Right now WH thinks there is no way that he can have the feelings for me that he has for OW. I tell him that he can fall back in love with me. I gave him the option on Monday to have a D, but he chose to stay, even though he doesn't know what is keeping him. I'm sure it is still the withdrawal talking, and it has only been 3 weeks. My questions to all of you recovering is Did your FWS feel that it was hopeless and really have no desire to work on the marriage even though they didn't leave? Is that pretty typical?

TIA

Yes, very typical...

My FWH was a BEAR to be around...I thought he was going through some serious withdrawal. I asked him if he thought about her, he said...when I brought her up. He was so NASTY to be around, finally after 4 months I asked him to leave...he was out the door the next day (like he had planned it).

I found out after recovery that he had kept up contact with OW during this time.

What proof do you have that there is NC, and how is your Plan A going?

IF he bumps into her at work then it's not helping his withdrawl at all. EVERY time he sees her it's like starting withdrawl over from day one.

Not knowing whether or not he can get his feelings back for you is normal.....especially if he's constantly bumping into the OW.

Until the OW is completely out of the picture he will probably feel that way.

Right now I only know what he tells me. I check email accts and phone logs and I haven't seen any communications. He tells me the contact is very minimal if he bumps into her there is barely eye contact and a mumbled Hi and if he sees she is in the kitchen (or wherever at work) he doesn't go in). He isn't very motivated to look for another job at this time because of the way he feels. He says he is still browsing the ads though.

I think Plan A is going well. I have been doing more for me, and not being angry at him. Telling him that I am here for him if he needs to talk, and believe me, he has been sharing everything, not all I want to hear, but at least he is being honest about his feelings. We are trying to do things as a family because he isn't comfortable being alone with me. I am also trying to meet his needs.

I think that is all I can do right now.

How do you know what his top 3 needs are? And if you are 'trying' to meet his needs, it means you probably aren't. What did the OW give him that he was missing? And how can he get that from you?

Sounds like he is being honest.

Have you been able to cut out the LB's?

This may be normal withdrawal...how closely did the OW and he work together? Do you guys have a trip scheduled soon? Even a weekend away?

I agree, even casual contact puts you at square one in recovery...it keeps the fantasy alive. He can hold out and try not to be happy in this M and when he has waited a certain amount of time can turn to you and say, "See, I tried, it isn't working, I'm going to chase my fantasy now..."

What else needs to happen to COMPLETELY cut off contact with OW?

I am a FWS and am going through "what I think" the anger stage of WD's. Monday night, my H asked me for a verbal list of things I liked that the OM did for me so that he could fulfill those EN's. I became very confused, whay is he asking me when what I could say might hurt him? Why is he asking me to think of him in a positive way? Dosen't he know I'm trying to NOT think of him? I was very upset... we got into a bit of a tiff and I "appeared" that I did not want to participate in helping us. Which was NOT the case I felt conflicted... it seems everytime something "new" (even if it's a small thing.. like "he bought me drinks") is introduced to my H it seems to cause a type of anexity or depression spell. And I did not want to cause that hurt again. When we got home, he asked me why was I upset... I told him "because I am trying to not think about him!!" HE had printed off some posts from Whisper with suggestions on coping with WD's and one of her things was creating a Good/Bad list...

So I wrote a list of the things I love about my H and the Bad things about the OM. At first the bad things about the OM was small and felt a little bad for writing them... then as I added to them the next day and as I wrote, I could feel my anger increasing... I felt good, I felt my guilt was justified and damm!t he's gonna feel this too. (like he could feel what I'm writing .. lol) None the less, this felt very theraputic. I was told, each day to take it out and read it to remind me as I go through WD's, and also to keep adding to it as I go along.

I thought I was doing pretty good... didn't think I was feeling the WD's too bad... I've been a little numb ABOUT the OM... telling myself, I don't miss him. I guess trying to convince myself... but I no longer feel the urge to call him.. that is good. I see each day as a conquest. Each day my love for my H grows stronger and stronger. So I don't nesassarily see it as a loss but as a gain. Gain of my marriage, my H, my self-respect.

I hope this helps any other WS's out there going through WD's ...

Undo

Excellent job undo. Remember the OM was a fantasy man. there weren't that many bad things on the list because you both were able to hide the bad things about your personality and only show the good side.

Think of what your H is asking you is..."What is your ideal of the perfect man like?" You were attracted to the OM, but if your H were to fulfill those needs, then you wouldn't be as tempted next time...

StillHere ~

We sat down with the His Needs, Her Needs book and numbered all of our needs. His top 3 were Honesty and Openness, Physical Appearance, and Recreational Companionship. I am being as honest as possible with him, and admitted to things that I wasn't honest about in our M (just things that contributed to our problems), I have joined his gym and am working out a lot more, I am trying to come up with activites for us to do (play tennis, take kids to water park), I have improved the way I dress and look.

