very close, emotionally with 4 officers. They were, in my eyes were like my little brothers, but looking back, they really didn't look at me like a sister.

Dispatchers are PO's and FF's life lines. Once earned they carry alot of respect. I would tell my officers when they confided in me about their wives and family, etc that they needed to go home and talk to them just as they were talking to me. They would tell me they didn't know how to and I would suggest counseling. Even the firemen would do the same. Stress is a major factor in EA for this line of work. Drinking at shift parties is a major factor for PA's or ONS's. Such the drama. But all this was how they coped with what they handled all day. I lasted 2 1/2 years in that dept and transferred to the muni court for another 5 years. The intensity of the calls have no true outlet (debriefing) sometimes and we tend to bond with those involved.

Scares me that my H now has a female FF at his heavy rescue station...that's 24 hours of stress and a female on the calls.

Dispatch has their own supervisor. You might suggest to your H that you will notify her supervisor should she continue. What makes you think your H will lose his job? No one in our PD lost a job because of an A and there were plenty. If he has broken all contact like he says, then she should abide by it and he should have no problem making it stick, nor you calling her supervisor.

Keep me posted. You're in my prayers

holiday

Good morn' Holiday,

wow small world huh? I'm glad you know what's it like being married to ff/pd and I appreciate your prespective from being on the inside. I don't know how I would handle my husband's partner/ backup being female, (Honestly I would hope she didn't like men). Anyway you asked why I thought H might lose his job if his Sheriff found out, just from what has happen to some of the others who have been in this situation. And if he lost his job, wouldn't that just be another thing to blame on me? Keep me in your prays, God hasn't failed me yet, Thank-you I'll pray for you and yours too.....

I know I was responsible cause I wasn't there for him emotionally or sexually but I am now I just don't know what to do ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]


why in gods name are YOU taking responsibility for his actions? you are not responsible for this. you are responsible for neglecting his needs.....but in NO way are you responsible for his decision to fill those needs outside the marriage. please dont take on the guilt for this

I know what you are saying but doing guilt is my strong suit, no serioulsy your right nothing justifies what he did period.

I feel he was bascially having a pity party and the ow brought cake and icecream to it.

Hi faithful26,

Hope all is going better for you.

I agree, this is not your fault. At first, I kept thinking, I should be the one to make all the changes...that I must have done something to cause all this...possibly karma from my past, who knows.

But, bottomline, I never "crossed the line" and he did. I forgive him for being so weak. I am still working everyday on how to be "forgetful".

Hi Holiday,

Yea the Forgetting part is the hardedst, sometimes out of no where the hurt feelings just come over me, or a memory will pop in and that fear takes over, I just keep praying for the strenght and wisdom I need to get through this mess. thanks for listening

Good Morning faithful...
How have you been doing lately?
Hope things are moving forward in a positive way,
holiday

hey holiday,

adtually things are going great H is finally showing real remorse over everything that happen, even broke down and cryed saying he was so sorry for all the pain he has caused me.

I just take it day by day, God's grace is suffient for each day...

Good to hear!
I will keep you in my prayers that it will become better and better,
holiday

Thank you for your support, H is really doing alot of reflecting about things, sometimes I don't know what to say to him I just let him talk. I'm starting to feel like my old friend has come back!!!!

Have a good Holiday, I'll be praying for all of us... Thanks again Holiday..

faithful,
Going through my bookmarks and thought I should check on you.
So how is everything?
holiday

hey Holiday I am doing good, and you?

H told me last weekend (while we were driving to visit my family for the long weekend)

That he found out why the ow contacted him, he says that one of his friends(also pd) came by his new office with a box of stuff that H had left at ow house, apparently she went through and and got rid of all his things, movies, cd's etc small junk. I guess its a good thing but it did put me in a slump for a while it stirred up all those wonderful inserure feelings again. H said he wanted to tell me about the box, didn't want to hide it from me. Anyway other then that everything is peachy Hope all is well w/ you. Thank-you for thinking of me ps what is your opinion on the "box"?