The OW listened to him, she was heavily into working out and has a nice body (so he told me) they ran 10K's together, and I have offered to train with him for one. (I would need the training for it LOL) He can't tell me how I can give him anything else that she gave him. He really can't identify anything specific.


I believe I have. The worst I do is get overly emotional. I don't know if a LB was giving him the option on Monday to stay and work on things or to get a D, but he chose to stay for some reason he can't even explain or indentify.


They don't work together, but may just cross paths at work. (He is controller, she is art director, so totally unrelated) They did go to lunch everyday, talk a few times during the day. We went away for the night on July 30, and it was a bomb. He wasn't happy and dreaded the night the whole weekend. Anything I suggested to do that would be fun, he shot down. It was like pulling teeth. He may have had more fun at the dentist. LOL


That is my biggest fear.

I only see changing jobs, but that has to be his decision. I have suggested quitting work altogether and being a SAHD for a short time, but he will have no part of that.

Undo ~ I think I will suggest WH to make a list like that. Maybe that will help.

Ohhh my goodness the WH was typo.....


He is not a WH!!!!


Sorry.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Undo

I know this may sound counter-intuitive, but I believe it was the best thing that could have happened to busting the A than to push him into her arms by moving to Plan B. I never feared him leaving I guess, I knew I was a great woman...albeit some bad LB habits...and the OW would pale in comparison.

In my experience, I have had some long-term BF's and what I discovered is that after a while, R lose their shine, their newness...the day to day grime, dirt, and drudgery...that R's all have their problems (for me).

I knew that FWH was holding a place in his heart for this fantasy woman that OW fulfilled at the moment. I could NEVER compete with this, because she was non-existent. Once he moved out he found out she was not what he expected...hmmmm, now what? He could not move back in without some MAJOR changes happening, and MAJOR reassurances. I held the keys to my heart once he moved out and gave me back those keys...

It sounds like you are doing everything right 2dogm. I just hate that word 'trying'. In the words of Yoda, "Try not...Do."

Have you exposed to pertinent people? Family? Work? Nothing bursts the fantasy bubble like a little reality and consequences...

He has told his parents, his 2 best friends, I told his sister, and my sister. His whole family is supportive of him and wants him to be happy and have pretty much written off our marriage and tell him he should talk to OW and bring her around. Only my sister is supportive because she knows how hard I am working to keep our M. I wouldn't know who to expose it to at work, and frankly, I don't think they would care. His boss (pres of company) had a A with his old boss, ended up getting a D and marrying the OM.

To your original question ... "Did your FWS feel that it was hopeless and really have no desire to work on the marriage even though they didn't leave? Is that pretty typical?"

>Yes. We were heading straight for a D b/c I couldn't see any hope that I could possibly love my H again. It was a catch-22. Meaning, since I couldn't see hope, I felt like working on our M was a waste of time. And, because I didn't work on our M, there was little hope.

While a WS is in his/her fog, this sense of hopelessness is quite typical and expected. The good news is there are several of us here who are living proof that 1) there is hope 2) if you choose to work on it, love (and I mean that fun, giddy, make your spine tingle kind of passionate love) CAN come back!

Thank you Whisper. Can I ask, what exactly brought you around and how long did it take? I know WH wakes up each morning dreading the day and I just end up leaving for work saying "I hope you have a good day". Don't know what else to say.

2dogmom, since your H is still in withdrawal, you will find this thread very helpful.

Edited to add:
2dogmom, sorry, I've just realized that I've already posted that link to you before.

Blessings,
Suzet

Thanks Suzet. I think you bumped that up for me last week. I have read it, and so has he, but it certainly didn't help him at all.

"what exactly brought you around and how long did it take?"

Note - I was in a 1.5 yr PA, so (unfortunately) it took me quite a long time to wake up. With that said, what turned me around are 3 things: 1) The fantasy of the A turned reality. Meaning, when the OM started to push for us to move in together as the next logical step to getting married, I started to see things are they really are ... his flaws, our disconnects, the challenges of every day life that would exist - down to the little, annoying personal habits that drove me bananas! 2) During the 1.5 yrs that we were separated, my H steadily improved himself. He dieted, exercised & lost a lot of weight & got tanning sessions ... not to mention he bought himself a brand new wardrobe and started to look great! He started to become self-sufficient - paid bills, cleaned the house, did laundry, organized files, etc. He curbed his addictions. He cut back on spending. He started going out and becoming active. He also became affectionate and caring and would call and/or email me frequently. None of which existed for 12 years of our marriage. 3) When we finally decided on a D, he put me on his version of Plan B. He cut me off. He took down my pictures. He put our house on the market. He placed a deposit on a new, swanky condo. He made travel plans and asked me to watch our dog. He separated our finances (completely). And, he pushed heavily for the D. That was the reality [email]kick-in-the-@ss[/email] I needed to turnaround.

Thanks for sharing Whisper. I am happy to see things are really turning around for you!